Life and Conduct

by J. Cameron Lees

There are two things which specially show the importance of friendship:

(a) It is regarded by others as a test of our character. The worth of a man will always be rated by his companions. The proverbs of all nations show this. "A man is known by the company he keeps." "Like draws to like." "Birds of a feather flock together." If our companions are worthless, the verdict of society regarding us will be that we are worthless ourselves. This verdict may not in all cases be true, but the probability is that it will be true. If we are admitted to the friendship of men of honor, integrity and principle, people will come to believe in us. We would not, they will feel, be admitted into that society unless we were in sympathy with those who compose it. If we wish, therefore, that a good opinion should be formed regarding us by others, we need to be especially careful as to those with whom we associate closely and whom we admit to intimate friendship.

(b) Friends have a special power in moulding our character. George Herbert's saying is true, "Keep good company, and you shall be of their number." It is difficult, on the other hand, to be much with the silly and foolish without being silly and foolish also. It is the common explanation of a young man's ruin that he got among bad companions. We may go into a certain society confident that we will hold our own, and that we can come out of it as we go in; but, as a general rule, we will find ourselves mistaken. The man of the strongest individuality comes sooner or later to be affected by those with whom he is intimate. There is a subtle influence from them telling upon him that he cannot resist. He will inevitably be moulded by it. Here also the proverbs of the world point the lesson. "He who goes with the lame," says the Latin proverb, "will begin to limp." "He who herds with the wolves," says the Spanish, "will learn to howl." "Iron sharpeneth iron," says the scriptural proverb, "so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend." The rapidity of moral deterioration in an evil companionship is its most startling feature. It is appalling to see how soon an evil companionship will transform a young man, morally pure, of clean and wholesome life, into an unclean, befouled, trifling good-for-nothing. Lightning scarcely does its work of destruction quicker, or with more fell purpose.

It is difficult to give precise rules in regard to the formation of friendship. "A man that hath friends," says Solomon, "must show himself friendly." The man of a generous and sympathetic nature will have many friends, and will attract to himself companions of his own character. A few suggestions, however, founded on practical experience, may be offered for our guidance.

I. We should be (a) slow to make friendships, and (b) slow to break them when made.—(a) It is in the nature of some to take up with people very readily. Some young men are like fish that rise readily to a gaudy and many-colored fly. If they see anything that attracts them in another they admit him at once to their confidence. It should not be so. Among the reported and traditional sayings of Christ, there is one that is full of wisdom: "Be good money changers." As a money changer rings the coin on his counter to test it, so we should test men well before we make them our friends. There should be a narrow wicket leading into the inner circle of our social life at which we should make them stand for examination before they are admitted. An old proverb says, "Before you make a friend, eat a peck of salt with him." We should try before we trust; and as we should be careful whom we receive, we should be equally careful whom we part with. "Thine own friend, and thy father's friend, forsake not." With some, very little severs the bond of friendship. They are always changing their companions. They are "Hail fellow, well met," with one to-day, and cold and distant to-morrow. Inconstancy in friendship is a bad sign. It generally arises from readiness to admit to intimacy without sufficient examination. The friendship that is quickly cemented is easily dissolved. Fidelity is the very essence of true friendship; and, once broken, it cannot be easily renewed. Quarrels between friends are the bitterest and the most lasting. Broken friendship may be soldered, but never made sound.

Alas! they had been friends in youth,
But whispering tongues can poison truth.
* * * *
They parted, ne'er to meet again,
But never either found another
To free the hollow heart from paining.
They stood aloof, the scars remaining,
Like cliffs which had been rent asunder;
A dreary sea now flows between.
COLERIDGE.

Shakespeare gives this rule for friendship in his own wonderful way.
It could not be better stated—

The friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hooks of steel;
But do not dull thy palm with entertainment
Of each new-hatched, unfledged comrade.

II. We should refuse friendship with those whose standard of right is below our own.—Anything in a man or woman that indicates low moral tone, or want of principle, should debar them at once from our friendship. It is not easy to say in so many words what want of principle is, but we all know what is meant by it. It corresponds to a constitutional defect in the physical system. A person may have ailments, but that is different from a weak and broken constitution. So a person may have faults and failings, but a want of principle is more serious. It is a radical defect which should prevent friendship. A small thing often shows us whether a person wants principle. The single claw of a bird of prey tells us its nature. According to the familiar saying, "We don't need to eat a leg of mutton to know whether it is tainted; a mouthful is sufficient." So a single expression may tell us whether there is a want of moral principle. A word showing us that a person thinks lightly of honesty, of purity in man, of virtue in woman, should be sufficient to make us keep him at a distance. We may be civil to him, try to do him good, and lead him to better things, but he is not one to make our friend. Cowper the poet says:

I would not enter on my list of friends,
Though graced with polished manners and fine sense,
Yet wanting sensibility, the man
Who needlessly sets foot upon a worm.