December 15, 1900.
When one is in love and loved a-plenty, weeks and months roll by without notice by the happy ones.
For my part I never thought there was so much happiness in the world as I am experiencing since the beginning of September. But I have my troubles, too. First, the Tisch. When a lady is well pleased by her lover, then her eyes are bright, her cheeks glow, her lips smile; she bears with her entourage; she is kind to her servants. The moment I treated the Tisch as a human being, she began to suspect, and I am sure she is eating her heart out fretting because God gave me both nuts and teeth to crack them.
But I am qualifying as an expert deceiver, and my Grand Mistress won't catch me in a hurry.
My other great trouble is: long separations from Henry, hours upon hours in daytime, half the nights.
What is he doing when he is not with me? Of course he pretends to tell, but I am not goose enough to suppose that he would incriminate himself for the love of truth. He is hiding things from me, perhaps cheating me. I have to arm myself with all the faith loving woman commands to forestall occasional noisy out-breaks of jealousy.
Was there ever a good-looking man, women didn't try to capture and seduce? Manly beauty is the red rag that enthralls and excites women and renders them dishonest, though their honor doesn't lodge at the point they designate as its habitat.
Sometimes, when in these jealous frenzies, I wish Henry had a face like a Chinese kite, or like Riom, husband and lover of my ancestress, the Duchess du Berri.
She was "satisfied" with him, but since her lady-in-waiting, too, was, I might, after all, fare no better than Berri, if Henry was a toad, "his skin spotted like a serpent's, oily like a negro's, changeable like a chameleon, with a turned up nose and disproportionate mouth." Yet I hardly believe that, like my cousin, I would say anent a rival: "Whoever would not be satisfied with him, would be hard to please."
Alas, with women in love the extreme of ugliness counts as triumphantly as the charms of Adonis. Ever since I read certain passages of Faust, part II, Eduard von Hartmann's "Philosophy of the Unconscious," and Lermontoff's "Hero of our Times," I am convinced that to love a man very good-looking, or, on the contrary, a perfect horror, is no sinecure.