The psycho-analytic study of the family

by J. C. Flugel

Although it is necessary thus to urge both the inevitability and the desirability of the love relationship between parent Family hatreds however are undesirable, when intense and prolonged and child, our attitude towards the hate relationship, which so frequently accompanies the child's early love, need not in all respects be similar. The early arousal of love in connection with the parents or their substitutes is, we have maintained, essential for the proper unfolding of the emotional and moral characteristics, and is therefore to be desired, even apart from the immediately pleasurable and beneficial aspects of this love both to parent and to child. The corresponding hatreds are certainly not in themselves either pleasurable or beneficial, and their undesirable consequences are often, as we have seen, all too clearly obvious.

Nevertheless, there can be little doubt that certain though to some extent inevitable and necessary tendencies and affects (useful and necessary under certain conditions—such as anger or those feelings that are aroused by rivalry and competition) receive in this manner a stimulation which is not without its beneficial aspects. The tendency to revolt, in particular, is one of the most valuable aids to progress and the earliest manifestations of this tendency must necessarily have reference to the home. A child who never disobeyed his parents and who never felt their authority as irksome would in all likelihood be sadly deficient in individuality and initiative in later life. For this reason the arousal of a desire to rebel against the parents (with the accompanying feelings of hostility) is not in every case to be condemned. Indeed, as we have already shown, the incompatibility between the desires and points of view of children and of adults makes such a tendency to rebellion and hostility to some extent inevitable. It is only when this hostility is frequently and violently aroused that the benefits are not commensurate with the disadvantages. In every case moreover it would seem desirable that the tendencies to rebellion and hostility should not be concentrated on the family circle but should, as soon as may be, seek an outlet in some other direction, where they will be less liable to constant stimulation (a state of affairs that is obviously undesirable) and less likely to give rise to unprofitable and dangerous mental conflicts.

A great part of the hostility which a child feels towards the parent of his own sex is, as we have seen, due to jealousy. This jealousy is, in all probability, to some extent an inevitable accompaniment of the love the child feels towards the parent of opposite sex and—like the more sensual aspects of that love itself—is destined to disappear from consciousness in the course of normal development. Here it would seem that the aim of our endeavour should be to prevent the excessive arousal of this jealousy, which if too strong would bring about a serious tendency to fixation at the stage of primitive parent-hatred. How they can be minimised To achieve this end much can be done by the maintenance within due bounds of the love relationship between the child and his parent of the opposite sex; if the love of the child towards one of his parents is developed in excess, the hostility towards the other parent is apt to be correspondingly developed. Again, the early arousal of affection between the child and his parent of the same sex will act as the strongest and most natural preventive of hatred. General harmony within the family, and particularly between the two parents, is also an advantage, since under these conditions the child is less likely to look upon the parent of his own sex as a tyrant or an intruder, to whom the other parent unwillingly submits. For this reason the divorce or separation of parents, whose marriage is unhappy, may often be of very considerable benefit to the child and is by no means, as is sometimes urged, an unmitigated evil.

Apart from these general measures any conduct which needlessly stimulates the jealousy or envy of the child should be avoided. Thus, parents should not unnecessarily and excessively demonstrate their affection for one another in the presence of their children, particularly in such a way as to make the latter appear neglected or left out in the cold. The more directly sexual relationships between the parents are almost inevitably painful or embarrassing to the children; and should not be too openly manifested in their presence or within their hearing[267].

On the other hand the maintenance of strict and unnecessary Sexual enlightenment secrecy as regards these relationships, or as regards sexual matters in general, is also very undesirable. The child's curiosity and envy are, by any such procedure, artificially stimulated, and a child will sometimes bear a lasting grudge against the parent who has refused information on this subject or who has resorted to deception. On the contrary, the advantages of perfect frankness and openness on sex matters (especially as regards enquiries made by the child) are often abundantly apparent, and are increasingly recognised by all those who have devoted their attention to the subject[268].

