My parents were opposite elements: my father, strong, coarse, brutal, egotistic, material to excess; my mother, suffering, delicate, sensitive, ethereal. From such a cross, a masochistic character must necessarily be produced. My father brought me up with storms, chastisements, and fear; my mother counteracted all this with caresses, kisses, and tears.... I trembled with secret anxiety and exulted inwardly at the same moment when my father stretched me across his knees. As soon as the punishment was over, he immediately proceeded to box someone’s ears—anyone’s, a footman’s, a maid’s, anyone’s. I ran with a smarting posterior to my mother. By her first my injuries were inspected, then I was cried over, embraced, kissed, and finally laughed at and with. This scene repeated itself at irregular intervals. To these years belong my first memory of the masochistic principle of life. This was based upon the following observations:
All my companions, boys and girls alike, endeavoured to play tricks on one another; to tell tales of one another to their parents, tales true and false; in every way to cause suffering, in order then, by redoubled love, to make all right again. On the other hand, I noticed that no child loved another unless it was tormented by that other. Those who did not torment one another were mutually indifferent.
This mutual tormenting and being tormented must therefore, in the nature of things, produce a certain charm, gives rise to a pleasure. This pleasure consisted in increasing, mentally realizing, sympathizing with, the pain of another. This is not sadism—generally speaking, sadism does not exist—it is only refined masochism; for we prepare pains in order to sympathize with them—that is, in order that we may free ourselves.
I especially enjoyed teasing girls, destroying their toys, tearing their dolls to pieces, dirtying their clothing, etc. When, thereupon, they wept bitterly, I fought against their tears, until finally they were consoled. Then I went close to them, embraced them, caressed them, kissed them, and cried with sympathy. What pain and what pleasure did I experience when they pushed me away, struck me, and spat in my face! I bought them once more finer toys, and was so happy when their tears gave place to laughter!
How often I told false tales of other children to their parents, in order to be able to sympathize with the mental pain of an undeserved chastisement! But I was no exception in this, because most of my playmates were the same. I remember how a girl of eleven calumniated a boy of twelve: she declared that he had put his hand on her private parts when she was out walking! The happy, poor lad was frightfully beaten at school and at home. All the children baited him, despised him, and avoided him like the plague.... He became quite afraid of his fellows.
What did I live through at that time?
Moody and spiteful, he lay under a tree; the girl who had told this false tale about him softly drew near, stood by him, and with a pleading voice called his name. Furiously he jumped to his feet, and wished to run away; but she seized his hand, fell upon her knees, and begged for his forgiveness. It was useless for him to abuse her, to strike her, and to tread upon her toes. She threw her arms round him, cried as if her heart was broken, and spoke tenderly to him for so long a time, until at last he sat down beside her, and allowed himself to be caressed. Thus they sat together for a long time, and wept and laughed and wept. Suddenly she seized his hand and pressed it violently between her thighs....
This contact formed the last link of a long logical chain....
These were the facts which first made me feel instinctively how, like every fundamental thing—everything which is of a primeval character: primeval force, primeval matter, primeval impulse, etc.—all represent the union of two extremes; the primeval impulse “love” can also be the coalescence of two opposites. These two opposites in this case are pleasure and pain; as in the case of electricity we have the union of the two opposites, positive and negative electricity; in the case of magnetism, we have the union of positive and negative magnetism; in the case of the atom, the positive and negative ion; in the case of sex, man and woman, etc.