The psycho-analytic study of the family

by J. C. Flugel

Of particular interest in this connection is the displacement Relatives by marriage of feelings originally directed to the parents towards relatives in law. Since by marriage one partner in the marriage is supposed to have entered into the family of the other, and, in virtue of the partial identification of the two partners through common ties of interest and affection, may really be said to have in some measure effected such an entrance, it is not altogether surprising to find much the same conflict of tendencies centering about the new relatives acquired by marriage as that which formerly centred round the relatives by blood. Thus on the one hand we find among primitive peoples the same taboos and avoidances practised in the one case as in the other. In some places, for instance, a man may have no dealings with some or all of the members of his wife's family, nor a wife with those of her husband's[106]. On the other hand a number of practices indicate that connections of an intimate kind between relatives by marriage are, under certain circumstances at any rate, regarded as permissible and appropriate. Such, for instance, is the widespread custom of the Levirate[107], whereby a man is expected to take unto himself his deceased brother's wife or the scarcely less frequent usage of the Sororate[108] whereby a man marries his deceased wife's sister—practices which seem to have made their influence felt (negatively) in our own table of relatives with whom wedlock is forbidden, including, as this does, not only blood relatives but relatives by marriage[109].

In recent times the relationship by marriage which has Parent-in-law and child-in-law attracted most attention is that of parent-in-law and child-in-law. In view of the complex nature of the relations between parent and child and of the elaborate process of re-adjustment in these relations which takes place in the course of normal development, it is only to be expected that, when a person suddenly acquires, as it were, new parents by the act of marriage, he should experience some difficulty in establishing a satisfactory relationship with these new parents, with whom, unlike his own original parents, he may have had but little Difficulties caused by parent fixation on the part of husband or wife time or opportunity to grow acquainted. To this general cause tending to make the relationship between children-in-law and parents-in-law one of difficulty, there are often added at least three further special sources of embarrassment, to the consideration of which we may perhaps profitably devote a few words here. In the first place, husbands and wives are not free to adjust their relations to their parents-in-law according to the inclinations of the two parties directly concerned, but must (if they are to be successful) also bring these relations into some degree of harmony with those of their partners in marriage towards these same parents (in this case parents by blood): this is often far from easy, especially if, as so often happens, either husband or wife or both have not entirely freed themselves from their original infantile attitude towards their parents. Thus let us suppose that a young woman at the time of her marriage still retains a large amount of veneration and (unconscious) love towards her father. This may cause her even after marriage to look to her father rather than her husband as the source of her ideals and aspirations, to mould her life according to his, rather than her husband's, precept and example, and generally to adopt an attitude towards her father, which her husband (who does not altogether share her—probably exaggerated—views as to her father's admirable qualities) can scarcely be expected to imitate or to approve. A very similar difficulty may be brought about in the case of daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, where a son has retained an unduly infantile attitude towards his mother; while in still other cases the trouble may be due to an exaggerated dependence of husband or wife upon the parent of his or her own sex, i. e., the husband upon his father, or the wife upon her mother respectively. It is obvious that a fixation of this kind on the side of either partner in a marriage may (quite apart from its influence on the harmony of the marriage itself) be sufficient to bring about a very considerable degree of difficulty in the relationship between one partner and the parents of the other.

This tendency is moreover liable to be largely reinforced—or The displacement of affect from parents to parents-in-law at least complicated—by the other factors to which we referred above. The second of these sources of difficulty (the one which is indeed most intimately connected with our present line of thought) lies in the fact that the child-in-law himself is frequently unable to regard his parents-in-law with impartial eyes, but transfers to them some of the feelings of love or of hatred which he originally directed towards his own parents. This is perhaps most often and most openly manifest in the case of hostile emotions; men or women expressing relatively freely towards a father-in-law or mother-in-law respectively those feelings of hatred which they had felt (but Hate had perhaps repressed) with reference to the corresponding parents by blood. The natural identification of their parents-in-law with their own parents, in virtue of which this displacement of affect is enabled to take place, is often facilitated by the operation of the factor we have already considered—a parent fixation in the case of the other partner to the marriage. Where such a fixation exists, a father-in-law or mother-in-law may be felt to be in some sort a sexual rival, in very much the same way as was at one time the original parent (p. 17). Thus (to return to the example that we just now used) a husband may feel that his father-in-law unduly influences his wife and absorbs much of her affection and interest to the detriment of that devoted to himself: this recalls the earlier situation in which a similar rival—his own father—exercised a similar influence over the then object of his affection, his own mother; and as a result of an unconscious identification of the new situation with the old, the hostile feeling originally directed towards his own father may be re-awakened and transferred to the father-in-law. In this way the feeling of enmity directed towards the latter may be more intense than that which would be really appropriate to the situation. Any recently aroused (and perhaps to some extent legitimate) feeling of annoyance is reinforced by the emotions set free by the stirring up of the still powerful parent complexes of infancy and childhood.

