Her first feeling was one of surprise--certainly not pleasant surprise; then followed an unutterably plaintive cry, unheard by any human ear, and which hurt all the more because it was dumb.
"Too late ... played out ... past caring. No more happiness on earth ... too late ... too late!"
She leaned back in the sofa-corner and examined the ceiling minutely and carefully.
He waited for his answer.
If she lowered her eyes they must meet his, full of a fire which burned into her soul. No salvation from these eyes, no escape from what had to come!
And he waited.
Then she heard her own voice speaking quite calmly and distinctly, as if instead of herself Frau Jula was speaking--life's little mountebank with the brow of brass.
"I thought, dear Konni, we had agreed that neither of us should talk of marrying."
"How can you remind me of that?" he cried vehemently. "When I said so, could I foresee how things would turn out? Had I the least inkling then of what you are? Did I know you were so divine an angel, who can exalt a poor devil like me one moment into a seventh heaven of bliss, and the next plunge him into hell's torments?... Yes, I mean it! Torments, for to-day all must come out--the unvarnished truth. There's a gap in my life. All is in chaos: my work, my thought, my faith in you. You would be my good genius, but often you are something almost the reverse. Don't distress yourself. I am not reproaching you ... but only myself, for being so weak.... I want to work; I ought to work.... I have just undertaken a whole pile of new duties. I thought that if my duty was imposed on me from outside, I should be bound to stick to it. But the very opposite has happened. I am running to seed through perpetual inner wrestling and questioning.... If I don't bring our lives into a peaceful and equable channel, we must both be lost. I can't do it unless you belong to me properly and altogether, unless your room is next to mine and you are always within sight of my desk--always near, always beside me."
"I can arrange to come to you in the autumn," she interrupted timorously.