I was a fool to ask that question. It made him suddenly crumple up—made him lean forward with his head in his outstretched hands and yield himself up to desolate, hysterical sobbing. "My fault," he cried, as soon as he had power to utter a word. "Not his—or hers either—but mine—mine—all mine...."
VII
And that, after seven years, was what he had been driven to....
No more brave talk about putting all that part of his life away from him; no more assurances that he didn't care, that he had forgotten, that he didn't want to be reminded. He hadn't forgotten; he couldn't forget; the past was all over him, obsessing and dominating. And with the past was bound up somehow or other his own guilt. Wherever and whenever we began to argue, that was always where we ended. He was guilty. He had been the cause of all the trouble—of Helen's coolness to Severn, of my estrangement from Helen, of Severn's escapade with the 'other' woman, of all that had gone amiss. His guilt forced itself on him—gave him no rest or peace—was both a cause and a symptom of the disaster that was so close to him. He had never been especially religious, in the sense of attending church and so on; yet this consciousness of guilt was a thing of almost religious fervour—but without the peace of forgiveness that religion would have given him. There was some odd streak in him that would never let him do anything by halves; in love, in work, even in repentance, his spirit knew no moderation. When I tried to argue away the extremity of what he felt, he shook his head and answered: "You don't know what happened.... When we get back to Vienna you can see the letters she sent me. They'll tell you more than I ever can. They'll show you how the guilt of all this is mine...."
We missed lunch; we had no appetite. I packed my things, and Terry's as well; Severn was elsewhere, conducting, no doubt, somewhat delicate negotiations with Madame. The time crawled sombrely through that almost impossibly hot day; Terry and I adjourned to the writing-room, where I scribbled a note to Bentley, telling him with an air of casualness that the woman whom he had seen in Severn's company wasn't Mrs. Severn, but a Hungarian friend. Bentley would have no reason to doubt it, and it would prevent him from chattering awkwardly. Terry's idea was that only the three of us should ever know the details, and even we, he said, must try to forget. "He's going back to Helen—that's the main thing. This other business is only an incident—closed from now onwards."
"But suppose Helen doesn't want him?" I said. "What then?"
He shook his head as a theologian might shake away the momentary temptation of heresy. "She will want him," he said, at length. "She must want him.... When we get back to Vienna I'm going to write to her—about Severn and about you. It's terrible that she's gone on blaming him and you for what is all my fault. I shall write to her and tell her everything."
"But you can't. You can't tell her about Severn and this woman."
"I can tell her everything except that."
"If Severn's going back to her, it seems to me there's no need to write at all. Even to mention him would look suspicious. In fact, to write a letter of any kind, after your long silence, would probably make her wonder what had been happening."