4. Anguish relieves that terrible craving to tell dialect stories.
People who are addicted to telling dialect stories, or chronically frustrated because they can’t tell them without Scotch brogue or Brooklynese getting mixed up with Deep South, will be overjoyed with Anguish. Anguish is definitely not a dialect, since it consists only of unchanged English words which anyone can pronounce. By imparting a delicate and indefinably exotic accent to one’s speech, however, it not only provides a socially acceptable substitute for telling dialect stories, but adds to one’s personal charm.[4]
5. Anguish improves your English.
As your Anguish vocabulary increases, you’ll find that your English vocabulary does, too, but you must be careful not to mix them up—something which people orphan do when they begin to use words accordion to the way they sound rather than how they’re spelled. Words which are rare in English are often common enough in Anguish, so you have new opportunities to see them. Suppose you’re spending a week-end reciting nursery rhymes in Anguish to a happy group of children or immature adults, and come across SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE, A POCKET FULL OF RYE. In Anguish, this, of course, is SINKER SUCKER SOCKS PANTS, APOCRYPHAL AWRY. This will give you an unexpected chance to use the last two words.
You’d be surprised to know how many people haven’t the faintest idea what a xyster is until they hear a SPAL member talking about his fodder, murder, broader, and xyster. This makes them want to look xyster up. When they do, they find that, although xyster[5] in Anguish, may mean sister, in English it’s nothing in the world but a common raspatorium. Now raspatoria, and, therefore xysters are important surgical instruments, nice to know about before being scheduled for an aberration.
Speaking of xysters, hominy people know what higglery is? Very few, yet it occurs in the Anguish Languish version of something as well known as:
“Murder, mare argo art toe swarm?”
“Yap, mar doling dodder,
Hank yore clues honor higglery larme