Then he wanted us to have a drink of his own private concoction, a bottle of which he produced from his pocket. The Captain had to drink with him. Once more. Again. Clark was acting rather dizzy on his feet, but he managed to inquire, “My God, Ben, what is that—liquid dynamite?”
“Tha’s a Devil’s Dream,” Ben informed us. “In- vented by your own true an reliable frien’, Benny Garlotz, now making his last personal appearance in this city.... Captain, that stuff’s got everything in it that can be put in bottles, and two drinks of it makes ya a bona fide life member of the Anti-Saloon League!... It’s got a kick like a Mack truck and is guaranteed to make twins turn into quadruplets before yer eyes. Three drinks of it will make a buck private a General, and four drinks has been known to make a ninety-year-old woman have a litter o’ pups!... Step up, folks—roll up, tumble up, any way to get yer money up!... Money back guarantee goes with every bottle! Good for coughs, colds, burns, chills, fever, fallen arches, floatin’ kidneys, exhaust troubles of all kinds. One of the finest lubricants your transmission will ever have! The best oil in God’s world for petcocks, game cocks, haycocks, and all kinds of diseases, by jeeses, by jeeses!... It’s stronger’n garlic, onions, dead fish, or a decayed soldier! Used by the natives in South America to make reptiles eat their tails.... Good for anything, folks! God’s gift to man! Cures fits an’ kills cockroaches! Five drinks’ll make a mademoiselle rape her grandfather!... I’ve used it for years, and to it, ladies and gentlemen, I attribute my virility and fertility! Babies cry for it! Virgins die for it! Women lie for it!... And all for the small cost of one small nickel, half a dime, fifth of a quarter.... Hey, you guys, where the hell ya runnin’ off to?”
“For God’s sake, Ben, you’ll get us all pinched!” I told him, when he caught up with us.
“All right,” he agreed. “I’m drunk and proud of it! You’re drunk an’ ashamed of it! Captain’s drunk an’ don’t know whether he’s shamed or not!... Les go home while we can still get there!”
And he linked arms with us and started away. I gave up. What was the use of fighting a man like that? Besides, Clark was obviously too drunk to even think about getting married. A fine man to marry—couldn’t even stay sober on his wedding night! Ben began to sing:
“Sacré nom de nom de nom,
La mademoiselle she wouldn’t come,
He offered her francs, he offered her rum,
But the damned little fool she wouldn’t come!
Her grandmère cried ‘O nom de nom!’