"As an additional protection to the revenue, I would suggest that a revenue cutter be stationed at Bear Harbor, modeled after the fashion of a large wash-tub, which would be but a slight improvement upon the sailing capacity of the three cutters now stationed on the Pacific coast. The masts might be constructed out of large tin dippers inverted, in the bowls of which marines could be stationed to keep a look-out for smugglers. Spare blankets would answer for the sails, and a large carving-knife run out at the stern would serve admirably to steer by. In order that there might be no danger of missing the way during dark nights from any variation in the compass, it would be well, perhaps, to abandon the compass altogether, and send a boat ahead with a light, to point out where the rocks and smugglers might be found. There being no vessels to catch at Bear Harbor, no inconvenience would result from the fact that such a cutter would be as well calculated to lie at anchor as the cutter Marcy at San Francisco, which has been known to pursue several vessels for infractions of the revenue laws, but never to catch any of them. I attribute this not to any want of zeal on the part of the officers, but partly to the superior speed of the runaway vessels, and partly to the fact that the Marcy is obliged to lie at anchor for six months in the year in the Bay of San Francisco for want of other occupation. The remaining six months she necessarily spends in the Straits of Carquinas, near Benicia, in order to get rid of the barnacles that accumulate on her bottom during the term of her sedentary career below.
"If exception should be taken to this precedent on the ground that a revenue cutter may sometimes really be wanted at a port of entry where there is some commerce, surely none will be taken to the cutter Lane, stationed within the mouth of the Columbia River. For the officers of this cutter I entertain the most sincere respect; but if she has ever been known to chase any thing larger than wild ducks, the fact must have been hushed up from motives of public policy. It has certainly not been a matter of general comment. About one vessel with dutiable merchandise enters the Columbia in the course of half a dozen years, and certainly all sailing vessels have difficulty enough in getting in, without attempting to run away after they come to an anchor. Indeed, I don't know where they would run to unless it might be over the Cascades, and through the Dalles to Walla Walla, or up to Oregon City on the Willamette River, where the flour-mills of Abernethy & Co. would soon grind them to pieces. To suppose that they would undertake to run away before they get over the bar is to suppose that they might just as well stay away altogether, and thereby avoid the risk of shipwreck in addition to the remote possibility of being captured by a revenue cutter. The officers condemned to this station have my most ardent sympathies. It generally rains at Astoria between two and three hundred days every year, the consequence of which is, that the whole country and every thing in it has a mildewed appearance. Already I can fancy that barnacles are growing on the beards of these gentlemen; that their skin is becoming slippery and green; their eyes sharkish in expression, from a constant habit of looking out for smugglers that never can be within five hundred miles; that the habit of pulling ashore in the boats and back again; 'making it so' when four and eight bells are announced; looking up at the mast-head and then down again; going below and reading the same old newspaper, and coming up again; turning in and taking a nap, and turning out when the nap is ended; exercising their quadrants by an occasional peep at the heavenly bodies; eating three scanty and melancholy meals a day; doing all this and never doing any thing else, unless it may be to superintend the patching of an old sail which has rotted to pieces, or the splicing of an old rope to keep the blocks from falling down on their heads, will eventually so wear upon their mental and physical resources as to drive them all mad. Should it ever be the misfortune of any suspicious character to fall into the hands of these gentlemen, I have no doubt he will have reason to regret it during the brief period of his existence; for they will certainly cut him to pieces with their swords, or blow him to fragments out of one of the public guns, on the general principle that, being paid for doing something, they ought to do it as soon as possible.
"The revenue cutter at Puget's Sound, familiarly known as the 'Jeff Davis,' finds occasional occupation in chasing porpoises and wild Indians. It is to be regretted that but little revenue has yet been derived from either of these sources; but should she persist in her efforts, there is hope that at no distant day she may overhaul a canoe containing a keg of British brandy—that is to say, in case the paddles are lost, and the Indians have no means of propelling it out of the way.
