But we come to another discord in our miniature life-orchestra. Those all-embracing, ever-sounding tones, which lie at the two extremities of the "diapason of humanity," namely, Life and Death, here find their representatives. Here lies a sable-edged missive, speaking to the eye as the passing bell speaks to the ear, telling of blighted happiness, a desolate home, and loving hearts mourning and refusing to be comforted because the loved one is not; while close at hand and perchance overlying the sad messenger, is the announcement of another arrival upon the stage of life—Our First—and though it is as yet behind the curtain, not having made its bow to the world at large, is an important character in the green room; and the aid of that convenient individual, Uncle Sam, is invoked to convey the information of its advent to a circle of expectant friends, as highly favored as that select few who are sometimes invited to witness a private performance by some newly-arrived artist, before he makes his appearance in a more public manner.
Nor should we omit at least a passing notice of the humorous aspects of our Bag. Physiognomy will not go far in aiding us to determine as to a given letter, whether its contents are grave or gay. A well-ordered epistle, like a highly bred man, does not show on its face the emotions which it may contain. But in what we may call the lower class of letters, where nature is untrammeled by envelopes, and eccentricity or unskilfulness display themselves by the various shapes and styles in which the documents are folded and directed, there is more room for speculation on their internal character; and it is the author's intention to furnish some rare specimens of unconscious humor of this kind, for the delectation of his readers.
As we contemplate the wit, fun, humor, and jollity of all sorts, which lie dormant within these wrappages, we are tempted to retract our commiseration for the imaginary official whom we have supposed to know the contents of the letters in his charge, and therefore drag out a miserable existence under their depressing influence. At least we feel impelled to modify our remarks so far as to say that in the case supposed, his days would be passed in alternate cachinnations and sympathizing grief. He would become a storehouse of wit, a magazine of humor. For there is much of wit, humor, and jollity running through these secret channels, that never is diffused through the medium of the press, but flows among the privacies of domestic circles, adding life to their intercourse, and increasing the attractions of social fellowship, like some sparkling stream, both refreshing and adorning the landscape through which it takes its course.
We leave the further development of this prolific train of thought, to the reader's imagination. Yet the imagination can devise no combination more strange than those which may be found every day within the narrow precincts of which we have been speaking; and the same may be said of the Post-Office system at large, interwoven as it is with the whole social life of civilized man.
The laws of the land are intended not only to preserve the person and material property of every citizen sacred from intrusion, but to secure the privacy of his thoughts, so far as he sees fit to withhold them from others. Silence is as great a privilege as speech, and it is as important that every one should be able to maintain it whenever he pleases, as that he should be at liberty to utter his thoughts without restraint. Now the post-office undertakes to maintain this principle with regard to written communications as they are conveyed from one person to another through the mails. However unimportant the contents of a letter may be, the violation of its secrecy while it is in charge of the Post-Office Department, or even after having left its custody, becomes an offence of serious magnitude in the eye of the law; and as the quantity and importance of mail matter is continually increasing, it has been found necessary to adopt means for its security, which were not required in the earlier history of the Post-Office. One kind of danger to which the mails were exposed before the days of railroads and steamboats, namely, highway robbery, is now almost unknown. The principal danger at present to be apprehended, is from those connected with their transportation and delivery, and a system of surveillance has been adopted, suited to the exigency of the case, namely, the creation of Special Agents, who have become a fixed "institution," likely to be essential to the efficiency of the Department, as long as any of its employés are deficient in principle or honesty. The origin of this Special Agent System will be given elsewhere. It is sufficient to say here, that the curious developments of character, and combinations of circumstances, which will be found in the following pages, were mainly brought to light by the operation of this system, as carried out by one of its Agents. "Ten years" of experience have given the author (or at least ought to have given him) an ample supply of material for the illustration of nearly every phase in Post-Office life. His principal difficulty is the "embarras des richesses;" yet he has endeavored to select such cases as are not only interesting in themselves, but well calculated to benefit those for whose use the present work is especially designed.
