1. I'll tell you a story as strange as 'tis new,
Which all, who're concerned, will allow to be true,
Of a Balancing Captain, well-known herabouts,
Returned home, God save him as a mere King of Clouts.
2. This Captain he takes, in a gold-ballast'd ship,
Each summer to Terra damnosa a trip,
For which he begs, borrows, scrapes all he can get,
And runs his poor Owners most vilely in debt.
3. The last time he set out for this blessed place,
He met them, and told them a most piteous case,
Of a Sister of his, who, though bred up at court,
Was ready to perish for want of support.
4. This Hungry Sister, he then did pretend,
Would be to his Owners a notable friend,
If they would at that critical junction supply her-
They did-but alas! all the fat's in the fire!
5. This our Captain no sooner had finger'd the cole,
But he hies him abroad with his good Madam Vole-
Where, like a true tinker, he managed this metal,
And while he stopp'd one hole, made ten in the kettle.
6. His Sister, whom he to his Owners had,,;worn,
To see duly settled before his return,
He gulls with bad messages sent to and fro,
Whilst he underhand claps up a peace with her foe.
7. on He then turns this Sister adrift, and declares
Her most mortal foes were her Father's right heirs-
"G-d z-ds!" cries the world, "such a step was ne'er taken!"
"O, ho!" says Nol Bluff, "I have saved my own bacon."
8. Let France damn the Germans, and undam the Dutch,
And Spain on Old England pish ever so much,
Let Russia bang Sweden, or Sweden bang that,
I care not, by Robert! one kick of my hat.
9. So I by myself can noun substantive stand,
Impose on my Owners, and save my own land;
You call me masculine, feminine, neuter, or block,
Be what will the gender, sirs, hic, haec, or hoc.
10. Or should my choused Owners begin to look sour,
I'll trust to Mate Bob to exert his old power,
Regit animos dictis, or nummis, with ease,
So, spite of your growling, I'll act as I please."