‘Madam! Natalia Nikolaevna!’ he began, in a strained voice,—and again I was struck by the uneasy straying of his eyes; ‘I will tell you the truth; I am myself most of all to blame.’
‘Ay, to be sure; you would not listen to me at the time,’ assented my mother, sinking into an arm-chair and slightly moving a scented handkerchief before her nose; very strong was the smell that came from Harlov … the odour in a forest bog is not so strong.
‘Alas! that’s not where I erred, madam, but through pride. Pride has been my ruin, as it ruined the Tsar Navuhodonosor. I fancied God had given me my full share of sense, and if I resolved on anything, it followed it was right; so … and then the fear of death came … I was utterly confounded! “I’ll show,” said I, “to the last, my power and my strength! I’ll bestow all on them,—and they must feel it all their lives.…”’ (Harlov suddenly was shaking all over.…) ‘Like a mangy dog they have driven me out of the house! This is their gratitude!’
‘In what way——,’ my mother was beginning.…
‘They took my page, Maximka, from me,’ Harlov interrupted her (his eyes were still wandering, he held both hands—the fingers interlaced—under his chin), ‘my carriage they took away, my monthly allowance they cut down, did not pay me the sum specified, cut me short all round, in fact; still I said nothing, bore it all! And I bore it by reason … alas! of my pride again. That my cruel enemies might not say, “See, the old fool’s sorry for it now”; and you too, do you remember, madam, had warned me; “mind you, it’s all to no purpose,” you said! and so I bore it.… Only, to-day I came into my room, and it was occupied already, and my bed they’d thrown out into the lumber-room! “You can sleep there; we put up with you there even only out of charity; we’ve need of your room for the household.” And this was said to me by whom? Volodka Sletkin! the vile hound, the base cur!’
Harlov’s voice broke.
‘But your daughters? What did they do?’ asked my mother.
‘But I bore it all,’ Harlov went on again; ‘bitterness, bitterness was in my heart, let me tell you, and shame.… I could not bear to look upon the light of day! That was why I was unwilling to come and see you, ma’am, from this same feeling, from shame for my disgrace! I have tried everything, my good friend; kindness, affection, and threats, and I reasoned with them, and more besides! I bowed down before them … like this.’ (Harlov showed how he had bowed down.) ‘And all in vain. And all of it I bore! At the beginning, at first, I’d very different thoughts; I’ll up, I thought, and kill them. I’ll crush them all, so that not a trace remains of them!… I’ll let them know! Well, but after, I submitted! It’s a cross, I thought, laid upon me; it’s to bid me make ready for death. And all at once, to-day, driven out, like a cur! And by whom? Volodka! And you asked about my daughters; they’ve no will of their own at all. They’re Volodka’s slaves! Yes!’
My mother wondered. ‘In Anna’s case I can understand that; she’s a wife.… But how comes it your second.…’