Less liable to open manifestation is the corresponding Love transfer of affect from parent to parent-in-law where the emotion concerned is love rather than hatred. Such a transfer may nevertheless occur in certain circumstances. In a positive form it may result in a high degree of veneration or affection for the parents-in-law (or one of them), which—especially if it should coincide with a high degree of parent love in the other partner to the marriage—may lead to the existence of very friendly and intimate relations of the younger couple with the elder; relations which may, however, in many cases, tend to undermine the initiative and independence of the younger pair. In a negative form (which is very liable to occur, since the vigorous repression of the original incestuous thoughts very easily extends to any fresh tendencies calculated to arouse them) a transfer of this kind may lead to frequent troubles, misunderstandings and frictions between the child-in-law and parent-in-law whom it concerns.

The third and last of our three factors which complicate Corresponding displacement on the part of the parents-in-law themselves the relations of children-in-law and parents-in-law consists in a similar displacement of affect on the part of the parents-in-law, in virtue of which they may direct towards their children by marriage the affection or hostility which they originally experienced in relation to their own children; a factor the significance of which may perhaps be more fully and easily appreciated after we have discussed the intimate nature of these original feelings of parents to their own children (cp. Ch. XIV below), and with regard to which perhaps it is therefore best to content ourselves with a mere passing reference here.

The relation between child-in-law and parent-in-law which Son-in-law and Mother-in-law has become notoriously the most difficult in recent times is that of son-in-law and mother-in-law. This relation too has been made the object of some special study by psycho-analysts[110], who have found in it all the factors which we have referred to above. Among the most important grounds for the hostility which so often marks this relationship have been observed the following:—

1. The conflict between the mother and the husband for the possession of the daughter and her belongings. The mother having in the majority of cases in the past enjoyed a greater or less degree of authority over the daughter, is loth to abandon this source of power, and seeks to retain it by exercising (through the frequent giving of advice, appeal to her own greater experience or otherwise) some sort of control over the daughter's household or mode of life. This interference on the part of the mother-in-law in the domestic arrangements of the younger couple is very apt to be resented by the son-in-law, either directly, because it appears to threaten his own supreme control over his own family, or indirectly, because he identifies himself with the daughter (his wife) who in her turn may not unnaturally object to the continuance of maternal supervision after her marriage. On the other hand, should the daughter display a marked tendency to be influenced by her mother or a high degree of veneration or affection for her, the son-in-law will again resent the interference of the latter, as threatening an encroachment on his wife's love and respect towards himself.

2. The husband's fear of losing (through too intimate contact with his mother-in-law) the sense of sexual attractiveness which his wife possesses for him. The mother-in-law reminds him of his wife, but is without her youthful beauty and this is apt to produce in him a dim sense of apprehension lest, as a result of seeing, as it were, the mother in the daughter, and of vaguely realising that the daughter may one day come to resemble the mother, the former may lose for him her charm and his whole marriage become thereby distasteful.

Of these two motives tending to produce disagreement between mother-in-law and son-in-law, the first is for the most part situated at or near the surface of consciousness, while the second can in many cases be brought to consciousness by the exercise of a little courageous introspection. Both motives, however (especially the second), are liable to be reinforced by two further motives, which remain for the most part buried in the Unconscious.

3. The mother-in-law may re-awaken in the son-in-law, in the manner we have already indicated, feelings which are incestuous in origin, being a displacement of those originally directed towards his own mother; the repression of these feelings of affection then giving place to their opposite—a feeling of repulsion or hostility—as a means of preventing the irruption into consciousness of the tabooed incestuous desires. As some indication of the reality of this factor, apart from the results of psycho-analysis, may be mentioned the fairly well recognised facts that it is possible for a man to be attracted to his future mother-in-law before he falls in love with his future wife, that he may hesitate as to whether he shall marry mother or daughter, or that he may fall back upon the mother should the daughter die or fail him in some other way. As further evidence too—on the negative side—we may refer to the extraordinarily numerous and widespread taboos and "avoidances" which affect the relations between son-in-law and mother-in-law among primitive peoples.