"Foss, will you go?"
"I shall obey orders," was my reply, amid cheers of the much-relieved shirkers, and I bolted for the train.
On arriving at my destination, I found the station crowded with a howling mob, and the Republican town committee were frantically shouting: "General Hall, General Hall!" "Here," said I, and only by the vigorous aid of the clubs of the police was I hustled through the embattled hosts to a hack, which took me to the hall where I walked on the shoulders of a friendly uniformed club to the platform, which I finally reached with torn apparel and in a condition of almost physical and mental collapse.
The "hail to the chief," by the band was drowned by the cat-calls: "Put him out!"—"Duck him!"—"Ride him on a rail!" etc., etc., Yells of the Butlerites who had packed the hall. At last I got my "mad up," and rising, I lighted a cigar, puffed vigorously, and smiled upon my uproarious foes. This astonished the "great unwashed," and a big Irishman jumped on the stage, shouting:
"Shut up, shut up, byes! Let's hear what the cuss has to say; he's a cool un."
There was silence. Taking out my cigar, I laughed long and loud.
"What you laughing at?" howled the mob.
"This reminds me," said I, very slowly, "of a little story."
"Out with it," was the response.
"When I was a teacher in Marblehead," drawled I, "I had occasion to wallop a boy with a cowhide. I made him touch his toes with his fingers and laid on the braid where it would do the most good; the more I whaled him the more he laughed. I laid on Macduff with a 'damned be he who first cries hold, enough,' determination, and yet he laughed. 'What you laughing at?' cried I. 'Oh, ha, ha, ha, you're licking the wrong boy,' giggled the unspeakable scamp. It's just that way here. You gentlemen are licking the wrong boy; I am not General Hall, at all, I am Lieutenant-General Ulysses S. Grant." The crowd roared: "He's a good un, let's hear him—ha, ha, ha, he's a good un," and for two hours I had as good-natured an audience as you ever saw.