"Surely, surely!" I hastened to assure him, because I felt slightly more master of myself. "But you see my point—she doesn't belong to me. And even if she did—I can't just pass her about—it's a responsibility—her wish—what I mean is, I can't coerce her in any way."
And suddenly I saw the children away from me, with this dubious, mysterious man, alone, and my heart was wrung with agony. With Alicia, at least—but, no! I could not acquiesce so completely.
"Coerce—certainly not," was his wholly reasonable comment. "I reckon a word from you would go a long way, though. But I see your point, Randolph, I see your point. Tell you what!" he began in a new tone. "Suppose we put it this way. I'll speak to her myself—I'll put it up to her—leave you out of it altogether, see?—leave it to her to decide—so you won't have to—you'll be neutral, you see?—What's the matter with doing it that way?"
A thousand devils within me moved me with all but irresistible force to jump at his throat, to stifle his words, to choke the beastly life out of him, to end the torment then and there. But I could not—I could not. I knew he was expressing by his words his sense of certainty that he could win over Alicia, as he had won the children—that I was helpless in his hands—that I was a weakling whom he was making the barest pretense of respecting—that he could strip my household of all I held dear with an ease so laughable that he could not even bother to ridicule me. And yet I could not rise up and strangle him.
As one in a vise, I sat for a moment chained by wild conflicting passions, and then—a strange thing happened. A feeling of nakedness, a sense of being stripped of everything like another Job, of being utterly alone in the world fell about me like an atmosphere. I felt deprived of everything, though not bereft. It was an odd feeling, a sort of involuntary renunciation of all that was my life in which yet I calmly acquiesced. I faced and addressed Pendleton almost with tranquillity. Certainly I experienced a strange new dignity that was very soothing, very grateful, as water to the thirsty after battle.
"Very well, Jim," I heard myself saying quietly. "Go ahead your own way. That perhaps is best."
All that I remember is a gleam of triumph in his eye. No word of all his chunnering and maundering afterwards do I recall. He talked on, smoking, for perhaps four or five minutes and then he left me.
By myself I felt at once strangely heavy as a mountain and insubstantial as the shadow thereof.
CHAPTER XVII
Again and again I have been told that I am a fool. But not even my dearest friends have called me mad.