FRIENDSHIP
Friendship, taken in its strict sense, that is to say as affection exempt from the attraction of the senses, plays an immense part in the lives of men and women.
Friendship, as between men, is based on moral equality. The tie uniting two minds and two hearts creates the same rights and the same duties for each of the friends, no matter how different their degree of fortune and rank in the world. Where friendship is, there is reciprocity. This is what made La Boétie, Montaigne’s great friend, say: “Friendship is a sacred name, it is a holy thing.... There can be no friendship where there is cruelty, disloyalty, or injustice.... The wicked are not friends, but accomplices.”
I must quote here an admirable passage from Emerson, whose judgment is sound concerning what is high, great and forceful in the dual character of Friendship: “The sufficient reply to the sceptic, who doubts the power of the furniture of man, is in that possibility of joyful intercourse with persons, which makes the faith and practice of all reasonable men. I know of nothing life has to offer so satisfying as the profound good understanding which can subsist, after much exchange of good offices, between two virtuous men, each of whom is sure of himself, sure of his friend. It is a happiness which postpones all other gratifications, and makes politics, and commerce, and churches, cheap. For, when men shall meet as they ought, each a benefactor, a shower of stars, clothed with thoughts, with deeds, with accomplishments, it should be a festival of Nature which all things announce. Of such friendship, love in the sexes is the first symbol, as all other things are symbols of love. These relations to the best men—which, at one time, we reckoned the romances of youth—become, in the progress of character, the most solid enjoyment.”
Friendship between women is somewhat different from that between men, just because it excludes the feeling of equality. It is very rare, in spite of the best education, that a woman will forget her rank and fortune with a friend who becomes her protégée. It is no less rare when a woman in a humble position does not resent any outward inequality. The result is that friendship between women is not a continual delightful exchange of feeling and opinion, but rests more on interest.
One of the most beautiful forms of friendship, as some think, is that between man and woman. Between persons of the highest education and refined tastes, such friendship not only plays a great part in life, but becomes a necessity, for it increases the intellectual power of both parties. It is very like disinterested love, and is governed by secret influences which give it its value. Certain people have the gift of drawing out our confidences; there are others the very sight of whom makes our heart rejoice. Our spiritual force, our eloquence, often come into play simply through the presence of such a beloved friend.
There is a peculiar feeling of confidence between the sexes; friendship between a man and a woman has something in it graver, deeper than any other. Even in family relationships, what I call “home friendship” depends entirely on this kind of mutual dependence. Cases are rare of sons turning against their mother, or of sisters who fail their brothers.
Friendship is said to be blind; I believe, on the contrary, that it is clear-sighted as to the duties entailed upon it, and needs no vow to make it binding.
If, for a man, a friend of his own sex is a second self, for a woman a man-friend is at once a confidant, a counsellor and a protector. He represents authority with reverence, incalculable devotion; he becomes the symbol of that Good which signifies refuge from suffering, forgiveness when one has erred.