“I remember that from very early days my eyes involuntarily turned with longing towards elderly vigorous men, but I did not pay much attention to this fact. I believed that I only practised masturbation (the influence of which I doubtless exaggerate in memory to some extent) because it was not possible for me to have sexual intercourse with women. I was accustomed sometimes to have friendly association with young girls, who appeared to be extremely attracted towards me. I always took care, however, that such love tendencies were nipped in the bud, because I felt that it was impossible for me to go any further with them. Ultimately I determined to seek salvation in intercourse with prostitutes, although they were disagreeable to my æsthetic and moral feelings; but I got no help here: either I was unable to complete the normal sexual act, or in other cases it was completed without any particular pleasure, and I was always consumed with anxiety with respect to infection. I had, indeed, often the opportunity of forming an ‘intimacy’ with a woman, but I did not do it, and always supposed that my failure to do so depended upon my ridiculous bashfulness and upon the excessive sensitiveness of my conscience. But though there is some truth in both of these suggestions, I have not taken into account the principal grounds—namely, that I am congenitally homosexual, and that I feel no physical attraction, or almost none, towards the other sex. This suffices to explain the fact (which can be explained in no other way) that when masturbating I almost always represented in imagination handsome elderly men. In my lascivious dreams, also, such men play the principal rôle. These longings were so powerful that it was impossible that I should not soon have my attention directed to them; but as I could not understand them and would not take the matter seriously (I knew, indeed, that man must feel drawn towards woman, and not towards man), I continued unceasingly and despairingly to fight against these fixed ideas, while at the same time with varying success I endeavoured to cure myself of masturbation; for in the first place it now gave very little satisfaction, and in the second place it destroyed my hopes of eventually procreating healthy children. I had almost come to believe myself no longer competent for the sexual life when I noticed one day that the view of a membrum virile set my blood flowing fiercely. I then remembered that this had sometimes happened before, although to a less marked extent. I was now compelled to recognize that I was not the same as every one else. This fact, which I had before suspected, and of which I now became more and more firmly convinced, reduced me to despair, which was all the greater because in other ways I felt extremely unhappy, and because I did not dare to speak of it to any human being. Sometimes I still thought that there must be some ‘misunderstanding,’ and that there must be some salvation for me. Then it happened that a simple girl fell in love with me, and I went so far as to enter into an intimacy with her, although I openly assured her that as far as I was concerned it was simply a matter of physical enjoyment, and that I could not in any way make myself responsible for her future, for which reason care must be taken that there should be no offspring. During this intimacy, which lasted several months, I sometimes overcame my enduring inclinations towards men, but completely to suppress them was impossible. My association with the girl was still continuing, when one day in a public lavatory I saw an elderly gentleman whose appearance greatly pleased me. He looked at me tentatively. Cautiously he leaned over, in order membrum meum videre; he gradually drew near to me, moved his shaking hand and ... membrum meum tetigit. I was so much surprised and alarmed that I ran away, and avoided for some time afterwards passing by the same place. All the stronger, however, was the impulse to find this remarkable man once more, and this was not at all difficult. What an enigma such a man seemed to me! How could it happen that he dared to do that of which I had always been able only to think, to dream, with heart-quaking and horror? Could there, perhaps, be another man like this—perhaps several such exceptional beings? A short period convinced me that I was not quite alone in my way of feeling; but this was a weak consolation. Rather, since that time—that is to say, during the last five years—my inward battle has become more unbearable, for earlier my only battle was to reject homosexual ideas, and to overcome the habit of solitary self-abuse. Now sometimes I practise with another mutual onanism (to me the proper ‘natural’ mode of sexual gratification), and yet I cannot forgive myself for doing it because it is effected in so unæsthetic a manner, and is associated with such dangers. Notwithstanding all my endeavours, however, I have never been able to resist the temptation for a long time together; and thus I am hunted always by my impulse as by a wild animal, and can nowhere and in nothing find repose and forgetfulness. I have frequently changed my place of residence, but I always before long form new ‘relationships.’ The tortures which I suffer in consequence of the incomparable power of the impulse are greater them I can possibly express in words. I can only wonder that I did not lose my reason, and that in the eyes of my friends and acquaintances I am now, as before, ‘the most normal of all human beings.’ In the senseless and utterly unsuccessful contest with an impulse which, as far as I am concerned, is wholly, or almost wholly, congenital, I have lost the best of my powers, although I have long recognized the fact that this impulse in and by itself is neither morbid nor sinful, for a divergence from the norm is not a disease, and the gratification of a natural impulse, which in no respect and for no human being leads to evil consequences, cannot be regarded as sinful. Why, then, must I continue to strive against this impulse like a madman? Because it is very generally misunderstood, so unpardonably condemned. What help is it that I am now surrounded by love and respect? I know that so many would turn away from me with horror if they were to learn my sexual constitution, although it is a matter which does not concern them at all. Scorn and contempt would then be my lot. I should be regarded by the majority of human beings as a libertine; whereas I feel and know that, notwithstanding all the sensuality of my nature, I have been created for some other purpose than simply to follow my lustful desire. Who will believe that I suffer in the struggle with myself? Who will have compassion upon me? This idea is intolerable. I am condemned to eternal solitude. I have not the moral right to found a home, to embrace a child who would give me the name of ‘father.’ Is not this punishment sufficiently severe for God knows what sins? Why, then, should the consciousness be superadded that I am a pariah, an outcast from society? Owing to the opinion of society regarding the homosexual—an opinion based upon ignorance, stupidity, and ill-nature—society drives these unhappy beings to death (or to a marriage which in their case is criminal), and then triumphantly exclaims: ‘Look what degenerate beings they are!’ No, they are not degenerates, those whose lives you have made unbearable; they are for the most part spiritually and morally very healthy human beings. I will speak of myself. Why do I long for death? Certainly not because I am mentally abnormal. I am no morbid pessimist, and I know well enough that life can be very beautiful. But, unfortunately, it cannot be so for me; for my life is a hell; I am intolerably weary of my internal conflict; it has become horribly difficult to me to play the hypocrite, to pretend continually to be a happy man rejoicing in life; I am bending beneath the burden of my heavy iron mask. Recently I had myself hypnotized, in order to have my thoughts turned away as far as possible from sexual matters. My hypnotist said to me: ‘You see, you will be at rest now,’ and involuntarily in sleep I had to swallow these words, ‘Be at rest’! Good God, is that possible? Does the ‘normal’ man know how this word sounds in our ears? Who will understand my intolerable pain? Perhaps my dear parents could have done so, as they loved me above all, as if they had a presentiment that I should be the most unhappy of their children; but they have been dead for several years, and so, notwithstanding my numerous relatives and friends, I stand quite alone in this world, and vainly seek an answer to the questions ‘Why?’ and ‘Wherefore?’”
Genuine homosexuality exhibits, like heterosexuality, the character of an impulse arising from the very nature of the personality, which, in activity from the cradle to the grave, expresses the continuity of the individual in respect also of this peculiar sexual tendency. Thus there does not exist a homosexuality limited merely to a certain age of life, as to childhood or youth, to maturity, or even to old age. Hence we must distinguish from genuine homosexuality the pæderasty of old men described by Schopenhauer, which does not begin till old age appears. We must distinguish, also, the love of Greek boys for elderly men; these must be included in the category of pseudo-homosexuality. An inclination which, like original homosexuality, is an outflow of the essential nature of the individual concerned, cannot disappear so long as the individual himself persists, cannot begin or end except with the beginning or end of his life. Homosexuality extends throughout the lifetime, and if by any cause whatever—for example, enforced marriage—it is apparently temporarily suppressed, it always reappears. It seems very doubtful if there really exists, as von Krafft-Ebing[506] assumes, a genuine retarded homosexuality—that is, original homosexuality which does not manifest itself until a comparatively advanced age. There do, doubtless, exist transient cases of pseudo-homosexuality, which have in some cases developed in those previously heterosexual, and which in other cases are superimposed upon a bisexual basis. These belong to the category of “acquired” homosexuality, which is always a pseudo-homosexuality.
The course of life of genuine homosexuals is a complete expression of the results of simple inversion of the sexual impulse, and the homosexual type makes its appearance in childhood. The fact of the “difference” between the homosexual and others is not experienced merely by the person himself, but is also noticed very early by those who have care of him. The “girlish” (in the case of female homosexuality, “boyish”) and “peculiar” nature is often observed by members of the family, by comrades, and by tutors, and gives rise to the use of nicknames. These manifestations and perceptions are a valuable objective confirmation of the subjective sensations of homosexual children. A Protestant clergyman whose homosexual son also studied theology remarked to M. Hirschfeld: “He was from the very beginning different from my five other sons.” The physical and moral peculiarities presently to be described are often manifested in very early childhood. Hirschfeld has frequently been able to diagnose “homosexuality” in children from ten to fourteen years of age. He alludes, among others, to a very timid boy, twelve years of age, who suffered from migraine, who cried frequently, who kept himself apart from his schoolfellows, and corresponded daily with a boy friend. He was fond of flowers and music; he had very little inclination to mathematics (according to Hirschfeld, a somewhat characteristic phenomenon in cases of homosexuality). The examination of the boy, who was extremely bashful, showed that the genital organs were still completely undeveloped, the penis resembling that of a boy of four years, whilst the breasts were markedly developed like those of a girl at the commencement of puberty.
