"Dr. Romeyn. 'Yea, and all that will live godly in Christ Jesus shall suffer persecution.' 2 Timothy 3:12. Gone as usual; but it came home to my heart. I have not suffered persecution; and why? because my life has not testified sufficiently against a sinful world. Alas, alas! the world loves its own, and I have been so accommodating, to say the least, as not to disturb it. 'The carnal mind is enmity against God; is not subject to the law of God, neither indeed can be;' but the world saw little in me of that image which they hate, and enough of assimilation to balance that little. O my God, my long-suffering, sin-pardoning God, thou knowest my vile cowardice; with professors a professor of thy name, with worldlings a seeming worldling. And now the season is
past, the opportunity lost; the time of life is arrived when the world itself expects to be abandoned. No line of conduct in me will now reprove them; they account it wise to look out for a better portion, when the world can no longer be enjoyed; and through the deceitfulness of their own hearts, and the suggestions of the ever-vigilant enemy of souls, may be hardened in sin, by hoping to become religious in old age. O, let thy grace prevent it.
"The sinfulness, and O, the ingratitude of my past life rise in magnitude every review I take of it. And what can I say? Father, forgive. Yes, I dare say, Father, forgive. I dare say more, Thou hast forgiven. This grief of heart proves that thou hast not sealed me up in impenitence. Thou rememberest thy covenant with me in the days of my youth, when thou didst draw me with the cords of love and the bands of a man; and though no language can express my baseness and my ingratitude, through all my backsliding life, thy covenant stands fast.
"'I remember, and am confounded, and will never open my mouth any more because of my shame, now that thou art pacified towards me for all that I have done. And I know that thou art the Lord.
Contrition dwell within this breast,
That God within this heart may rest:
Shame and confusion flush this face,
And magnify this glorious grace.
Grace be my theme while I have breath,
And on my quivering lips in death.
Angels and fellow-sinners, say,
Will you not join me in this lay,
Now, and through heaven's eternal day?
"Blessed Comforter, thou seest old age upon me,
loss of memory, and a desultory mind; I cannot retain even the substance of my dear pastor's sermons. I thank thee for the food and refreshment at the time, and often after for refreshing meditations on the same subjects. I commit all to thee; keep them for me, and feed me with these truths as thou seest I need. O be to me memory, judgment, presence of mind, for order, regularity, and natural powers are gone. I rejoice in my dear Saviour, who of God is made unto me wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption. He shall perfect that which concerneth me, and finish the work he has begun. Therefore I say, All is well."
"COMMUNION SABBATH, May 17, 1812.
"Was much melted under a sense of indwelling sin, and the deceitfulness of the human heart, and of my own heart in particular. I have been. I think, much in the exercise of contrition for the sins of my past life, and exercised in watching over my words, thoughts, and actions; now that the Lord has delivered me from all necessity to care, having every thing provided for me necessary to life and godliness: pleasant food and clothing both for body and mind; my dear room, retirement, fire, candle, attendance; my precious Bible, and precious, lively, spiritual ordinances; a faithful and beloved pastor, who feeds me with truth: I taste it, and I am fed. I am, as the Lord God merciful and gracious has awarded, under the constant influence of shame and confusion for my highly aggravated transgressions: but I also enjoy the full sense of pardon; being justified by faith, I have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ; and knowing that I have a 'great high-priest that is
passed into, the heavens, Jesus the Son of God,' I am enabled to hold fast my profession, comforted by this, that I have not a high-priest who cannot be touched with the feeling of my infirmities, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. I dare come, not very boldly, for I am under much depression, to the throne of grace, that I may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need. Every time is a time of need with me, for sin still dwelleth in me. I have peace with God through my dear Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, but am at constant war with myself. I plead thy promise, that thou wilt subdue my iniquities, that sin shall not have dominion over me. And now, Captain of salvation, I renew the fight, but it is depending upon thee to fight for me, with me, and in me. I will set myself to watch, but I shall watch in vain, if thou keep not the avenues of my heart, and the door of my lips. O, clothe me with thy meek and lowly spirit."