“‘True, I, at times, heard your words of remonstrance and entreaty, but they did not touch my heart; my passion made me deaf or indifferent to your appeals to my manhood to spare you from a maternity which you could not joyfully welcome. I was lost in my own hell, and tormented. I was blind; but now and then, glimpses came to me, from your own keen anguish, of the real truth. But the blur of selfish, craving passion, would come over my sight, and I would go on my old way, cheating myself always, and sometimes you, into the feeling that it was all right; that man had a right to that indulgence, whatever might be the conditions of the wife, and whatever her feelings in regard to Maternity. At least, I persuaded myself and you that I could not help it, and that my health would suffer unless I frequently held that relation with you.
“‘Now that blind dominion of passion is at an end. Your appeal to my manhood has reached its deepest depths. The gratification of animal passion shall no more guide me in my relations to you. That it ever has is my shame, as well as your degradation. I wish you could see my soul as it now is; you would see a revolution in it. The deep wail of your spirit has reached my heart, and I am ready to go up with you out of the perdition into which my uncontrolled sensualism has cast us.
“‘You have descended into hell, for my gratification. You have consented to terrible anguish of body and soul, for no higher object than my momentary pleasure. You have sacrificed your body and soul, your self-respect, your unborn children, on the altar of my ungovernable passion. From this hour, I will seek to repair the wrong I have done you. I have forced on you, in contempt of your entreaties, a maternity which could not be otherwise than most hateful to you. I have compelled you to pass through sufferings of body and anguish of mind which you were not ready to meet, and which were all the more severe, because they were imposed by one whom you loved, and who should have known better. I have imparted to you the elements of a new life, when your very soul spurned and loathed them. I have filled your heart with deadly hatred towards the young life, my own child, that was being developed beneath it. I have compelled you to a deed of all others the most loathsome and hateful to a pure, refined and noble woman,—to the murder (it should have no other name) of your children, to the murder of my children, ere they were born, to save them from the more fearful and horrible doom of an unwelcome and hated existence.
“‘Talk not to me of your guilt, of your unworthiness to stand by my side, and to tread with me the path of life as a true, noble and loving wife. If you are guilty, what am I? If you feel degraded by the loss of self-respect, what ought I to feel? The fault is all my own. I should have known better, and had a higher appreciation of the passional relation. Had I consulted your wishes as to maternity, had I counselled with you as to when you could, with safety and exultation, take charge of the germ of my child, and naturally develop it into life, had I never imposed on you a repulsive and abhorred maternity, would the stain of abortion now darken your soul? Yes, I see it all: the deep damnation of the deed is my own, and would to God that the penalty might descend on me; that I could save you, my long-suffering, too lenient and forgiving wife, the pain and anguish!
“‘God help me! I am very sick at heart. The bitterness of death enters my soul, as I reflect on the unseen and unexpressed pain of body and desperation and anguish of soul to which my ungoverned passion has brought you. Can you forgive me? Can you again restore me to your loving confidence? Can you ever again respect my manhood, which has brought upon you all this woe? I will, henceforth, comply with the teachings of the book you sent me, and hold my entire nature in abeyance to your wishes and happiness, and in all my passional relations with you, my object shall be your health and happiness, rather than my own gratification. I will be to you an Ernest, God helping me.
“‘Dearest! believe me and trust me now, for I mean what I say, and it shall be done. I have written it here, and this shall be my pledge; and if ever I urge on you a relation that will subject you to the liability of maternity, when you do not call for it, lay this pledge before me and it shall be respected.
“‘We shall yet rejoice together on earth as we never did before. This world may not bring to you entire restoration to health of body, nor peace of mind, nor yet self-abandoned trust in your husband; but the effort to effect this, on my part, shall not be wanting. Believe me, and trust to the love, the faith and energy which your letter, and that experience of Ernest and Nina, have awakened in me. We will together seek the aid of the angel helpers, who never condemn save to restore and bless, and who are even now lifting up and vitalizing the desponding and heart-stricken.
“‘Dear wife! look up, and trust—trust—TRUST! and with strong nerve, and in conscious pride and innocence, you shall yet stand by my side, and tread with me the pathway of the future, a proud, loving, trusting, joyous wife. Your soul shall yet shine with deeper lustre on my manhood, to elevate and save your conscience-stricken, but not despairing husband. You shall yet be, in deed and in truth, my Saviour, and I will be yours.
“‘These are not idle words, but come from the heart of your loving, penitent, yet hopeful and confident
“‘Husband.’