UNREQUITED LOVE.
Mr. Peter Twig—a venerable, rosy-gilled Greenwich pensioner, was charged with having created a great riot and disturbance in and about the attic residence of Mrs. Margaret Muggins; and with having threatened to beat the said Margaret Muggins to a mummy, under pretence of being in love with her.
It appeared that Mrs. Muggins—having lost her husband, and being short of money and one leg, was some time an inmate of the parish workhouse; and there she was first seen by Mr. Peter Twig, who no sooner saw her than he felt he was a lost old man, unless he could make Mrs. Muggins his own. He therefore determined to get himself admitted an inmate of the workhouse—for even the walls of a workhouse cannot hold love out; "and what love can do, that dare love attempt." He succeeded in getting into the house, and he succeeded in getting into the good graces of Mrs. Muggins. He told her of the battles in which he had fought—all on the roaring sea: he spoke to her of land perils, and water perils; of fire, and smoke, and grape-shot, and the miseries of six-water grog; and he expatiated on the splinter that knocked off a piece of his nose; and Mrs. Muggins was moved. "She loved him for the dangers he had seen, and he loved her"—because, as he said, he couldn't help it. So they eloped together from the workhouse, and took shelter in a three-pair back,[25] and there they fostered their venerable loves with gin and jugg'd jemmies[26] for three entire weeks. But, before the end of the fourth week, Peter's pension-money, and Mrs. Muggins's love, were all exhausted, and in spite of his tears and entreaties she left him, and went to reside with her married daughter. Poor Peter was inconsolable. He tried to drown his sorrows in max-upon-tick,[27] but it would not do; for his credit was little, and his sorrows were large, and at length he resolved to move Mrs. Muggins to pity him by casting himself at her foot. But Mrs. Muggins had a heart as hard as any rock, and she would not see him; and he laid himself down at the threshold of her apartment, and wished the door at the devil! So he—
"Built him a willow cabin at her gate,
And called upon his love within the house—
Making the babbling gossip of the air
Cry out—Meg Muggins!"
And all this gave great offence, not only to Mrs. Muggins and her daughter, but to all the gossips of the neighbourhood; and they insisted upon his bundling himself off, and he would not. Then they attempted to bundle him off themselves, and then he flew into a great rage, and swore he would beat Mrs. Muggins to a mummy and mollify her heart with his fistes, since he could not soften it with sighs; and then they gave him into custody of a constable for fear he should do so.
These things having been detailed to the magistrate by the daughter and neighbours of Mrs. Muggins—for Mrs. Muggins herself was too much alarmed to appear—his worship asked the forlorn old swain what he had to say to it.
"Your honour," replied Peter, "I have been desperately ill-used. She—she knows she has ill-used me: and yet I can't forget she, for the life of me! When a man's in love, your honour, it's of no use talking to him! They may punch me and knock me about, but they can't knock the love out of me; and your honour may send me to quod, but quod won't cure me. What is it I would not do for she?—(Mrs. Muggins, he would have said, but Mrs. Muggins stuck in his—gizzard). What is it I wouldn't do for she? And yet you see how she uses me. Your honour, I've served my king and country many a long year, and have seen hard service in all parts of the world, and have seen many places took by storm, and it's desperate hard to be used a thisns after all!"
His worship admitted that it was very hard; but as it was evident the lady was determined not to yield, it behoved him to raise the siege and go into quiet quarters, for he certainly would not be allowed to take her by storm.
Peter declared he had no intention of taking her by storm; and said if she would only write him an answer to the letter he had shoved under her door, he would try to be content.