(He smacks the LORD MAYOR’S face with princely elegance. The LORD MAYOR takes it as a favour, and the courtiers gently smack each other’s faces and are very proud to be there. The PRINCE moves languidly down the line of beauties considering their points, occasionally nodding approval but more often screwing up his nose. The courtiers stand ready with nods or noses. Several ladies think they have been chosen, but he has only brought them into prominence to humiliate them; he suddenly says ‘Good-bye,’ and they have to go, while he is convulsed with merriment. He looks sharply at the courtiers to see if they are convulsed also, and they are. The others are flung out.)
QUEEN (hanging on to her strap). Does our Royal one experience no palpitation at all?
PRINCE (sleepily). Ah me, ah me!
LORD TIMES (irritated). You’re well called ’Ard-to-Please. You would turn up your nose at a lady though she were shaped like Apollo’s bow.
(The PRINCE shrugs his shoulder to indicate that love cannot be forced.)
LORD MAYOR (darkly). And now we come to the severer test.
(With a neat action, rather like taking a lid off a pot, the LORD MAYOR lets it be known to the ladies that they must now lift their skirts to show their feet. When this devastating test is concluded, there are only two competitors left in the room.)
LORD TIMES (almost as if he were thinking of himself). Can’t have Two.
(Cards such as CINDERELLA saw at the horse show, with ‘1st,’ ‘2nd,’ and ‘3rd’ on them, are handed to the PRINCE. Like one well used to such proceedings, he pins 2nd and 3rd into the ladies’ bodices.)
QUEEN (gloomily). But still no first.