"I tried to strike up a little friendly conversation with the Chinks, for variety, but it weren't no use. A Chinaman'll be a Mormon, or a Democrat, or a cannibal, or any other durn thing for five cents, sixty days from date. He ain't got any more natural convictions than a Missouri River catfish. They'd just keep a-watchin' my face so's they could agree with me. Now, I didn't want that. I wanted to get up an argument with somebody I could sass back, because in my own house, where I was lord and master, if I happened to remark it was a nice, bright day everybody swore you couldn't see your hand before your face, and I let the subject drop right there. Mrs. Scraggs quar'led some among herself, but when I come in her motto was, 'United we stand him on his head, and divided we fall upon his neck.' When she done the last, of a still day, you could hear the crack of my cervycal vertybree three mile.
"So, at last, I wearied. I writ a letter to the Elders tellin' 'em I enjoyed the work, but thought it was time for my spirit of self-sacrifice to exercise himself a little. So would they mind givin' me another job? Somethin' like lyin' on a board and havin' a doctor rip-saw chunks out of me for the benefit of Science, and let him lose the pieces, for all I cared.
"The Mormon Church, she come to my relief by sendin' me out on a proselytin' expedition to York State. But I wasn't built proper to lead errin' sheep into the fold. Most of the sheep they hollered 'Baa!' when they see me, and gathered distance with both feet. If I did get a chance to talk to a man he always asked me awkward questions. Like one old farmer, whilest I was explainin' the advantages of havin' as many helpmates and cheerful companions and domestic joys as possible, busts into me by takin' holt of my coat and askin' so confidential I couldn't lie to him, 'How do you find it yourself?'
"'The Lord be good to fools!' says I. 'You got one now, ain't you?'
"''M ya-a-as,' says he, without anything you could figger as wild enthusiasm in his voice; 'I hev.'
"'Well,' says I, 'multiply one by eighteen, and let's have a drink.'
"'I had to send word to the Elders that Books of Mormon weren't looked upon as popular readin' in the outlyin' districts, so should I come home, or try New York City? They sends me word back, wishin' my work to prosper, to try New York City, but not to draw on 'em for any more funds until I had a saved sinner or two to show for it. Well, sir, this last clause jolted me. I had spent money free among them farmers, to boom trade, and for the purchasin' of fancy clothes, more to look at than be comfortable in, the idee bein' to show how good a thing the Church of Mormon was to the first glance of the eye. And now, after side-trackin' my railroad fare home, I weren't wadin' in wealth, by no means. More'n that, I understood that the city of New York was a much more expensive place than St. Looey. So I writ a letter back, tellin' 'em I was scatterin' seed so's you could hardly see across the street. There weren't no hope for a crop unless I had more plain sowin' material—please remit.
"And then they come back at me, sayin' I'd already cost the community about four hundred and fifty dollars, and not even a Dutchman by way of results. That I'd understand this weren't said in no mercenary spirit, but just as a matter of business. They would hold a prayer-meetin', they said, which, no doubt, would bring the end aimed at, and for me to go forth strong in the faith and gather 'em up from the wayside.
"I let fly oncet more, sayin' that I was strong in the faith but feeble in the pocket; that sinners were costly luxuries in a big town like New York. How was I goin' to play the Prophet and stand the man off for my board?
"Elder Stimmins wrote back pussonally, exhortin' me to be of good heart, sayin' further that the days of miracles weren't past; at any moment the unrepentant might get it in the conscience—and signed himself my friend and brother in the church, with a P. S. readin':