I think it was that more than anything else that helped me to get a grip on myself. I felt that here, in this plane, I was in some measure squaring my account with him and Shirer. Hilda was beside me and together we went forward to the crew’s cabin. It was as though I’d stepped back into the war. Everything was familiar, ordinary. I climbed to the cockpit and sat down in the pilot’s seat. A helmet hung over the control column, trailing its intercom plug-in wire. I felt as though if I put it on I could talk to my navigator and the wireless operator.
Hilda had climbed into the second pilot’s seat. Reece, who had followed us, said, ‘I’ll let you know when we’re all set.’
I ran my hand over the controls, thrust at the rudder with my feet.testing the weight of it against my dummy leg. Then I got my handkerchief out and wiped the sweat from my face and hands. It was so damnably hot and I felt sleepy. God, I felt sleepy. I stared at the dials and they seemed to be trembling in the heat of the cabin. I felt sick then.
Hilda’s hand came out and gripped mine. ‘Are you all right?’
I wasn’t all right. I felt faint. But I said, ‘Yes, I’m all right.’ I said it violently as though to convince myself. She kept a tight hold of my hand. And then Reece was at my elbow, peering up at me, telling me they were all on board. ‘Do you want the motors turned over? There’s starting equipment here.’
‘No. They’ll be all right. They shouldn’t need warming up in this heat.’
‘Shall I close the door then?’
‘Yes. Close the door.’
The moment had come now. I looked up from the controls, looking out through the windshield to the ash-covered vineyard that was to be our runway. And then I saw George. They’d moved him to one side and he stood there, a desolate little figure standing dejectedly between the shafts of the broken cart. A violent, uncontrollable wave of anger swept over me. ‘You swines,’ I shouted. ‘You bloody swines.’ I was out of my seat and down the fuselage in an instant. ‘Get him on board. Get him on to the plane.’
They stared at me, Reece and Hacket standing by the door, the others sitting in the canvas seats.