[She throws the blouse, hat, and gaiters, into the clothes-basket and carries all into the chamber, R.
Wid. (Entering, L., and shouting through speaking-trumpet.) Now, young fell—low, I sa—a—ay! Hey, he’s gone and the coast’s clear! (Sees supper-tray.) Oh! What! They’ve sent the supper from the tavern. I quite forgot it. Dear me, this dreadful affair has so upset me and given me such a turn that I doubt I’ll never come straight again. What will Ma’amselle Cheri Bounce think of me? I dare say she’s been here and gone? Everybody’s gone but my interesting victim. Ah, she’s still there, standing, with all her imperfections, on her head in the water-butt! Well, I suppose everyone has his lot, but mine’s a lot I don’t know how to dispose of. I must remove the body from the establishment at all events, and I’ll do it now, while the house is still. (Goes to folding-doors and puts key in the lock.) I haven’t strength to open the door with them green boots kicking at my conscience! Courage, Widgetts—courage! Be a man—though you are but a tailor. Stay! I’ll take a thimbleful of brandy first. (Takes bottle from table and pours out a glass, which he drinks.) Ah, that’s a reviver. (Drinks and comes down.) Betts has raised the standard of British spirit in my heart. (Drinks.) Well, we all want comfort in this miserable world. (Drinks.) There’s poor Mary White gone on a weeping and wailing voyage to that bourne from whence no traveller gets a return ticket. (Mary laughs in room, R.) Ah, what’s that? A laugh. It had a hollow and inhuman sound. Could it be she? (Points to folding-doors.) Mary—a—a—a—how do I know—she may have been turned into something horrible. The fiend of the water butt, perhaps. She may come to me at night—she said she would. Oh, Lord! The idea of the ghost of a damp laundress at your back. (Shudders.) W—h—h—h—hew! (Mary laughs.) There, it is again, that demoniac laugh. I wish I could peep into the kitchen! But I daren’t, lest I should see her glaring at me with one eye through the bung-hole of the water-butt. Bless me, how my knees keep giving double knocks upon each other. (Mary sings in room.) Ah, surely that’s singing! (Listens.) Ghosts haven’t got a singing license. Hark! ’Tis somebody committing vocal violence in my bedroom. (Goes to door of bed-chamber, R., and looks in.) Hey, there’s a young fellow making himself quite at home in my establishment. I am not aware I ever saw him before. What had I better do? Go in and ask him what he wants? No; that might be dangerous. ’Twill be safer in my present peculiar position to appear as a stranger. Let me see. I have it—capital idea—the waiter from the tavern with the supper—I think I could do a waiter. It’s only, “Coming, sir, in one minute—coming; two brandies and water, coming, sir.” (He ties one of the supper napkins round his neck for a white cravat, changes his coat for an old black one that hangs on the back of a chair, while doing so he looks into the room now and again.) There goes my Macassar oil and my Circassian cream. There, my eau de cologne too, that cost me half-a-guinea a bottle. An impudent rascal! D——n me, if he’s not rummaging my drawers! That’s free and easy at all events. Come, I think I’m pretty well disguised now. (Looks at himself in the cheval-glass.) No; confound it, this face of mine will never do—it might be known. I want a pair of whiskers to hide it. Ecod, I’ve hit it again. This chair—(takes knife from table and cuts open the stuffed seat of the chair)—there’s enough hair in it to whisker a regiment of Turks.
(Pulls a handful of the hair out of the chair-seat, goes to the chimney-glass and arranges it round his chin so as to look like a pair of large whiskers.)
Enter from room, R., MARY WHITE, still dressed as a young man, and drying her hands with a towel.
Mary. (Aside and laughing.) Heavens, what a figure.
Wid. Hem! A——I beg your pardon—but you seem—a—eh——
Mary. Exactly. And who are you?
Wid. Me—I—a—ah—I’m—a—the waiter—from the tavern.
Mary. Perhaps, then, you can tell me where I can find Mr. Widgetts?
Wid. Not exactly. You’ve particular business with him?