CONTENTS.
| CHAPTER I. | ||
| No "Ear-Biters" employed—The Commission—A whole School robbed—Value of a "quarter"—Embargo on Trunks—Unjust Suspicion—The dying Mother—Fidelity of Post Masters—A venerable pair of Officials—President Pierce assists—A clue to the Robberies—The Quaker Coat—An insane Traveler—The Decoy Letters—Off the Road—The dancing Horse—The Decoy missing—An official Visit by night—Finding the marked Bills—The Confession—The Arrest | Page[ 25] | |
| CHAPTER II. | ||
| A competent Assistant—Yielding to Temptation—An easy Post Master—Whispers of Complaint—Assistant embarrassed—Application to his Uncle—The Refusal—Value of a kind Word—Resort to Depredations—Evidences of Guilt—Decoy Letter taken—The Bowling Saloon—The Agent worsted—The Restaurant—Bother of the Credit System—The fatal Bank-Note—Keen Letter to the Agent—The Arrest—The next Meeting | [52] | |
| CHAPTER III. | ||
| Business Rivalry—Country Gossiping—Museum of Antiquities—New Post Master—Serious Rumors—Anonymous Letters—Package detained—Bar-room Scene—Ramifications of the Law—First Citizens—Rascally Enemies—Lawyer's Office—Gratuitous Backing—Telegraphing—U. S. Marshal arrives—The Charge—The Fatal Quarter—Enemies' Triumph—The Warrant—Singular Effects of Fear—A Faithful Wife—Sad Memories—The Squire's Surprise—All right | [66] | |
| CHAPTER IV. | ||
| High Crimes in low Places—Honest Baggage-masters—Suspicious Circumstances—Watching the Suspected—Shunning the Dust—Honesty Triumphant—An Episode—Unexpected Confession—The Night Clerks—Conformity to Circumstances—Pat the Porter—Absents himself—Physician consulted—The Dead Child—Hunting Excursions—"No Go"—Pat explains his Absence—His Discharge—The Grave-stones—Stolen Money appears—The Jolly Undertakers—Pat at the Grave—More Hunting—Firing a Salute—Removing the Deposits—Crossing the Ferry—Scene at the Post-Office—Trip to Brooklyn—Recovery of Money—Escape—Encounter with a Policeman—Searching a Steamer—Waking the wrong Passenger—Accomplices detained—Luxuries cut off—False Imprisonment Suit—Michael on the Stand—Case dismissed | [95] | |
| CHAPTER V. | ||
| An infected District—A "fast" Route Agent—Heavy Bank Losses—Amateur Experiments—Dangerous Interference—A Moral Lecture—The Process discovered—An unwelcome Stranger—Midnight Watching—Monopoly of a Car—Detected in the Act—The Robber searched—His Committal—A supposed Accomplice—The Case explained—Honesty again triumphant—Drafts and Letters—A long Sentence—Public Sympathy—A Christian Wife—Prison Scenes—Faithful to the last—An interesting Letter | [122] | |
| CHAPTER VI. | ||
| Safety of the Mails—Confidence shaken—About Mail Locks—Importance of Seals—City and Country—Meeting the Suspected—Test of Honesty—Value of a String—A dreary Ride—Harmless Stragglers—A cautious Official—Package missing—An early Customer—Newspaper Dodge—Plain Talk—A Call to Breakfast—Innocence and Crime—Suspicion Confirmed—The big Wafers—Finding the String—The Examination—Escape to Canada—A true Woman—The Re-arrest—Letter of Consolation—The Wife in Prison—Boring Out—Surprise of the Jailor—Killing a Horse | [136] | |
| CHAPTER VII. | ||
| Startling Complaints—Character against Suspicion—The two Clerks—Exchanging Notes—The Faro Bank—Tracing a Bill—An official Call—False Explanation—Flight of the Guilty—The Fatal Drug—The Suicide—Sufferings of the Innocent—The Moral | [152] | |
