“You have raked us over the coals pretty badly.”
“Is that so? I often do things badly. I’ll try and do it better hereafter. But have I been acting out of the ordinary? Has my articulation been distinct? I sometimes talk without listening to myself, and——”
“And so do not always know what you are saying,” she said with a little laugh. “Well, if I must speak out I should say that you are talking somewhat unintelligibly now. I hadn’t paid enough attention before to notice it.”
“Well, I feel very much obliged to you for not noticing it. There is no harm in talking unintelligibly when you are not noticed. I wish I knew whether I have been enjoying myself or not. Having a good time is much more unsatisfactory when you don’t know it. At home I have a good time working hard, but I know it; on this voyage I have worked much harder at having a good time, and didn’t know I had it. At home I shall work off this tired feeling. In fact, I should have explained before——”
“Never explain anything to a woman, Doctor. Explanations and arguments never convince us. We are apt to take them as jokes to be laughed at.”
“Well, women are right. They laugh much more effectually than they reason. To laugh at us is one of woman’s rights. And we laugh with them to show that we approve of woman’s rights. But I merely wanted to get an honest professional opinion, and didn’t know how. They are so hard to find. I have been calculating how much alcoholic liquor I have consumed since landing at Colón a little over two weeks ago. I have drunk half a pint of whiskey, two quart bottles of beer, three quart bottles of wine and a quart of soft drinks. Think of the mixture! I have kept on drinking regularly and have not, to my knowledge, been intoxicated. I have felt well during the whole time until now, but now I’m beginning to feel bad. What I want to know is whether I have been irresponsible during the whole time and am just beginning to clear up, or whether I have been sober the whole of the time and am just beginning to feel the effects of all I have taken.”
She again laughed three or four notes as she answered:
“Well, there has certainly been something unusual about you, but whether it was due to the disturbance of the liquid in the sea or in the bottles I will not attempt to decide. In the first place, I never saw you so critical in Chicago as you have been on board. In the second place, you have been offering and recommending wine to ladies, which you never do in Chicago. In the third place, you have criticised my eating, which no other gentleman has done.”
“Thank you,” I said. “I’ll do it as a doctor hereafter, not as a gentleman. As a return favor I will ask of you not to speak of my condition to any one in Chicago. I suppose the delegates all know of it. But I’ll shut their mouths; I’ll treat them in New Orleans, etc.”
“But, Doctor, they would refuse to take treatment. They will not be sick on dry land. Sherry will be superfluous there.”