God, but I hated to see Clark go! I’d be all alone in this man’s army after he left. C’est la guerre, I guess.
—4—
At the end of January I received some letters from home which told me that Leon had his discharge and was hanging around New York trying to figure out some way of getting back over. He couldn’t get a passport under his own name, because I was using it, and he couldn’t get one under his alias, because he couldn’t show any birth record. I thought that in a pinch he could dress in my clothes and get one in my name—but after the wear and tear of army life he wouldn’t make a very good looking girl, and it would have to be an extremity to make him do it. But what could be done about it? It would certainly be a shame to get this far with the impersonation and get caught—and in a delousing plant, at that! Would be like winning medals and then dying of the measles, as Ben said. Well, I’d got his address in New York and had got to tell him to do something pretty soon, because I couldn’t stay over there forever! I was getting sick of it all. I didn’t have any fun or excitement like I used to have with Ben. I never realized before what an awful difference a friend’s presence or absence could make in anyone’s daily life. The General said I looked as if he were working me too hard, but actually we weren’t working any harder than before the Armistice. The only difference was that now we spent most of our time making investigations of thefts and property losses and damage suits brought by French citizens against the army and its members, whereas before we had a much wider and more varied program of work.
—5—
Just as I feared. I was doomed. The General got himself relieved and ordered back to the States and he thought he was doing me a good turn by arranging that I be sent back immediately also, so here we were, ready to embark, and I was just chilled through with expectations of what was in store for me. I hadn’t the least idea what I was going to do, but just to be doing something I sent a cable to Leon to park himself wherever this ship docked and be ready for any kind of an emergency. I had to word the message very cryptically and in good terms, but unless he was too dumb to live he’d understand and be there.
What would happen next—God alone knew!... Also I hadn’t heard from Clark lately. He was kinda peeved when he left Paris and I was wondering whether our little affair weren’t just a brief romance after all. I’d certainly feel terrible if he decided to change his mind about me: he was the only one who knew about us, and if he went back on me now I’d feel ashamed the rest of my life. I mean, if I did get through safely—and I didn’t see how I could!—I really ought to marry him to keep his mouth shut about my ever having been in this man’s army. But I couldn’t make him marry me—after all, I was not a ruined woman or anything like that, and I really hadn’t any claim on him, except that I loved him a dreadful lot. That ought to be enough—provided he loved me.
However, a fig for that till this mess was cleared up!
Homeward bound, on board the U.S.S. M——!—and I knew every hour that passed brought me nearer to my doom. I liked sea voyages, but I’d be damned if I could enjoy this one. Just like riding to the guillotine.
I had a funny experience coming over. Happened to pass the sick bay and a fellow was lying there near the door so that I couldn’t miss seeing him. I caught him staring at me, and then he smiled. I couldn’t place him at first, but finally I did. It was that Lowery, the fellow with the toes that used to get Leon’s goat back in camp. I went in and spoke to him then. “What’s the matter with you?” I asked.