We had a treasure in our battalion—a sergeant who knew all about bombs. He liked them, and knew exactly how to treat them. Of course we could not keep such a man in the battalion. He was manifestly called to the vocation of Instructor for Bombing Schools.
They will never make a general of him—he is too valuable in his present capacity. Besides, his grammar and pronunciation are not equal to such a strain. The more lucid his explanations are, the looser is his control of the aspirate; although that is nothing in these days, for I heard a member of the British Parliament speaking the other day, and he---- But that is another story!
'Bombs is all right if you treat them properly. They will never do no 'arm to you if you don't monkey with them. They are gentle and 'armless things to them as is wise to them,' he would say, addressing his group of humble disciples. 'Gather round and I'll learn you about bombs.' And what time he toyed with the vicious missile the 'class' would gather somewhat fearfully around him.
'When you remove this 'ere pin you release the spring which causes the charge to explode the bomb in the time that you count five—so.' He removes the pin and proceeds to deliberately count, 'One, two, three'; now his disciples begin to melt away, 'four'--'Oh, you needn't worry, five, there ain't no charge in this one. It's empty for experimental purposes.'
He has a wonderful command of hard, technical words, only equalled by his disregard of the proper pronunciation of simple words.
"Gather round, and I'll learn you about bombs."
Now with reassured courage the class gather round again, and he takes up a 'live' bomb.
'As you count three, you hurl the bomb, not with a jerk, but with a smooth round arm bowling motion. So—one, two, three,' and he hurls the bomb clear into a trench forty yards away. It explodes with a loud detonation, smashing up the trench, and he resumes his lecture.
'Although you 'ave removed the pin, you can still keep your bomb right, by pressing the spring until you are ready for action, so you can 'ave a bomb in your 'and just ready for throwing as you go up a German trench. You've got to do it just right, so that Fritz has no time to pick up your bomb and throw it back at you.