The Monikins

by James Fenimore Cooper

Before quitting this branch of his subject, the Doctor observed that, interesting as were these proofs of the accuracy of their histories, and of the great revolutions of inanimate nature, there was another topic connected with St. Helena, which, he felt certain, would excite a lively emotion in the breasts of all who heard him. At the period of his visit, the island had been selected as a prison for a great conqueror and disturber of his fellow-creatures; and public attention was much drawn to the spot by this circumstance, few men coming there who did not permit all their thoughts to be absorbed by the past acts and the present fortunes of the individual in question. As for himself, there was, of course, no great attraction in any events connected with mere human greatness, the little struggles and convulsions of the species containing no particular interest for a devotee of the monikin philosophy; but the manner in which all eyes were drawn in one direction, afforded him a liberty of action that he had eagerly improved, in a way that, he humbly trusted, would not be thought altogether unworthy of their approbation. While searching for minerals among the cliffs, his attention had been drawn to certain animals that are called monkeys, in the language of those regions; which, from very obvious affinities of a physical nature, there was some reason to believe might have had a common origin with the monikin species. The academy would at once see how desirable it was to learn all the interesting particulars of the habits, language, customs, marriages, funerals, religious opinions, traditions, state of learning, and general moral condition of this interesting people, with a view to ascertain whether they were merely one of those abortions, to which, it is known, nature is in the practice of giving birth, in the outward appearance of their own species, or whether, as several of their best writers had plausibly maintained, they were indeed a portion of those whom they had been in the habit of designating as the “lost monikins.” He had succeeded in getting access to a family of these beings, and in passing an entire day in their society. The result of his investigations was, that they were truly of the monikin family, retaining much of the ingenuity and many of the spiritual notions of their origin, but with their intellects sadly blunted, and perhaps their improvable qualities annihilated, by the concussion of the elements that had scattered them abroad upon the face of the earth, houseless, hopeless, regionless wanderers. The vicissitudes of climate, and a great alteration of habits, had certainly wrought some physical changes; but there still remained sufficient scientific identity to prove they were monikins. They even retained, in their traditions, some glimmerings of the awful catastrophe by which they were separated from the rest of their fellow-creatures; but these necessarily were vague and profitless. Having touched on several other points connected with these very extraordinary facts, the Doctor concluded by saying that he saw but one way in which this discovery could be turned to any practical advantage, beyond the confirmation it afforded of the truth of their own annals. He suggested the expediency of fitting out expeditions to go among these islands and seize upon a number of families, which, being transported into Leaphigh, might found a race of useful menials, who, while they would prove much less troublesome than those who possessed all the knowledge of monikins, would probably be found more intelligent and useful than any domestic animal which they at present owned. This happy application of the subject met with decided commendation. I observed that most of the elderly females put their heads together on the spot, and appeared to be congratulating each other on the prospect of being speedily relieved from their household cares.

Dr. Reasono next spoke of his departure from St. Helena, and of his finally landing in Portugal. Here, agreeably to his account, he engaged certain Savoyards to act as his couriers and guides during a tour he intended to make through Portugal, Spain, Switzerland, France, etc., etc., etc. I listened with admiration. Never before had I so lively a perception of the vast difference that is effected in our views of matters and things, by the agency of an active philosophy, as was now furnished by the narrative of the speaker. Instead of complaining of the treatment he had received, and of the degradations to which he and his companions had been subjected, he spoke of it all as so much prudent submission, on his part, to the customs of the countries in which he happened to find himself, and as the means of ascertaining a thousand important facts, both moral and physical, which he proposed to submit to the academy in a separate memoir another day. At present, he was admonished by the clock to conclude, and he would therefore hasten his narrative as much as possible.

The Doctor, with great ingenuousness, confessed that he could gladly have passed a year or two longer in those distant and highly interesting portions of the earth; but he could not forget that he had a duty to perform to the friends of two noble families. The Journey of Trial had been completed under the most favorable auspices, and the ladies naturally became anxious to return home. They had accordingly passed into Great Britain, a country remarkable for maritime enterprise, where he immediately commenced the necessary preparations for their sailing. A ship had been procured under the promise of allowing it to be freighted, free of custom-house charges, with the products of Leaphigh. A thousand applications had been made to him for permission to be of his party, the natives naturally enough wishing to see a civilized country; but prudence had admonished him to accept of those only who were the most likely to make themselves useful. The king of Great Britain, no mean prince in human estimation, had committed his only son and heir-apparent to his care, with a view to his improvement by travelling; and the lord high admiral himself had asked permission to take command of an expedition that was of so much importance to knowledge in general, and to his own profession in particular.