| CHAPTER VIII. | ||
| A NIGHT IN A POST-OFFICE. | ||
| Midnight Mails—Suspected Clerk—A trying Position—Limited View—A "crack" Agent—Sneezing—"Counter Irritation"—The Night Bell—Fruitless Speculations—Insect Orchestra—Picolo introduced—Snoring—Harmless Accident—The Boot-black—A tenanted Boot—The Exit | [165] | |
| CHAPTER IX. | ||
| Throwing off the Cars—Fiendish Recklessness—The Boot-Tracks—A Scamp among the Printers—Obstruction removed—A Ruse—The Boots secured—"Big Jobs"—The Trial—Unreliable Witness—A Life-Sentence | [172] | |
| CHAPTER X. | ||
| STOPPING A POST-OFFICE. | ||
| The Unpaid Draft—The Forged Order—A Reliable Witness—Giving up the Mail Key—A Lady Assistant—Post-Office Records—The official Envelope—Return of the Post Master—The Interview—Embarrassment of Guilt—Duplicate Circular—Justice secured | [181] | |
| CHAPTER XI. | ||
| Indian Depredations—The model Mail Contractor—Rifles and Revolvers—Importance of a Scalp—Indian Chief reconnoitering—Saving dead Bodies—Death of a Warrior—The Charge—A proud Trophy—Sunset on the Prairie—Animal Life—A solitary Hunt—The Buffalo Chase—Desperate Encounter with an Indian—Ingenious Signal—Returning to Camp—Minute Guns—A welcome Return | [192] | |
| CHAPTER XII. | ||
| Cheating the Clergy—Duping a Witness—Money missing—A singular Postscript—The double Seal—Proofs of Fraud—The same Bank-Note—"Post-Boy" confronted—How the Game was played—Moving off | [201] | |
| CHAPTER XIII. | ||
| Young Offenders—Thirty Years ago—A large Haul—A Ray of Light | [206] | |
| CHAPTER XIV. | ||
| OBSTRUCTING THE MAIL. | ||
| A sound Principle—A slow Period—A wholesome Law—"Ahead of the Mail"—Moral Suasion—Indignant Passengers—Dutch Oaths—A Smash—Interesting Trial—A rowdy Constable—The Obstructors mulcted | [213] | |
| CHAPTER XV. | ||
| A dangerous Mail Route—Wheat Bran—A faithful Mail Carrier—Mail Robber shot—A "Dead-head" passenger—An Old Offender—Fatal Associate—Robbery and Murder—Conviction and Execution—Capital Punishment—Traveling in Mexico—Guerillas—Paying over—The Robbers routed—A "Fine Young English Gentleman"—The right stuff | [222] | |
| CHAPTER XVI. | ||
| The tender Passion—Barnum's Museum—Little Eva—The Boys in a Box—The Bracelet—Love in an Omnibus—Losses explained | [226] | |
| CHAPTER XVII. | ||
| DETACHED INCIDENTS. | ||
| Bank Letter lost—The Thief decoyed—Post-Office at Midnight—Climbing the Ladder—An exciting Moment—Queer Place of Deposit—A Post Master in Prison—Afflicted Friends—Sighs and Saws—The Culprit's Escape—How it was done—A cool Letter—A Wife's Offering—Moral Gymnastics—Show of Honesty—Unwelcome Suggestion—"A hard road to travel"—Headed by a Parson—Lost Time made up—A Male overhauled | [229] | |
| CHAPTER XVIII. | ||
| FRAUDS CARRIED ON THROUGH THE MAILS. | ||
| Sad Perversion of Talent—Increase of Roguery—Professional Men suffer—Young America at the "Bar"—Papers from Liverpool—The Trick successful—A legal Document—Owning up—A careless Magistrate—Letters from the Un-duped—Victimizing the Clergy—A lithograph Letter—Metropolitan Sermons—An up-town Church—A Book of Travels—Natural Reflections—Wholesome Advice—The Seed Mania—Strong Inducements—Barnes' Notes—"First rate Notice"—Farmer Johnson—Wethersfield outdone—Joab missing—"Gift Enterprise"—List of Prizes—The Trap well baited—Evading the Police—The Scrub Race | [242] | |
