The Monikins

by James Fenimore Cooper

I shall pass over the parade of guards, the state bands, the sergeant-trumpeters, the crowd of footmen and pages, and conduct the reader at once to the ante-chamber. Here we found the usual throng composed of those who live in the smiles of princes. There was a great deal of politeness, much bowing and curtseying, and the customary amount of genteel empressement to be the first to bask in the sunshine of royalty. Judge People’s Friend, in his character of a foreign minister, was privileged; and we had enjoyed the private entree, and were now, of right, placed nearest to the great doors of the royal apartments. Most of the diplomatic corps were already in attendance, and, quite as a matter of course, there were a great many cordial manifestations, of the ardent attachment that bound them and their masters together, in the inviolable bonds of a most sacred amity. Judge People’s Friend, according to his own account of the matter, represented a great nation—a very great nation—and yet I did not perceive that he met with a warm—a very warm—reception. However, as he seemed satisfied with himself, and all around him, it would have been unkind, not to say rude, in a stranger to disturb his self-esteem; and I took especial care, therefore, not to betray, by the slightest hint, my opinion that a good many near his person seemed to think him and his artificial queue somewhat in the way. The courtiers of Leaphigh, in particular, who are an exceedingly exclusive and fastidious corps, appeared to regard the privileges of the judge with an evil eye; and one or two of them actually held their noses as he flourished his brush a little too near their sacred faces, as if they found its odor out of fashion. While making these silent observations, a page cried out from the lower part of the saloon, “Room for His Royal Highness the Crown Prince of Great Britain!” The crowd opened, and that young blackguard Bob walked up the avenue, in state. He wore the turnspit garment as the base of his toilet; but the superstructure was altogether more in keeping with the rascal’s assumed character. The union-jack was thrown over his shoulder in the fashion of a mantle, and it was supported by the cook and steward of the Walrus (two blacks), both clothed as alligators. The kangaroo’s tail was rigged in a way to excite audible evidences of envy in the heart of Mr. Poke. The stepping of it, the captain whispered, “did the young dog great credit, for it looked as natural as the best wig he had ever seen; and then, in addition to the bob-stay, it had two guys, which acted like the yoke-lines of a boat, or in such a way, that by holding one in each hand, the brush could be worked ‘starboard and larboard’ like a rudder.” I have taken this description mainly from the mouth of the captain, and most sincerely do I hope it may be intelligible to the reader.

Bob appeared to be conscious of his advantages; for, on reaching the upper end of the room, he began whisking his tail, and flourishing it to the right and left, so as to excite a very perceptible and lively admiration in the mind of Judge People’s Friend—an effect that so much the more proved the wearer’s address, for that high functionary was bound ex officio to entertain a sovereign contempt for all courtly vanities. I saw the eye of the captain kindle, however, and when the insolent young coxcomb actually had the temerity to turn his back on his master, and to work his brush under his very nose, human nature could endure no more. The right leg of my lord high admiral slowly retired, with somewhat of the caution of the cat about to spring, and then it was projected forward, with a rapidity that absolutely lifted the crown prince from the floor.

The royal self-possession of Bob could not prevent an exclamation of pain, as well as of surprise, and some of the courtiers ran forward involuntarily to aid him—for courtiers always ran involuntarily to the succor of princes. At least a dozen of the ladies offered their smelling-bottles, with the most amiable assiduity and concern. To prevent any disagreeable consequences, however, I hastened to acquaint the crowd that in Great Britain, it is the usage to cuff and kick the whole royal family; and that, in short, it is no more than the customary tribute of the subject to the prince. In proof of what I said, I took good care to give the saucy young scoundrel a touch of my own homage. The monikins, who know that different customs prevail in different nations, hastened to compliment the young scion of royalty in the same manner; and both the cook and steward relieved their ennui by falling into the track of imitation. Bob could not stand the last applications; and he was about to beat a retreat, when the master of ceremonies appeared, to conduct him to the royal presence.

The reader is not to be misled by the honors that were paid to the imaginary crown prince, and to suppose that the court of Leaphigh entertained any peculiar respect for that of Great Britain. It was merely done on the principle that governed the conduct of our own learned sovereign, King James I., when he refused to see the amiable Pocahontas of Virginia, because she had degraded royalty by intermarrying with a subject. The respect was paid to the caste, and not to the individual, to his species, or to his nation.

Let his privileges come from what cause they would, Bob was glad enough to get out of the presence of Captain Poke—who had already pretty plainly threatened, in the Stunin’tun dialect, to unship his cauda—into that of the majesty of Leaphigh. A few minutes afterwards, the doors were thrown open, and the whole company advanced into the royal apartments.

The etiquette of the court of Leaphigh differs in many essential particulars from the etiquette of any other court in the monikin region. Neither the king, nor his royal consort, is ever visible to any one in the country, so far as is vulgarly known. On the present occasion, two thrones were placed at opposite extremities of the salon, and a magnificent crimson damask curtain was so closely drawn before each, that it was quite impossible to see who occupied it. On the lowest step there stood a chamberlain or a lady of the bed-chamber, who, severally, made all the speeches, and otherwise enacted the parts of the illustrious couple. The reader will understand, therefore, that all which is here attributed to either of these great personages, was in fact performed by one or the other of the substitutes named, and that I never had the honor of actually standing face to face with their majesties. Everything that is now about to be related, in short, was actually done by deputy, on the part of the monarch and his wife.

The king himself merely represents a sentiment, all the power belonging to his eldest first cousin of the masculine gender, and any intercourse with him is entirely of a disinterested or of a sentimental character. He is the head of the church—after a very secular fashion, however;—all the bishops and clergy therefore got down on their knees and said their prayers; though the captain suggested that it might be their catechisms; I never knew which. I observed, also, that all his law officers did the same thing; but as THEY never pray, and do not know their catechisms, I presume the genuflections were to beg something better than the places they actually filled. After this, came a long train of military and naval officers, who, soldier-like, kissed his paw. The civilians next had a chance, and then it was our turn to be presented.

“I have the honor to present the lord high admiral of Great Britain to your majesty,” said Judge People’s Friend, who had waived his official privilege of going first, in order to do us this favor in person; it having been decided, on a review of all the principles that touched the case, that nothing human could take precedence of a monikin at court, always making the exception in favor of royalty, as in the case of Prince Bob.

“I am happy to see you at my court, Admiral Poke,” the king politely rejoined, manifesting the tact of high rank in recognizing Noah by his family name, to the great surprise of the old sealer.

“King!”