March the 5th.—Very comfortable all day. About eleven at night, he suffered much. He said, Oh! I am quite worn out! I hope I shall not be long. It seems as if I could leave all now—Aunt, I can leave you! I hope I shall not suffer much at last—do you think I shall? I do not think you will my dear, but in all your sufferings the Lord will support you; you are not without sweet support now, are you? Oh, no! I am greatly supported, What a mercy it is to have promises to rest on. Oh! I want to go—not so much to get rid of suffering, as to see Jesus, which is better. Adding, Aunt, this is a comfort to me, you will not be long after me, nor uncle neither.—Once, when holding him up in my arms, he feared I should let him fall and cried out, Hold me up, hold me up! After a short pause, in a very expressive manner, said, Hold thou me up, and I shall be safe; and then to me, As thy day is, so shall thy strength be.
One day, he said, I have longed when I have seen people go down into the water to be baptized, to go too. He was answered, That there was no salvation in water. He replied, Oh! I know that, but you know it is so sweet to follow the Lord! At another time, he said, Aunt, I have a secret hope, that if I was to recover, the Lord would never let me forget his goodness to me; these afflictions would be useful to me through life. Once, when in great pain, he said, Its only weaning—I want a great deal of weaning. Oh what a mercy to be reconciled to the will of the Lord. The Lord is very good.
The following Saturday, when lifting him into bed, he said, Oh! Aunt, may the Lord give me patience, and you strength. I answered, I believe he will. And though we could mot see the end of the Lord, in thus afflicting him, yet if not before, we should in the light of glory. He answered, What a mercy to know we are going there. I hope my dear you know for yourself, you are going there? He replied with great firmness, Yes, I can say I believe I am.—And last night (alluding to some hours of great pain and agony) he said, If I could have spoken, though my poor body was so much afflicted, and my patience almost gone, I could have said, I know I am going to glory! He added, If I am not deceived, I hope I am not. Oh! what a great thing to be reconciled to the will God. Oh! pray for me, that I may have more patience to hold out.
March 26.—For several hours in great extremity of pain, but declared himself happy in soul.—Something having been said about faith, he answered, Ah! it is easy enough to talk about faith, but to be afflicted as I am, then we see how little faith we have got. Oh! Aunt, pray for me? Ask the Lord, Oh! do, do! Observe, this latter expression, Ask the Lord, was continually his request. I once said to him, then you believe the Lord heareth prayer? He answered with great quickness, Yes, and answering too. Being encouraged not to fear, he said, But sometimes I have fears! But why art thou cast down, Oh my soul? This day, when much distressed in body, he said, But why should I complain? What did the Lord suffer?
He sunk beneath our heavy woes To raise us to a throne; There’s not a gift his hand bestows, But cost his heart a groan!
March 28.—He said, Aunt, I am not desirous to live, but I hope I shall not go off in agony. Oh! Oh! let me be the subject of your prayers, continually! Oh! spend all your time in wrestling for me.
Lord’s day, March 31.—In the afternoon a few friends came to see him, and a few hours he was cheerful, and free from pain. About ten, his pains became intolerable. It was a time of great distress. Between eleven and twelve, he became more easy, and a sweet colour appeared in his countenance. He said, Aunt, when I am in glory I shall sing as loud as any one, The crowned Lord of all. Oh! I long to go—I long to be singing hallelujah! He then sung Hallelujah, hallelujah! He then repeated the whole of the hymn, Grace, ’tis a charming theme; laying a particular emphasis on the words, Wrote my name—repeating ( My name ). Oh! I long to be singing. Crown him Lord of all! Calling to his Uncle in the next room, to come, Crown him Lord of all! On its being complied with, he joined with the sweetest voice. On our retiring to the next room, he sung alone, in a soft voice, a great part of the hymn, called Gethsemane. He then called, Uncle; come and sing again? On his replying, My dear; I am very low, he said, never mind, I will help you! He then sweetly joined in, Grace, ’tis a charming sound. At the conclusion, he said, It is all of grace. Oh! I long to Crown him Lord of all! He requested his Uncle to go to prayer? When concluded, he shook him by the hand, saying, I thank you, I thank you.—Monday.—Extremely low all day. On turning him in bed, he said, Oh! what should I do without you? but instantly added, in a louder voice, What should I do without the Lord?
Tuesday, April 2nd.—A day full of pain and distress indeed. About noon, he said, I shall not be long here! I expressed a hope of meeting him in glory. He answered, Yes, I do not fear that. I replied, yes, for He is able to save to the uttermost. He replied, If he has not saved you, he never will—adding, Saved from the beginning of the world! What a mercy Aunt, to be in Christ?—Wednesday.—Very low all day. Several times in the day he expressed a desire to depart, and be with Christ. He cried out, Oh! this poor sinful body—a body of sin and death!—Late at night, he sighed, and said, Lord, what is man!—Thursday.—Suffered much all day. About noon, he said, To-morrow is Good Friday—Ah! what did the Lord suffer for us? And in a very emphatic manner, said, Oh Gethsemane!—Friday.—Evidently much worse. About noon he was very restless. I said, My dear, who can place your pillow easy? He replied, Only one God—must be my physician. About noon, he said, Oh! pray to the Lord to take me very soon? Then you are willing to go to him? He replied, Yes, before tea time, if it was the Lord’s will! Oh that I could fall asleep in his arms. Oh! wrestle Aunt, Oh! wrestle! On uttering a few short petitions in his behalf, he affectionately thanked me, saying, Oh that our united prayers may be answered. About three o’clock, he said, Oh! why doth he tarry so long? Oh that his chariot was waiting for me! On assuring him that was the case—that the holy angels were surrounding him, to convey him before the throne of God and the Lamb, he cried, Oh that he would come quickly! Oh! to hear the sound of his chariot wheels! Why doth he tarry so long? When about to fall asleep in his arms, he whispered:
Cease fond nature, cease thy strife, Let me languish into life.
The remainder of the evening spent in great pain, but fervent expressions after the coming of the Lord, often crying, Oh! ask the Lord why is his chariot so long in coming! About three in the morning, he fell into a sleep, and without pain or groan, sweetly fell asleep in Jesus.