“It is the law,” said the M.P.
“I think so,” put in the Parson.
“Then, Septimus,” the Colonel concluded, “will you kindly tell your friend Lazarus that he may send a chartered accountant round to Dives’ headquarters to examine his financial position, with a view to a proper apportionment of his estate on the basis of nineteen parts to Dives and one part to Lazarus? And you had better tell the new record-holder at the same time that we don’t like this sort of thing, and we expect him to keep to his statement that he will not play the game again. He will have the fever on him after that 68, and with a few thousands a year at his disposal he will be after getting into all the clubs. I know these renunciations of golf. I have renounced myself—hundreds of times!”
At this moment the door opened and the steward entered to say that luncheon was ready. “Splendid!” exclaimed the Colonel. “Gentlemen, the court is closed!”
V
Golf remained impossible in the afternoon, and the M.P. filled up his time by working out some golf statistics with a view to indicating to the ignorant public what was comprised in a year of golf.
“You see,” he said, “sooner or later some of the very high authorities will find it to be necessary to take very serious notice of this game, of the number of people whose time it claims, of the land it engages, of the capital sunk in it, and of the enormous current expenditure upon it. Golf has really become a considerable factor in the social scheme of this country, and this must be recognised by legislators. I see that the Union authorities at Wirral have been giving some attention to the matter, with the result that they have jumped on the Royal Liverpool Club with an enormously increased assessment. The process of milking the golfer will begin soon.”
“Well,” said the Colonel indulgently, “if our little game is to become a matter of national importance, you will be having questions asked about it in the House before long; eh, William?”
“It is odd that you should make that suggestion,” the Parliamentarian responded, as he began to rummage in the inside pocket of his coat, “because I have a rather curious document here which amplifies it somewhat. Let me see—I am sure I had it in my letter-case—well, well!—Ah yes, here it is! I was going to say that one of the keenest golf youngsters we have got in this Parliament is young Norris, whose constant object in life seems to be to pair off with one of the Opposition down to Sunningdale. I believe he would rather win the Parliamentary Handicap next year than get a small Government job. Well, in the House he is always filling up his spare time with the development of some golfing idea or other. The other night there was quite an angry discussion between him and another of his kidney upon the question as to whether, if a ball were teed alongside the Beaconsfield statue, a Massey or a Braid could loft it over the Houses of Parliament and into the river, and eventually the pair of them went out to see what sort of a shot it really would be. The next night, when somebody whispered to him that there would be a lot more sense in discussing a Bill for the Regulation of the Rubber Core than the measure that just then was occupying the attention of the House, he got out some paper and concocted what he called a ‘Forecast of a Report of the Parliamentary Proceedings in 1950,’ and that is what I have got here. Just listen to this for question time:
“‘HOUSE OF COMMONS—Thursday