"I am on government business," I replied in a suitable tone of grave mystery.
"Damn it, Mr Wilson," exclaimed my friend with surprising energy, "every one in the country seems to be on government business nowadays—except myself! And I've got to pay their salaries! We're asked in the catechism what's our business in this weary world, and damn it, I can answer that conundrum now! It's just to pay government officials their wages, and build a dozen or two new Dreadnoughts, and send six million peaceable men into the army, and fill a pile of shells with trinitrol-globule-paralysis, or whatever they call the stuff, and all this on the rental of an estate which was just keeping me comfortably in tobacco before this infernal murdering business began! Do you know what I'd do with that Kaiser if I caught him?"
I looked as interested as possible, and begged for information.
"I'd give him my wife and my income, and see how he liked the mess he's landed me in!"
Though Mr Craigie had spoken with considerable vehemence, he had not looked at all fierce, and now his not usually very intellectual face began to assume a thoughtful expression.
"He's an awful fool, yon man!" he observed.
"Which man?" I inquired.
"Billy," said he, and with a gasp I recognised my Emperor in this brief epithet. "It's just astounding to me how he never learns that hot coals will burn his fingers, and water won't run uphill! He's always trying the silliest things."
His eyes suddenly began to twinkle again, and he asked abruptly—
"Why's the Kaiser like my boots?"