“Feeding time in the steerage”
Remarks:
One of the bats broke up church. The women crawled under the pews when we began the chase. Ham smashed a mirror. He’ll have seven years’ bad luck. I finally hit the bird with a tennis racket, and chased him back to his cage. I don’t know, but I believe Ham let him out. I had a good sermon for today, too. I was going to tell the congregation about the sins of the world. They’ll get that sermon yet.—The cook says we are running out of provisions. Our water supply is still good.—My day for the egg.—We’re crossing the Ægean Sea. Mrs. Ham had to tell us about her last voyage.—Going to have a mock trial tomorrow.
MONDAY.
Remarks:
Had the mock trial tonight. I was arrested on the charge of cruelty to animals. Mrs. Noah swore out the warrant. Japheth was the cop, and Ham the prosecuting attorney. Mrs. Noah was the first witness. She told the court I made the bats sleep upside down, that I wouldn’t let the mock turtles mock, and that I put sawdust in the bran I fed the megatherium cubieri. Mrs. Ham then took the stand and declared I never opened the sardine cans before I fed them to the whales, that I threw my sandle-jack at the cats, and knocked the stuffin’ out of the teddybears. Mrs. Japheth testified I put the chameleon on the crazy-quilt, and that I never cleaned the leopards. Of course, I didn’t do any of these things, but I do wish I had taken a punch at Yorick.
Mrs. Shem was my witness. She said I had been a member of the S. P. C. A. from infancy, that I was a couple of pillars of the temple, that I had done my best to make the bats roost like a regular chicken, and that she had frequently seen me trying to clean the spots off the leopards with benzine. Shem was my lawyer. He declared the accusations were pure blackmail, and that I was too young to be so cruel. The first witness, he said, showed her incompetence by pronouncing “megatherium cubieri,” “megatherium cubieri” and not “megatherium cubieri.” The other witnesses were all in the pay of the animal trust, according to my attorney, and as far as the chameleon charge was concerned he produced evidence to show the bugs like nothing better than a crazy-quilt to display their talents. In ending his speech, Shem said I was the greatest animal keeper who ever lived, and that it would be a blot on ancient history should I be convicted. I was unanimously acquitted by the jury.