“Then again,” resumed the man, “there are my eyes, sir, which I will challenge the whole world to equal. I will put my eyes against theirs for any sum they please, let them be black, blue, grey, or hazel, sir. Perhaps you may have noticed my eyes in the shop window, sir. I have one—a black one, sir—that obtained me the prize from the Society of Arts last year, sir. I don’t think, sir, you could go into any fashionable church or chapel without their being either one or two of my eyes in the place. I serve all the first people, I can assure you, sir. Then I have a charitable society in connexion with my establishment, for the gratuitous distribution of eyes to the poor, and a very great relief it is to them, sir. To servants they are a real blessing—for mistresses object to one-eyed nurses, or lady’s-maids, or cooks, you know, sir—so I let those kind of people have my eyes at what they cost me, and they are very thankful for them, indeed, sir. I should think I have got at least a hundred eyes in place at the present time, sir.”
“Bless me! bless me!” cried the Major; “I had no idea that art was carried to such perfection;—but we live in wonderful times.”
“You may say that, sir,” replied the man of eye art. “We can remedy any defect—no matter what, sir. Humpbacks we can pad out into perfect symmetry; spindle legs we can plump into the finest calves. If you will take my word for it, there are several tragedians and footmen in high life who are strutting about at this present time in my calves; and as for waiters and dancing-masters, we do a prodigious business with them in the course of the year. You would not believe it, perhaps, sir, but I have known a leg that was modelled into mahogany bootjacks that was merely made up of my calves, after all. But you will excuse me, sir; this but little concerns you. Touching your own leg, sir, I think you said you should like cork; but if you will allow me to recommend, I should advise you to have a gutta percha one. We are now making up some beautiful limbs in that material. I had one leg at home that I did intend to have brought round with me under my arm, just for your inspection, sir. I am sure you would have liked it, the article is so light and elastic: indeed, it is one of my best legs, and not at all dear, sir. Now, let me make you up one of those; for I can assure you, sir, if you will only leave your leg in my hands, I will turn you out such a nice, light, elegant one”—and here he smiled and bowed—“that will make you regret you have not lost the other. Our art, you see, sir, is no base imitation of Nature, but I may say an improvement upon her—as, indeed, all high art should be, sir. All our limbs are warranted to be true Grecian proportions. If you will oblige me by taking a seat, I will just take the dimensions of your limb, sir.”
Then, as the Major sank into the nearest chair, the leg-maker proceeded to take his measure, and as he pushed up the trousers, said, after having passed the tape round the ankle, “How shall we do about the calf, sir? Shall we reduce the proportions of the artificial, or plump out those of the natural limb? For my own part, I should recommend a little of both; and if you will allow me, sir, to send you round just one or two of my calves to look at, I think you would be exceedingly pleased with them. I could let you have one calf at a very low figure just now, for I remember I have an odd calf by me, as I supplied an Admiral of the Blue with one just your size, for her Majesty’s last Levee—or else, you see, sir, it would become expensive to break the pair. The one I should send you is made on the best plan; it forms part of the web of the stocking, and so there is no fear of its turning round to the shin while dancing or taking any other active exercise, sir, as I dare say you remember used frequently to happen with the dreadful things they wore a few years back, and which you may perhaps recollect, sir, looked more like the cricketer’s paddings than improvers of the ‘form divine.’”
Major Oldschool thought of the ladies, and assented to the tradesman’s proposal.
The limb-furnisher rose from his kneeling position, and having rolled up his measure, and brushed his hat with his sleeve, previous to his taking his departure, drew a card from his pocket, and presenting it to the Major, said—“Should you be in want of any teeth at any time, sir, you will find that gentleman very skilful and moderate in his charges. He has some remarkably fine china sets just now; you may have noticed one in our window, sir, in a beautiful working wax head, with the eyes moving, the mouth opening, and the teeth going in and out every other minute, by clock-work. I have not the least doubt you remember seeing the model, sir; it has a fine jet-black beard; at one moment the figure is as toothless as a sloth, sir—and the next minute his mouth is filled with an entire set, as beautiful and white as a sweep’s. But perhaps, sir,” he added, finding the Major made no reply, “you are not in want of anything in that way. You will see, sir, the gentleman states at the bottom of the card that his teeth are so much admired, that he has no doubt that his china sets will shortly supersede all others.” Here the man made a profound bow, and, saying the Major should have his leg home in a day or two, quitted the room.
The limb-maker had no sooner closed the door than he returned, and presenting a small pamphlet, said—“I beg your pardon, sir; but would you allow me to present you with this little list of testimonials; you, or some of your friends from the country may, perhaps, be troubled with corns or bunions, and I can assure you that Professor Rootzemout, Chiropodist to her Royal Highness the Duchess of Gloucester, and the rest of the royal family, extracts them with no more pain than corks, sir. You will see that the Professor has had the feet of the ‘first of the land’ under his hands, sir. The Bishop of Calcutta certifies that the Professor has removed a bunion from his great toe, that he had been suffering a martyrdom from for months; and even the Prime Minister of the country publicly expresses his gratitude to the Professor for the eradication of a soft corn that had allowed him no rest for years. The Professor’s specimens in his museum are really quite marvellous, sir. One he has from a late Lord Mayor of London, I give you my word, sir, is as big as a spring onion; but I fear I am intruding on your valuable time;” and so saying, the enterprising tradesman wiped his shoes several times on the carpet as he bowed obsequiously and withdrew.
True to the appointed time, the anxiously-expected leg was sent home carefully enveloped in silver paper, and shortly afterwards the maker arrived to fit it on, and see whether his limb was sufficiently well-set to be allowed to run alone. When he had fixed it the man was in raptures with his own handiwork; and while the Major paced the room, the limb-maker declared, as he bobbed about to look at him from every point of view, that the Major’s leg was the very best he had yet made in the same material.
Major Oldschool was almost as pleased as the man, and exclaimed, on looking at himself in the pier-glass, that he positively shouldn’t have known his own figure again; adding, as he thrust the leg forward, and leant his head on one side to look at the calf of it, that no one could tell it was not his own: and, as he paid the maker, he expressed himself much indebted to his skill for his improved appearance.