A matter of no less importance is that parents should Parental jealousy beware lest any feelings of jealousy which they themselves may harbour with regard to the children, should be allowed to exercise an undue influence over their own conduct. There is less excuse for the existence of such feelings in the parent than there is in the child, inasmuch as the former possesses, or should possess, greater integration and maturity of mind and a more thorough understanding of the nature of his acts and of their consequences; and in addition there is less real cause for jealousy, since the parent is himself responsible for the child's existence, and since, with the superior capacities of the adult, he has less need—at any rate within a happy marriage—to fear the child as a serious rival for the affections of his partner.

In spite of all such precautions however, it is probable By suitable measures the friction between parents and children can be greatly reduced, though never entirely abolished that it will always prove an impossibility to prevent altogether the arousal of some degree of hostility on the part of the child towards the parent of his own sex. The nature of the antagonism between the two individuals in question is too deeply rooted in human motives and human institutions to be without some consequences even under the most favourable circumstances. All that can reasonably be hoped for is that such degree of jealousy as may be unavoidable may throughout be held in check by feelings of affection, and that it may eventually pass away, with the gradual weaning of the child from the exclusive direction of its love towards the other parent.

Still less perhaps can parents expect to avoid altogether the arousal of hatred due to causes other than jealousy. The only method of doing so would be to refrain from all appreciable interference with the child's tendencies and impulses, while fulfilling all its wants. This, however, is an obvious psychological, social and ethical impossibility. The desires of the child conflict too much with the comfort of the parents and with the established usages of society to be allowed free play, and even if the granting of free play were possible, it would not be in all respects desirable, since the proper education of the child undoubtedly requires some degree of extraneous interference. Nevertheless we are beginning to realise that such interference need often be less irksome than was previously supposed. The old idea that education, to be profitable, must be unpleasant, is now probably abandoned by all thoughtful students of education, even in its application to early childhood—a period in which the extreme immaturity of the mind and the remoteness of its aspirations from those of the culture the rudiments of which it is starting to acquire would seem to make the process of training almost necessarily difficult and disagreeable. Dr. Montessori and others are showing how the education of the young child can be brought about both more effectually and more pleasantly by the substitution of guidance for restriction, and by linking on the activities which have to be learnt to those in which the child naturally and spontaneously indulges; while the possibilities of education on similar principles in the case of older children have been very successfully demonstrated in the case of the George Junior Republic and the Little Commonwealth. In so far as the more general control and instruction exercised by parents can be conducted on the same lines, the friction between parents and children that arises as a consequence of this necessary control will tend to diminish, though the total avoidance of such friction will scarcely ever be attained.

All that we have here been saying as regards the desirable The ties between parents and children must be loosened as the children grow up relationship between parents and children has primarily reference only to the early years of childhood. As the child grows up, considerable modifications of attitude and conduct will of course be necessary. Particularly is this the case as regards the nature of the love between parents and children. It would seem necessary indeed, as we have just pointed out, that the stage of incestuous object-love should be passed through by the child; it is both useless and undesirable to throw unnecessary obstacles in its way. But, as we have also seen, when this necessary stage has been successfully attained, there remains the far more difficult task of proceeding to the further stages of object-love which involve a weaning of the child from the original incestuous object and a corresponding readjustment of emotional attitude on die part of the parent. A wise parent will thus do all that is possible to avoid a too enduring concentration and fixation of the child's affections on himself (the parent). He will see that suitable opportunities occur for the due arousal of love and interest in other directions and will not himself encourage the fixation of his child's love at the incestuous stage by a too ardent reciprocation of tenderness or affection.

It is here perhaps more than at any other point that our standards of conduct require revision in the light of psychoanalytic experience. Elsewhere the lessons of psycho-analysis The necessity for this has been very insufficiently recognised for the most part merely reinforce educational aims and aspirations of which we had already and independently become aware; but as regards the necessity for the gradual weaning of affection between child and parent, our responsibilities had been anything but clear, and there can be little doubt that many well meaning parents have in the past all unwittingly jeopardised their children's future by an unwillingness to loosen the close ties of affection and dependence which were appropriate in infancy, but which are prejudicial to the full development of personality in later life.