I doubt whether the fondness on the part of boys for girls’ games, or on the part of girls for boys’ games, can be regarded as a symptom of diagnostic importance in regard to the existence of homosexuality, for a fondness for playing with girls and for cooking may often be observed in boys who later prove thoroughly heterosexual. Still, these things do play a great part in the autobiography of homosexuals, and have, in fact, great importance in cases in which these tendencies persist after puberty, when the heterosexually differentiated psyche would, after the transitory episode of these youthful games, display activities now corresponding to the fully developed sexual sensibility.
Puberty is the most important period with regard to the final determination of homosexuality by means of particular physical and mental characteristics.
The consideration of the physical and mental characters of male homosexuals leads clearly to the distinction of two different types—the effeminate and the virile urnings. With regard to the relative numbers of these two types there exist no definite data. Hirschfeld, in his “Urnings,” describes chiefly the type of the more or less effeminate urnings—that is, of those who show the greatest resemblance to the feminine nature—and does not express an opinion as to whether the number of effeminate homosexuals is greater than the number of virile homosexuals—that is, of those whose nature is predominantly masculine. Another experienced observer of urnings, Dr. J. E. Meisner,[507] is of opinion that in the majority of cases the male type of homosexuals is encountered rather than the female. According to my own observations, it appears to me that the number of virile and of effeminate urnings is about identical.[508] There are certainly numerous virile homosexuals, or rather homosexuals of a thoroughly masculine build of body, without great deviations from the normal type, who yet have a more or less feminine mode of sensibility. The distinction between effeminate and virile homosexuals would appear therefore to be only relative, and for the majority of cases Hirschfeld’s remarks (“Urnings,” p. 86) apply:
“A homosexual who was not distinguishable physically and mentally from the complete man is a being I have not yet encountered among fifteen hundred cases, and I am therefore unable to believe in the existence of such until I personally encounter one.”
More especially after removing any beard or moustache that may be present, we sometimes see much more clearly the feminine expression of face in a male homosexual, whilst before the hair was removed they appeared quite man-like. Still more important for the determination of a feminine habitus are direct physical characteristics. Among these there must be mentioned a considerable deposit of fat, by which the resemblance to the feminine type is produced, the contours of the body being more rounded than in the case of the normal male. In correspondence with this the muscular system is less powerfully developed than it is in heterosexual men, the skin is delicate and soft, and the complexion is much clearer than is usual in men. Last winter I attended an urnings’ ball, and I was much impressed, when looking at the décolleté men, with the remarkable whiteness of their skin on the shoulders, neck, and back—also in those who had not applied powder—and by the fact that the little acne spots almost always present in normal men were absent in these. The peculiar rounding of the shoulders was also remarkable, from its resemblance to what one sees in women.
According to Hirschfeld, the skin of the urning almost always feels warmer than his environment. He refers the expression commonly used among the people (in Germany), “warm brothers,” to this circumstance, and derives the Latin homo mollis (“soft man”) from the softness of the skin and of the muscular system (though in my opinion this term is applied rather to the entire effeminate, soft nature of the urning). Of great interest is the relation between the breadth of the shoulders and the width of the pelvis in homosexual men. Whilst the breadth of the shoulders of heterosexual men is several centimetres in excess of the width of the pelvis, and in women the width of the pelvis is greater than the breadth of the shoulders, according to Hirschfeld in the urning there is little or no difference between these two measurements. This, in respect of the bodily structure, would completely justify the expression “intermediate stage,” and would give the homosexual man a position between the heterosexual man and the heterosexual woman. Still, there are, without doubt, numerous virile homosexual men in whom this great width of the pelvis is not present. Investigations regarding the corresponding relationships among homosexual women have not to my knowledge hitherto been made. Very striking is the often luxuriant growth of hair, especially in the effeminate types, whereas the virile homosexuals are in this respect more approximate to normal men, baldness being common among them.
Our attention having been recently directed by the investigation of H. Swoboda to the existence of equivalents of menstruation in men, the occurrence of such equivalents among urnings is of interest. Hirschfeld reports the case of an effeminate homosexual who since the age of fourteen had suffered at intervals of twenty-eight days from migraine, associated with severe pains in the back and loins, so that his stepmother said to him: “It is with you just as it is with us.”