MY EVER DEAR FRIENDS IN THE BEST OF BONDS,
Grace and peace be your’s.—I trust I need not apologize for writing to you from such a place, and under such circumstances. You will no doubt join me in saying, I am just where the Lord had long devised I should be, and where, I bless his dear name, he graciously condescends to pay me many a visit, sometimes with a rod, and sometimes with a smile: and he has promised both to us—he laid up the rod as well as the manna in the ark, and it is only the sanctified rod, afflictions in Christ, that can do us any lasting good. But I trust that in my personal experience, the rod has budded in my convictions of what I have done amiss in many things, for says an inspired apostle, “In many things we all offend.” I hope the rod has also blossomed in my humility, and that the fruit will be peace and righteousness; and as much preciseness in my whole conduct, as if my salvation depended on it. I trust the long contention the Lord has had with me, for these ten years past, is consummated. I cannot bless God for distress of mind, but I can bless him for that grace that melts the heart, and produces that secret sacred mourning, wonder, gratitude, and peace. None but an all-seeing Jehovah can tell what I have seen here; my grief has been great, my sighs have been many, my heart has been broken, sin has appeared detestable, error damnable, man truly depraved, God patient, long suffering and good. I have been deeply distrest on account of my own sins, and the sins of others. O that this work had been as deep on my soul some years ago, as it has been only some few months past, but, alas, I lived too far off from God—company—visits—bustle—noise—stir—clamour—and levity of manners, light and trifling professors, and no power given me sufficient to keep me on my guard. These stole my time, attention, and talents; the spirit’s operations were not watched, the Saviour was slighted, and his dear company shunned; established believers and deep taught favorites of the most high were left, and I was in doubts what to do between conscience and feelings, guided too much by the latter, and the former got hardened. These and a thousand things more I deeply regret; these try my spirit now, and though I have no doubt they are pardoned, for I have tasted, felt, and handled that blessing also in this place, yet I cannot, will not forgive myself, while I live in the body. What the Lord is doing with me, has puzzled many, but he has not left me wholly in the dark about it. As the great Head of the Church, he is washing the feet of his disciples; digging and purging his garden, pruning his trees, awaking the north wind, beating his spices, snuffing his candles, trimming his lamps, trying his gold, refining his silver, purging the dross, removing the rubbish, descending in a cloud, and stripping me of self-admiration, which is rank idolatry—and all this is in covenant love. This is using the fan, and the sieve, and I hope purging that away that can be well spared; and I can assure my dear friends I am still praying over, and watching the accomplishment of that sweet text in Zechariah, “I will bring the third part through the fire; I will try them as gold is tried, and refine them as silver is refined: they shall call on my name. I will say it is my people, and they shall say, the Lord is my God, Selah.”
The Lord tries our faith, by stirring up every thing in opposition to us, yet enabling us to believe thro’ all. He tries our love, by leading us to see the awful errors that abound in the world, in opposition to the most blessed Redeemer; and by sometimes hiding his face. He tries our hope, by permitting Satan to assault us on every hand. He tries our patience, by delays to answer our prayers, by the length of our afflictions, and by their aboundings. Thus he tries us, and then he most graciously gives us an opportunity of trying him. We try his love, and find it the same every hour. We try his power, and find it supports and cheers us. We try his word, and find it precious. We try his obedience, death, and intercession, and find it brings a lasting peace to the soul. We try his truth and faithfulness, and find that firm all the way to heaven! We try his long suffering, by our daily provocations; and we try his mercy, and find it kind. His grace, and find it sovereign, rich, and free. Thus the Lord deals with us, and we with him.
These things I have found, felt, and known, and hope, through abounding goodness, yet to proclaim to others, perhaps not more faithfully than I have, but I hope more simply and clearly. I want the divine spirit to lead me deeply into all truths, for the knowledge and purity of God’s people’s minds and consciences, and to follow after righteousness in every sense—peace and joy as the happy consequence. I have no doubt but this trial is for my present salvation, in many senses, but I am afraid of every thing—Satan has desired to have me, but you can guess the cause why not, “I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not.”
Ever your’s, in Christ,
Ruhamah.
LETTER XV.
Valley of Achor, Jan. 11, 1818.
Mr. Jones.
