"Sold under you, you mean," said his worship—"If you sold in the parlour, and she sold in the cellar, she sold under you, of course."
"Aye, coarse enough, your worship, and a coarse piece of goods she is—look at her which way you will," rejoined Mrs. Welldone. Well versed as Mrs. Welldone was in mending the understandings of others, she herself, had not understanding enough to take this pun.
His worship decided that they had both been much to blame; and he ordered the warrant to be suspended in terrorem over Mrs. Welldone, and recommended Mrs. Wolf to seek other cellars as soon as possible.
MR. O'FLINN, AND HIS FRIEND'S MISTRESS.
Miss Susanna Smith, a very pretty young woman, attired in the newest fashion, was brought before the magistrate, on an assault warrant issued at the suit of one Mr. O'Flinn, a tall, well-dressed, sprightly native of the Emerald Isle, who had complained to his worship that he had been grievously assaulted by the said Susanna.
Mr. William O'Flinn, it seems, had a friend, who is the especial protector of the fair defendant. He went the other night, to deliver a letter to this friend, at the house in which Susanna resides. His friend was not at home, but he saw Susanna, and she—totally laying aside the delicacy of her sex, "and all the rest of it"—gave him one of the most scurvy receptions imaginable; viz., he was standing in the hall, inquiring at the landlady for his friend, when suddenly the parlour door opened, and out rushed Susanna with the velocity of a nine-pounder—"And pray what would you be after wanting with that gentleman?"—she asked, at the same time attempting to snatch the letter from Mr. O'Flinn's hand. "It isn't yourself that the letter is for at all, my jewel," replied Mr. O'Flinn, slipping the letter into his pocket—"and as for what I want with that gentleman, you have no right to be asking me the question." "'Faith, we'll see that," said the lady, and instantly placed her fair back against the front door, evidently with the intention of cutting off Mr. O'Flinn's retreat. Well, what was to be done now? It was growing late, and as Mr. O'Flinn very justly observed, if he was detained there he could not go elsewhere. So, after trying what remonstrance would do, and finding it had no effect whatever, he took hold of the fair hand of the lady and endeavoured to remove her from the door by a little gentle force; but, to his utter astonishment, she instantly disengaged her hand, and in the twinkling of an eye, as it were, he received two or three sound boxes on either ear, and a kick on the abdomen, which for some moments materially interfered with his faculty of breathing. Astonished that a lady should kick, but nothing daunted, he again advanced to the attack, or, Corinthianly speaking, to the scratch, taking care, this time, to advance in an attitude of defence—à-la-Spring. His caution was useless, however, for the lady broke through his guard in an instant, boxed his ears again soundly, or rather soundingly, and planted another kick on his bowel-case, with her dexterous little foot, in the self-same spot as before! This was an extremely awkward bit of business, and Mr. O'Flinn felt it so. He could not, consistently with his character as a gentleman, and an Irish gentleman in particular, use greater violence to a lady; and he might have gone on, as before, till he had not an ear left for her to box, or a pair of trowsers for her to kick. He, therefore, declined coming to the scratch again; and contented himself with calling upon the comely landlady of the dwelling, who all this while had been quietly holding the candle for them. He peremptorily told her commodious landladyship, that unless he was instantly suffered to go about his business, he would consider himself as detained by her connivance, and have his action against her for false imprisonment accordingly. This produced the desired effect—the landlady interfered, a parley ensued, and at last Mr. O'Flinn was liberated.
In support of this statement Mr. O'Flinn called the landlady aforesaid.
The landlady (an immense personage) declared she saw neither kicks nor slaps. Miss Susanna certainly put her back against the door to prevent Mr. O'Flinn from going, until she knew what he wanted with her friend; and a sort of scuffle took place in consequence; and that was all she knew about it.
Here Mr. O'Flinn lifted up his bands and eyes in astonishment; for, as he said, the landlady held the candle to them all the while, and could not avoid seeing every bit of it.