Our trip to Blunderland

by J. H. A. Macdonald

The reading began; and the teacher, probably from fear, made every now and then some trifling blunder. Whenever this occurred, the whole class rushed on him and belaboured him with the knotted handkerchiefs. Our heroes were at first afraid he would be seriously hurt; but as, being a Board teacher, he paid no more attention to the blows than if he had been made of wood, they soon began rather to enjoy the scene. The history lesson was as follows:—

FOOLISH FEEDING.

COMMON-COUNCIL SCREWS.

“Hannibal, at the head of the invincible Roman legions, which had just got their rout,[5] marched on Poke Stogis. His infantry was augmented by an Amazon corps from the new British Woman’s Rights League, the special feature of which was, that it allowed talking in the ranks, and, indeed, used gossip and scandal as potent means of defeating its foes. The cavalry, who were greatly improved in musketry since one General Shoot had got the command, were mounted on highly-mettled steeds, cast by the Board of Ordnance, and splendidly broken, especially about the knees. On nearing Poke Stogis, Hannibal was met by General Wattyler, who commanded the king’s troops. Hannibal, true to the traditions of the house of Hapsburg, rode in a Magna Carta—a war-chariot invented by King John when his subjects were taking liberties—while the General bestrode a 50-inch bicycle that had been presented to him by Ptolemy on the occasion of the opening of the Fiji water-works, at which the General, who was a freemason, had, in Scotch parlance, proved himself a very wat tyler indeed. The inhabitants of Poke Stogis, as is usual in tropical countries, regaled the troops on both sides with gooseberry-fool, after which the battle commenced in a field, and in earnest. After two hours’ hard fighting, during which splendid reinforcements arrived in Hansom cabs from Connecticut and Pondicherry, and after tossing up a halfpenny to decide which army they should join, went half to one side and half to the other, an adjournment took place for luncheon, and another repast of sponge-cakes and ginger-beer was provided by the energy of the Major and Common Council of Poke Stogis, who, with that true nobility which is the best evidence of genuine rank, drew the corks with their own hands. These additional draughts added greatly to the strength of both sides, and comforted the combatants much, as they knew that those of them who might fall in the battle had their bier already provided for them. Before resuming hostilities, each commander addressed his troops in a few soul-stirring words. But small fragments of these celebrated speeches have been handed down to the present day; yet these are so valuable, that it is thought well here to reproduce them. Their noble sentiment and stirring patriotism may well cause them to be engraven upon the hearts of the rising generation. Lest any words unworthy of the rest should be inserted, it is thought preferable to leave blanks where the actual expressions are not known. Hannibal said—

PRAVE ’ORDS.

... on this occasion, it is with ... indeed, I may say ... ten thousand ... indeed, less and less ... may I not say ... words would fail me ... brave soldiers of the ... enemy ... victory is ... nay was ... perhaps may be ... disgrace ... shall add no more....

“If these disjointed fragments convey so much, well might it be asked, What may not the rest have been? The reader must answer this for himself. Of General Wattyler’s speech still less has been preserved. In fact, but for forty-nine h’s, which the pious affection of the citizens of Poke Stogis collected, and preserved in carbolic acid, history would be a blank regarding it. All honour to the men who spared no labour to preserve to a grateful posterity these valuable records of a warrior and a hero. When the memory of thousands of greater places is lost in futurity, the glory Poke Stogis has haitchieved in handing down to us the droppings of a great warrior’s lips will be blazoned on the scroll of fame.

WARM WORK.