| CHAPTER XIX. | ||
| POST-OFICE SITES. | ||
| Embarrassing duty—An exciting Question—A "Hard Case"—Decease of a Post Master—The Office discontinued—The other side—Call at the White House—The Reference—Agent's Arrival—Molasses Incident—An honest Child—Slicking up—The Academy—Stuck fast—The Shoe Factory—A shrewd Citizen—The Saw Mill—A Tenantless Building—Viewing the "Sites"—Obliging Post Master—The defunct Bank—A Funeral Scene—The Agent discovered—Exciting Meeting—"Restoration Hall"—Eloquent Appeals—A Fire Brand—Committee on Statistics—Generous Volunteers—Being "put down"—Good-nature restored—The Bill "settled"—A Stage Ride—Having the last Word | [264] | |
| CHAPTER XX. | ||
| HARROWFORK POST-OFFICE. | ||
| A gloomy Picture—Beautiful Village—Litigation in Harrowfork—A model Post Master—The Excitement—Petitioning the Department—Conflicting Statements—The decisive Blow—The new Post Master—The "Reliable Man"—Indignant Community—Refusal to serve—An Editor's Candidate—The Temperance Question—Newspaper Extracts—A Mongrel Quotation—A Lull—A "Spy in Washington"—Bad Water—New Congressmen—The Question revived—Delegate to Washington—Obliging Down Easter—The lost Letters—Visit to the Department—Astounding Discovery—Amusing Scene—A Congressman in a "Fix"—The Difficulty "arranged" | [289] | |
| CHAPTER XXI. | ||
| UNJUST COMPLAINTS. | ||
| Infallibility not claimed—"Scape-Goats"—The Man of Business Habits—Home Scrutiny—A Lady in Trouble—A bold Charge—A wronged Husband—Precipitate Retreat—Complaints of a Lawyer—Careless Swearing—Wrong Address—No Retraction—A careless Broker—The Charge repulsed—The Apology—Mistake repeated—The Affair explained—A comprehensive Toast | [323] | |
| CHAPTER XX1I. | ||
| PRACTICAL, ANECDOTAL, ETC. | ||
| The wrong Address—Odd Names of Post-Offices—The Post-Office a Detector of Crime—Suing the British Government—Pursuit of a Letter Box—An "Extra" Customer—To my Grandmother—Improper Interference—The Dead Letter—Sharp Correspondence—The Irish Heart—My Wife's Sister | [333] | |
| CHAPTER XXIII. | ||
| Responsibility of Post Masters | [348] | |
| CHAPTER XXIV. | ||
| Official Courtesy, etc. | [353] | |
| CHAPTER XXV. | ||
| Importance of Accuracy | [358] | |
| CHAPTER XXVI. | ||
| Post Masters as Directories—Novel Applications—The Butter Business—A Thievish Family—"Clarinda" in a City—Decoying with Cheese—Post Master's Response—A Truant Husband—Woman's Instinct | [360] | |
| CHAPTER XXVII. | ||
| A Windfall for Gossipers—Suit for Slander—Profit and Loss—The Resuscitated Letter—Condemned Mail Bag—An Epistolary Rip Van Winkle | [365] | |
| CHAPTER XXVIII. | ||
| VALENTINES. | ||
| Their Origin—Degeneration—Immoral Influence—Incitement to Dishonesty | [368] | |
| CHAPTER XXIX. | ||
| The Clairvoyant Discovery | [375] | |
| CHAPTER XXX. | ||
| Poetical and Humorous Addresses upon Letters | [381] | |
| CHAPTER XXXI. | ||
| Origins of the Mail Coach Service | [390] | |
| CHAPTER XXX1I. | ||
| Evasion of the Post-Office Laws | [392] | |
| CHAPTER XXXIII. | ||
| Post-Office Paul Prys | [394] | |
| CHAPTER XXXIV. | ||
| Special Agents | [397] | |
| CHAPTER XXXV. | ||
| Route Agents | [403] | |
| CHAPTER XXXVI. | ||
| Decoy Letters | [409] | |
| SUPPLEMENTARY CHAPTER. | ||
| Practical Information—Post-Office Laws—Improved Letter Case | [413] |