1813.—After adverting to a number of painful circumstances, she adds:—"Praise God, the seizure of my own body, though by far the most painful of these occurrences, has been the greatest blessing. On the first attack I was stupified—but the Lord liberated me and supplied grace in the hour of need. Thus have I experienced how suddenly the Lord can take away the choicest of all blessings, health. Being through mercy again restored, my soul derives its happiness from God. I see before me broad rivers and streams springing from that fountain, whence all solid comfort flows; but great weakness, much unfaithfulness, many omissions and errors in myself. Lord increase my faith, that I may enter the holiest by the blood of Jesus. For some time I have met in band with Mrs. W. We have had many precious seasons together.—A circumstance occurring which was misconstrued, put me suddenly out of temper, and caused me much pain of mind, besides displeasing others together with my dear partner. O my God, but for Thy blood, I should lose all hope of eternal happiness; yet blot not, I beseech Thee, my name out of the book of life; but if ever my heart went with my words, I entreat Thee,—
"Chase this self-will through all my heart,
Through all its latent mazes there."
"1814.—Reflecting on the past—my mercies and ingratitude, my warnings and neglect, my privileges and non-improvements, my affliction and restoration to health, Thy love, O God, in ten thousand instances, and my small affection, I wonder why I am still the object of Thy care, but I see the cause in Jesus' blood. There the reason lies. O might I here my nature lose, and gain the Infinite."
Musing on the loss of her children, three of whom had died in infancy, she writes:—
Blest mother! thus to yield to God
The gifts so lately given;
Blest babes I for you have cross'd the flood,
And safely 'scaped to heaven.
I have been very much harassed with temptation of an awful kind,—to blaspheme the blessed Spirit. My God, preserve me. I shudder at the thought, and have necessarily been driven to God in prayer.—I have to praise God for temptation; for seeking refuge in Jesus, my only defence against my enemy, I have a firmer confidence in Him as my Saviour.
Whither, O whither, should I go?
To Thy blest wounds I flee;
No refuge can I find below,
My help is all in Thee.
"The illumination! a crowded city! many devices! The face of the people seems to speak peace, but Thou, Lord, seest the heart. Set my heart right.—As the clock struck three I was awoke with the words; 'Put on the helmet of salvation and the weapon of all prayer.' For a time fear crept over me, lest my husband and child, both from home, should return ill; but as I meditated, the passage occurred; 'All things work together for good to them that love God.' I was instantly delivered; and all I could titter was, Glory be to God. As I lay praising and praying, these lines arose in my mind.
If time is so precious, and death on the wing,
Oh! shelter me, Jesus, secure from his sting;
Now open the fountain, and wash out my stain,
That to live may be Christ, and to die may be gain.
This, this is the honour to which I aspire,
The grace to attain it is all I desire;
Oh! fill me with heaven, through faith in Thy blood,
Then crown me with glory, and lift me to God.
I have had a precious morning—arose a little before five, and spent an hour alone. God was with me. Glory! Glory!"