"These vessels, in addition to their original cost, which was not cheap considering their quality and sailing capacity, require an expenditure of some forty or fifty thousand dollars a year for repairs, rigging, pay of officers and men, subsistence, etc., as also for powder to enable the officers to kill ducks and salute distinguished people that visit these remote regions. Now and then they run on the rocks in trying to find their way from one anchorage to another, in which event they require extra repairs. As this is for the benefit of navigation, it should not be included in the account. They generally avoid running on the same rock, and endeavor to find out a new one not laid down upon the charts—unless, perhaps, by some reckless fly—in order that other vessels may enjoy the advantage of additional experience. The beauty of Bear Harbor in this respect is, that a revenue cutter could run on a new rock every day in the year, so that, by designating its exact location on the chart, there would be three hundred and sixty-five rocks per annum to be avoided by vessels entering the harbor.
"Some military protection would probably be required there for several years to come, in order to protect the citizens from the attacks of grizzly bears. I would suggest that a post be established on some eligible point, and comfortable quarters erected for the officers and soldiers. While these quarters are in progress of erection, it might be well to station a large rooster in the top of a neighboring tree to give warning of the approach of the enemy. As Rome was saved in one way, so might Bear Harbor be saved in another. Should it become necessary to abandon them, the citizens will no doubt be willing to purchase them at public auction.
"I do not know what the military quarters at Fort Miller are going to do, but the last time I saw them they looked very sorry they had ever been built. The same may be said of the quarters at Benicia, Fort Tejon, and San Diego, which goes to prove the transitory character of military operations. So long as our army goes about the country dropping down beautiful little cities, we in the line of civil life can certainly have no objection. As expense is no object, perhaps, to the War Department, I would suggest that there is a very rugged point of rocks near the entrance of Bear Harbor, upon which a friend of mine has located a claim that he is willing to sell for military purposes for the sum of one hundred and fifty thousand dollars. It commands a fine view of the ocean, and abounds in mussels and albicores; besides which, it is cheaper and uglier than Lime Point at the entrance of the Golden Gate, and would not require near so much writing to make the purchase satisfactory to the public.
"For a few years, during the infancy of the community, it may be necessary for some enterprising citizen to borrow from government one hundred thousand dollars at six per cent. per annum, in consequence of the high rates of interest in California. There will be no difficulty in doing this, I apprehend, if he have influence at court. A precedent may be found in the case of the Folsom estate, against which judgment had been obtained, and an execution placed in the hands of the marshal. Private parties found it to their advantage to step in, purchase a portion of the property, pay a portion of the debt, and, upon giving satisfactory security, assume the remainder, amounting to a hundred thousand dollars, at six per cent. It may be a little irregular to favor particular parties in this way, but then public money had better be bringing six per cent. than lying idle in the treasury; and besides, when it is found necessary to issue treasury notes in order to carry on the government, they bring a premium, and there is a gain to that extent over the ready cash. If all the public money was loaned out at six per cent., and all the private money that might be necessary borrowed at five, of course the financial condition of the treasury would be one per cent. better per annum.
"After these things were done, and the business of Bear Harbor placed upon a permanent footing, private instructions might be issued to the collector of customs to go out and stump the state in behalf of the great principles of national economy. Experience would enable him to stand firmly upon the broad platform of public integrity; and when he addressed the multitude, he could dwell feelingly on the sublime doctrine of earlier days—'Millions for defense, but not a cent for tribute!' He could put his hand upon his brow, and solemnly declare that, so long as he was gifted with the light of intellect to comprehend the sound doctrines of public policy bequeathed to us by our forefathers, he would stand by the laws and the Constitution. He could put his hand upon his heart, and call upon the people to witness that he, for one, had ever remained true to first principles. He could put his hand upon his stomach, and avow, from the bottom of his soul, that he conscientiously indorsed the measures of the prevailing party. He could put his hand upon his pocket, and affirm in all sincerity that he went heart and hand with the reigning powers on all the great questions of the day. And, having fully delivered himself on these various points, he could wind up with an anecdote from the Schildburghers. When the wise men of Schilda undertook to build their grand council-house, they carried down on their backs from the top of a high hill a large number of heavy logs. In moving the last log, it fell out of their hands and rolled to the bottom of the hill. 'Don't you see,' said the town fool, 'if you had started them all in the same way, they would have rolled down of their own accord?' which they admitted was true, and accordingly carried all the logs up to the top of the hill again, and then rolled them down. So, if the people don't like this party, they can roll in another just as good.
Your obedient servant, etc."
In my next chapter of experiences I propose giving a succinct account of the great Port Townsend Controversy. This cost me more trouble than all my other experiences together, and came very near costing me my life.