MY MUCH BELOVED BROTHER,
I thank you for your kind letter, it was more than a mite cast into the gospel treasury, as every kind word and kind action is doubly sweet when a person is in deep trouble; I have often thought of poor Job, when he cried out in the real bitterness of his heart, “Have pity upon me, O my friends, for the hand of God hath touched me.” But above all, I have at times thought of him who said, “Lover and friend hast thou put away from me.”—(88th Psalm). Ah! he was forsaken that we might never be forsaken—he was bound for our liberty—chastised for our peace—suffered for our comfort—died for our life—and lives that sin might die, and our souls might be with him—he toiled for our ease, and for our safety bled. Need I tell you who I mean? Him, being delivered for our offences, him hath God exalted. “Sir, if ye have borne him hence, tell me where ye have laid him.” “We hid our faces from him, yet we did esteem him—the bond of our peace was upon Him, the Lord hath laid on him the iniquities of us all. Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him, he hath put him to grief—therefore will I divide him a portion with the great.” “Saw ye him whom my soul loveth?” “I sought him, but I found him not—I will seek him, I found him, I held him, and would not let him go until I had brought him into my brother’s house.” Need I mention his name? It would not be half so sweet, as if you were on a journey, or accidentally fell in company with one that loved him, and over-heard his dear name mentioned by a stranger, in a very sweet and savory way: how it would open your ears, lead out your love, and quicken your soul. “His name is Jesus! for he shall save his people from their sins.” But this could not be, without his acting as a substitute for them, and this he has done. He first indemnified his people, and then gave himself up to the justice of God. Ah, little did his enemies think what was in the heart of Jesus when he gave himself up to them, and said, “If ye seek me, let these go their way.” This was acting over what he had engaged to do in eternity, when the adorable Father called him forth to act for the dear people of his charge. Considering them in the fallen state, as sinners, justice looked to him for satisfaction, and millions were saved upon the ground of his covenant engagement; his vast mind took in the nature of sin, with all its deserts, and he engaged to become a sin-offering, to bear all our guilt, to stand in our place, in the malefactor’s cloaths, and to endure all that we had deserved. O my brother, how we shall love him when we see him in all his glory, in heaven; but is it not very lamentable, that sin in us should so chain us down to earth and self, that we can but seldom rise to God, and never without sin, evil is ever present. I feel at times its influence so deeply as I cannot describe to any one—to me, it is as trying as St. Paul’s thorn in the flesh. I humbly conceive that good man was perpetually buffeted to curse God, but what I feel is different, and yet so horrible I cannot tell anyone on earth. O my grief, how great it is on this subject, and if it is Satan’s influence, what a cruel Devil he must be, to harrass in this present affliction, but I am a sinner, and the Lord will make me feel it. I have too much given way to Satan, and now he is set at me like a bull-dog, or as a gaping lion, ready to devour me—my faith is weak and my fears are strong. I want the strength and vigor of faith in exercise, to carry me above present feelings, and present troubles; but as sinners, I believe God will make us most heartily sick of sin, especially our most easy besetment, shall be the principal pull that Satan and the world will ever trouble us with. Thus I find nothing can subdue sin but communion with Christ, maintained and kept up by our union with him. The mind must be powerfully led by the holy spirit, to contemplate what Christ is to us, and as we are kept near to him, sin cannot get the mastery. A daily cross galls the old man, and imbitters Life, but a view of Jesus, accompanied with power, subdues sin—that which pardons sin subdues it. This is what we want, and all our neglect of Christ, is punished by Satan’s stirring up sin, seducing us into it, and then turning accuser, and a court adversary. But I apprehend the Lord has but one grand object in view, and that is to lead us to Jesus only. The troubles of Life wean us from the world; the weakness of God’s children, and their faults, keep us from idolizing the very best of them. Sin within us keeps us from settling in the flesh, while the temptations of the devil urge us constantly to make Christ our refuge. Thus the Lord over-rules all for us, and, as an all-wise physician, he compounds all our conflicts, to make us like himself, by being a partaker of his holiness. Every day’s experience proves to us the value of Jesus, as God-Man Mediator—as our atoning sacrifice, and everlasting justification before God. As our head and representative—our intercessor and advocate—as the blessed maintainer of his own work—and as engaged to help, protect, bless, and bring us home to glory.