This was a matter of assault and battery, originating in roast lamb and cauliflower, carried on by means of a misfitting toilinet waistcoat, and ending in battle and bloodshed.
PETTICOAT GOVERNMENT.
Mr. Ellerbach, the defendant, a tailor (by trade), small in person and fashionably attired, with his dexter arm gracefully suspended in a black silk sling, was brought up by the nocturnals of St. Martin's watch-house, and placed before the bench. Whereupon Mr. Arundel, the complainant, "a good portly man, and corpulent; of a cheerful look, a pleasing eye, and a most noble carriage," being first duly sworn, deposed, that he was the proprietor of an eating house (commonly called a slap-bang shop); and that the defendant, Mr. Ellerbach, being indebted to him for sundry plates of roast lamb and cauliflower, he, the complainant, expressed a strong desire to have the said plates of roast lamb and cauliflower paid for without delay; inasmuch as he was fully aware that when a good dinner had answered the purpose for which it was taken, it was speedily forgotten, especially when taken on tick. He, therefore, as aforesaid, expressed a strong desire to be paid; which so incensed Mr. Ellerbach, that he came into his shop, as he, the complainant, was standing in the midst of his men, and, after having kicked up a great dust, threatened to beat the whole lot. Complainant having no inclination to be beaten, ordered him to depart in peace, and pay for the lamb and cauliflower when convenient. But the defendant's voice was still for war; he d——d the lamb and cauliflower, "vain-gloriously;" and when one of complainant's cooks went towards him, with the kind intention of pursuading him to be quiet, he took up his fist and struck the unoffending cook right on the mouth. The blood gushed forth in a torrent; and, whilst poor cookey was looking for his teeth, complainant called in the watch, and defendant was conveyed to durance.
Mr. Ellerbach entered upon his reply in a mild tone of impassioned eloquence; he admitted having eaten the lamb and cauliflower, and also that he took it on tick—not because he lacked the means of paying for it, even to the uttermost farthing;—but because he had a counter-claim upon the complainant for making him a toilinet waistcoat, which he, the complainant, alleged was a misfit, and therefore disputed the payment. Things were in this state, when he, the defendant, sent to complainant's shop for some cold roast beef and pickled cabbage, intending to eat it for his supper, and, to his immense amazement, the messenger returned, stating that complainant not only refused to send it, but had actually threatened to make pickled cabbage of him (the defendant), unless he immediately paid for the lamb and cauliflower. This allusion to cabbage he very naturally took as a reflection—a vulgar reflection upon his profession as a tailor, and he, therefore, went to his shop in person, to know what he meant by pickling him. But he had scarcely entered the doors, when he found complainant and his surbordinate cooks all up in arms against him. Complainant called him a scoundrel, and ordered him to depart, without giving him time to demand the explanation he came for; and whilst he was endeavouring to obtain a hearing, one of the cooks made "a contemptuous and rather indecent sort of noise with his mouth;" which so exasperated him, that he certainly did strike the offending cook upon the offending organ; and in so doing he thought himself fully justified. In conclusion, he said, though the cook might have lost a little blood by the blow, and even, perhaps, an odd tooth or so, yet he, himself, at the same time knocked the skin off his own knuckles against cookey's teeth, and strained his thumb so, that he was obliged to carry it in a sling; and therefore he submitted that the assault account ought to be considered as balanced.
The magistrate, however, was of a different opinion, and ordered him to find bail for his appearance to answer it at the sessions.
Thus, though the cook failed to pickle the tailor, the tailor contrived to place himself in pickle—and in such a pickle as probably cured him of his pugnacious propensities.