'Don't tempt fate again, that's my advice,' replied his friend. 'Drink the old fellow's burgundy whenever he gives you the chance, but don't laugh at him before his face any more; for, if he detects you, you'll find he'll ruin you; conceited and of meagre attainments though he may be, he knows military law, and how to work it against anyone who offends him. Men of his stamp, who have little or nothing but their physical strength to boast of, never forget or forgive being laughed at. He never stopped till he got poor Banter out of the service. Remember, it's not worth while to give up your commission for a laugh.'
'Well, Archer, I am schooled, and promise to be careful, and, as you advise, never to laugh at him again before his face. Good manners be my speed; but you don't object to my doing it behind his back, that's some comfort.'
'So ho!' said Archer, 'you're quibbling. I want you to keep out of danger; you know best whether laughing under any circumstances at a man like that, considering his and your position, will help you to keep out of danger.'
'Amen, so be it!' said Wagner. 'I'll henceforth be as grave as an owl, and as silent as a clock that isn't wound up.' So ended the colloquy between the young Adjutant and his friend Archer.
Shortly after the scene just described, General B. was ordered to act for General Somers in the Presidency Division. This was joyful news to all stationed in the Southern Division, and the reverse to those stationed in the Presidency Division.
Within a month after General Bluster had taken up the command at the Presidency, the season for making his tour of inspection arrived, and he accordingly visited in succession all the stations within his range; amongst the rest that of Wallajahbad, forty miles from Madras, but once a frontier station, at the time spoken of merely a sick depôt for the Company's invalid officers and Sepoys, who had returned sick from foreign service, or for troops suffering from fever and other complaints which induced the medical officers of their regiments to recommend them a change of climate.
When the General visited this cantonment there were only two effective officers in the station, the Doctor and the cantonment Adjutant; the two others were non-effective—invalids, Colonel H., commanding the cantonment, and Lieutenant C., who sometimes put the company of invalid Sepoys stationed there through their drill. The Doctor and the Adjutant had work enough on their hands, as there were often 600 men on the sick list, sometimes more than 1,000; but no other person had anything beyond the slightest routine work to do, and very little of that. Colonel H., though married, was a man who thought of little else than gratifying his animal passions—more canino, the expression of his features plainly demonstrated these propensities, and his language, which was scarcely ever anything but obscene, fully confirmed the facial indication.
On the occasion of the General's advent, this pleasant gentleman invited the Doctor and his wife and Lieutenant C. to dine with him, to meet the General. I give these paltry details because it affords the reader an opportunity of seeing General B. in private society, and in the company of ladies. Mrs. H., during the dinner, and as long as she stayed afterwards, said very little. Colonel H. said nothing, except to agree with the General whatever the subject or statement might be. The Doctor's wife was the only person who maintained anything that might be called general conversation. The Doctor himself at first said very little, having had at his hospital a small sample of General B.'s amiable temper and manner.
This little display arose thus: The General asked how many sick he had (the report had been placed in his hands almost immediately after he reached the hospital; this he did not look at, but after folding it up placed it in a letter-case carried by an orderly). The Doctor answered: 'Nearly 700, General.' 'What do you mean by nearly, sir?' said the questioner. 'Answer my question, and state the precise number.' 'Six hundred and seventy-nine, sir,' replied the surgeon. 'How can that be, sir? You have nothing like that number in hospital.' 'No, General, only 130, which is all the hospital will hold without injurious crowding.' 'Oh, that's all it will hold, is it? But I see some empty beds; how do you account for that?' 'Patients dismissed this morning, General.' 'But you say you have near 700 sick, and only 130 in hospital; what do you do with the 500 and odd remaining?' 'They are on the convalescent list, General.' 'On the convalescent list! I ask you what you do with them.' 'They live in the Lines, General.' 'And do you visit them in the Lines?' 'When any of them are ill enough to require visiting in the Lines I do visit them, and then send them into hospital. Those who suffer from chronic ailments, or from debility, attend at the hospital as desired.' 'As desired!' repeated the General. 'Pray, sir, what kind of phrase is that? What am I to understand by it?' 'As often as is considered desirable, General.' 'D——n it, sir, what do you mean? Do you mean once a day, or every other day, or twice a week? What do you mean? Why don't you try and speak plain English?' 'Some of them do come every morning, some every other morning, some twice a week, and some once a week,' replied the Doctor. 'Upon my word, sir, you have a nice way of doing your duty, seeing your patients once a week, and the others as you please, in order to shuffle through your work with the least trouble to yourself.' 'Pardon me, General. I try to do my work conscientiously, without any reference to personal trouble.' 'No, sir, I won't pardon you; but I'll make you do your duty as it ought to be done. Now mind, sir, I will not allow any convalescent list, and you see every one of your patients every day. Mind that, sir.' 'Very good, General, but where am I to see them? The hospital will not hold more than 130.' 'Don't attempt to make idle objections, sir; it's your business to find a place to put your patients in. Indent on the commissariat for hospital tents. Ask the cantonment Adjutant for help; he can, I dare say, find some unoccupied building, or can obtain the use of tents. What do you say, Adjutant?' 'It was formerly, General, the practice to use tents for this sick-depôt, but when the hospital was built this practice was ordered to be discontinued, as the outlay for the purchase and wear and tear of tents was very considerable.' 'And pray, Adjutant,' said the General, looking disgusted, 'why did you not tell me that before?' 'This is the first opportunity I've had to tell it, General.' 'Well, however it is managed I will allow no convalescent list. You, sir,' turning to the Doctor, 'do you hear that?' 'I hear, General.' 'And mind you obey it, or it will be worse for you.' The Doctor bowed, but made no reply.
The General then departed with Colonel H. The cantonment Adjutant lingered behind to whisper to the Doctor: 'Don't be uneasy; you'll see this will be only a flash in the pan. The good folks at headquarters won't sanction the extra expenditure that this impracticable old gentleman wishes to lead them into. He wants to make the regulations for effective men applicable to a sick-depôt, and you'll see he'll be overruled. Good-bye.'