Even though both NAZARRO and DARVINO were fervent advocates of peace and tolerance, the nations which are supposed to follow these two Masters direct their best intelligence and scientific accomplishments toward the invention of infernal devices with which to maim and destroy one another. Every new discovery made by scientific searchers is at once seized upon for the purpose of making these engines of torture ever more deadly, ever more maliciously destructive. As he deciphered these words one dreary night, Professor FANSEE whispered to me in confidence that he had absolutely lost his belief in the actual existence of Hell; but that this revelation was making him reconsider his non-belief. And, he added, if there is such a place, I am fully convinced that, then, I have beyond doubt located it on the planet Mars. Think of this insensate chaos of low emotions, of this ceaseless courting of suffering, death and devastation among nations which should have formed a solid bond of friendship and mutual respect, and which, had they done so, might all have peaceably enjoyed all the wealth of the Universe. And when you behold their primitive lack of all kindly feeling, reflect that these nationality-maniacs are so utterly deluded as to bluntly call themselves Nazarranos and to pray to the God of NAZARRO for success in their wantonly destructive pursuits!
Stirred to the depth by this display of unutterable stupidity or seemingly hopeless irrationality, we anxiously waited for further details. Little by little, we subsequently succeeded in deciphering them. It seems that among the antagonistic Nazarrano-Darviniano nations there were two to whom our Martian informer referred with particular emphasis.
One of these, inhabiting a country called Two-Tonia, seems to be known to the Martians as the TWO-TONS. Upon inquiry it was found that on Mars the names by which the nations are known are in some instances derived from their mental characteristics. The Two-Tons have the reputation of being mentally heavy. Each Two-Ton is supposed to carry two tons of brain matter; and in many individual cases this weight unfortunately becomes so oppressive as to make them apparently incapable of acquiring or developing the amiable and pliable mental graces that adorn the minds of a few other nationalities.
The Two-Tons excel many other nations in depth and scientific thoroughness. They have increased their depth by digging very deep into any subject to which they devote their attention. That in their arguments in connection with the Darviniano philosophy, aside from empirical pursuits, they are apt to dig in the wrong direction, our Martian informer promised to demonstrate. Digging as deep as they do, one may easily understand, if they really start digging in the wrong direction, how very far from their philosophic object they are likely to wind up in the end.
Among those nationalities whose national pride stands in the way of an appreciation of the merits of other nations, the Two-Tons must be counted foremost. To them all other Nazarrano-Darviniano nations seem utterly worthless and absurdly inferior. For this reason they prefer occasional association or alliance with the Musselmen, although they are supposed to be praying to the Nazarrano God, placing meanwhile their faith in the Darviniano philosophy. Their contempt for other Nazarrano nations knows no limit. They consider themselves the creators and guardians of a special form of civilization, endlessly superior to the degree of mental growth reached in other countries. However absurd and conceited this may seem, it must at the same time be acknowledged that the brain-weight of the Two-Tons has led to some remarkably constructive results. In the short lapse of time of forty years, making use of the material gathered in earlier periods, they have succeeded in erecting a palatial edifice of science and industry far exceeding in excellence and unity of construction the many isolated buildings erected for the same purpose in the course of a few centuries in other countries. How great and rich this nation could therefore have grown, had they quietly fostered in their own hearts their elation at their wonderful progress, and had they not permitted contradictory delusions to mar the solidity of their accomplishments!
It should be mentioned that among the products which this nation was preparing with scientific care was a dangerous explosive that was placed upon the national market under the name of Militarism. Every able-bodied male citizen was compelled to devote a certain number of years to the manufacture of this highly explosive product. As a consequence there was such a superabundance of the stuff in their country, that they decided to store barrels upon barrels of it in the basement of their wonderfully constructed edifice. Moreover, they placed a fuse in every room and hall of the well-constructed building, so that they might be in a position to blow the whole structure up at a moment’s notice, apparently just for spite, in case of a quarrel with some other nation. Great engines were constructed of precious metal from which this explosive was to hurl huge balls, scientific stinkpots and other malicious missiles into the ranks of the contemplated enemy. And as these engines were wont to cough up their deadly projectiles with an earsplitting noise, the factory where the engines were produced was facetiously referred to as the CROUP-factory. The time indeed came when an explosion did occur, of which the terrific results are as yet incapable of compilation.
Another product of a very different kind, manufactured by the Two-Tons, was mentioned by our Martian informer, the real character of which Professor FANSEE had some difficulty in deciphering. At first the Professor translated its name as Koaltar, but as the word was repeated, it proved to be some sort of national talisman to which they give the name of Kooltoor. The real meaning of this word is still wrapped in mystery. It would seem, however, that just as our word Culture refers to the mental development of the individual, so is the word Kooltoor used to denote the mental and physical development of the Two-Ton nation as a whole. I expect that Two-Tonia will be mentioned later in Professor FANSEE’S manuscript in connection with further international Martian events.
The other nation most frequently mentioned by our unseen communicant on Mars seems to be known on that planet by the name of ANGLERS-AXSONS, and was at other times referred to under the name of BRITS. There is no doubt but that the two names refer to the same nation, for in one instance the word Axsons was left out, and our kind Martian spoke distinctly of the Anglers or Brits. They dwell apparently on a group of islands called Anglia or Brittia. It further seems that one of these islands is specifically known as the Ire-island, because the ire of its inhabitants is so very easily aroused. According to a legend, the nation of the Brits was founded by a fisherman who drove the snakes off the islands for the permanent protection of the angleworms. This fisherman having been a prehistoric patriarch, whose name has failed to come down the sky-reaching slope of the centuries, the nation is simply known as the Anglers. The ocean has been the field of their conquests and the means toward their development, which took about three centuries, so that their national efforts commenced some two centuries and a half before the Two-Tons started theirs.
They are so wholeheartedly devoted to fishing, it is said that during all this stretch of time they continually have had their baited hooks ready to grab and appropriate anything to be found in, on or near the ocean. They have not been unsuccessful in their fishing enterprise. Sometimes they catch fish. At other times they catch islands, coaling stations, countries occupied by so-called inferior tribes, a canal here and there built by the laborious efforts of other nations; in fact they have gathered all sorts of oceanic treasures whenever the other nations failed to see them first. The surname Ax-sons is probably derived from the fact that but a few hundred years ago they were mere Skandalnavying savages whose only weapon of offense and defense was the battle-ax.
As to the name Brits, by which they seem in fact to be most commonly known, it must be confessed that Professor FANSEE had never succeeded in discovering its intrinsic meaning. When I returned to civilization, however, I decided to investigate; and by carefully scanning all the dictionaries contained in all the famous libraries of the Fidji Islands, I discovered that the word Brit applies to a young herring, once thought to be a distinct species. I furthermore found that this word denotes the food of the whalebone whales, consisting of small crustaceans, pteropods (whatever that is), and other minute surface swimming animals whose mammas have cursed them with fancy names. It is possible that the Brits made at one time the fishing of brit their national industry, and that they thus became known by the name of the fish they sold, dished up, and in other ways used for their own sel-fish purposes. On the other hand it is equally plausible that the name refers to their propensity of grabbing little islands and coaling stations from the ocean, just small enough to escape the attention of others and to pass through the elastic dip-low-matic rake, yet in the aggregate of sufficient bulk considerably to increase their national weight and importance.