Here Dr. Reasono ascended our tribune and presented Bob to the academy as the Prince-Royal of Great Britain, and Captain Poke as her lord high admiral! He pointed out certain peculiarities about the former, the smut in particular, which had become pretty effectually incorporated with the skin, as so many signs of royal birth; and ordering the youngster to uncase, he drew forth the union-jack that the lad carefully kept about his nether part as a fender, and exhibited it as his armorial bearings—a modification of its uses that would not have been very far out of the way, had another limb been substituted for the agent. As for Captain Poke, he requested the academicians to study his nautical air in general, as furnishing sufficient proof of his pursuits, and of the ordinary appearance of human seamen.

Turning to me, I was then introduced to all present as the travelling governor and personal attendant of Bob, and as a very respectable person in my way. He added, that he believed, also, I had some pretension to be the discoverer of something that was called the social-stake system; which, he dared to say, was a very creditable discovery for one of my opportunities.

By this prompt substitution of employments, I found I had effectually changed places with the cabin-boy; who, instead of waiting on me, was, in future, to receive that trifling attention at my hands. The mates were presented as two rear-admirals at nurse, and the crew was said to be composed of so many post-captains in the navy of Great Britain. To conclude, the audience was given to understand that we were all brought to Leaphigh, like the minerals from St. Helena, as so many specimens of the human species!

I shall not deny that Dr. Reasono had taken a very different view of himself and his acts, as well as of me and my acts, from those I had all along entertained myself; and yet, on reflection, it is so common to consider ourselves in lights very different from those in which we are viewed by others that I could not, on the whole, complain as much of his representations as I had at first thought it might become me to do. At all events, I was completely spared the necessity of blushing for my generosity and disinterestedness, and in other respects was saved the pain of viewing any part of my own conduct under a consciousness of its attracting attention by its singularity on the score of merit. I must say, nevertheless, that I was both surprised and a little indignant; but the sudden and unexpected turn that had been given to the whole affair, threw me so completely off my centre, that for the life of me, I could not say a word in my own behalf. To make the matter worse, that monkey Chatterino nodded to me kindly, as if he would show the spectators that, on the whole, he thought me a very good sort of fellow!

After the lecture was over, the audience approached to examine us, taking a great many amiable liberties with our persons, and otherwise showing that we were deemed curiosities worthy of their study. The king’s cousin, too, was not neglectful of us, but he had it announced to the assembly that we were entirely welcome to Leaphigh; and that, out of respect to Dr. Reasono, we were all promoted to the dignity of “honorary monikins,” for the entire period of our stay in the country. He also caused it to be proclaimed that, if the boys annoyed us in the streets, they should have their tails curled with birch curling-irons. As for the Doctor himself, it was proclaimed that, in addition to his former title of F. U. D. G. E., he was now perferred* to be even M. O. R. E., and that he was also raised to the dignity of an H. O. A. X., the very highest honor to which any savant of Leaphigh could attain. [*sic]

At length curiosity was appeased, and we we’re permitted to descend from the tribune; the company ceasing to attend to us, in order to pay attention to each other. As I had time now to recollect myself, I did not lose a moment in taking the two mates aside, to present a proposition that we should go, in a body, before a notary, and enter a protest against the unaccountable errors into which Dr. Reasono had permitted himself to fall, whereby the truth was violated, the rights of persons invaded, humanity dishonored, and the Leaphigh philosophy misled. I cannot say that my arguments were well received; and I was compelled to quit the two rear-admirals, and to go in quest of the crew, with the conviction that the former had been purchased. An appeal to the reckless, frank, loyal natures of the common seamen, I thought, would not fail to meet with better success. Here, too, I was fated to encounter disappointment. The men swore a few hearty oaths, and affirmed that Leaphigh was a good country. They expected pay and rations, as a matter of course, in proportion to their new rank; and having tasted the sweets of command, they were not yet prepared to quarrel with their good fortune, and to lay aside the silver tankard for the tar-pot.

Quitting the rascals, whose heads really appeared to be turned by their unexpected elevation, I determined to hunt up Bob, and by dint of Mr. Poke’s ordinary application, compel him, at least, in despite of the union-jack, to return to a sense of his duty, and to reassume his old post as the servitor of my wants. I found the little blackguard in the midst of a bevy of monikinas of all ages, who were lavishing their attentions on his worthless person, and otherwise doing all they could to eradicate everything like humility, or any good quality that might happen to remain in him. He certainly gave me a fair opportunity to commence the attack, for he wore the union-jack over his shoulder, in the manner of a royal mantle, while the females of inferior rank pressed about him to kiss its hem! The air with which he received this adulation, fairly imposed on even me; and fearful that the monikinas might mob me, should I attempt to undeceive them—for monikinas, let them be of what species they may, always hug a delusion—I abandoned my hostile intentions for the moment, and hurried after Mr. Poke, little doubting my ability of bringing one of his natural rectitude of mind to a right way of thinking.