Extent of Affection.—If such discipline is not instituted, then the lengths to which the doubting hesitant habit may go are almost incredible. I have had patients tell me that they doubted about nearly everything in the past. A very dear friend once confided to me that it was always a source of bother [{735}] to him that he was not quite sure whether he was married or not. His marriage I knew had been a public ceremonial, and he had led his bride down the aisle to the strains of the "Wedding March" in quite conventional style, but he was hesitant of speech, especially under excitement, and he was not sure that he had ever said "I will" to the question of the clergyman, for there was a constriction at his throat at the moment and he could utter no sound. The absence of any audible sound from the groom is not so unusual as to attract attention and, of course, his intention and his bodily presence and everything else gave the assent without the necessity for the word, but he could not get out of his mind the thought that possibly he was not married and at times it gave him poignant discomfort. He was a thoroughly intelligent man, a teacher and a writer, with no abnormalities that attracted attention, and his tendency to doubt was only known to very near friends who laughed at it and had no idea at all of the annoyance that it often gave its unfortunate victim.
I have a clergyman friend who has had some serious scruples with regard to his ordination. He is a Catholic priest and at a certain part of the ceremonial of ordination it is considered necessary for the candidate for orders to touch at the same moment the paten, the small metal plate on which the Host is placed, and the chalice. This clergyman is not sure that he had done this simultaneously. As a rule, great care is exercised in seeing that all the details of the ordination ceremonies are carried out very exactly and as there are a number of attendants on the altar whose duty it is to see that the absolutely necessary details are properly fulfilled, it is quite improbable that any mistake in this matter was made. The young clergyman, however, had not made an act of conscious attention at the moment when he was supposed to do this, and consequently he could not be sure afterwards whether he had done it or not. He thought of it as the very essence of his ordination and he feared that all his subsequent acts as a clergyman might be impaired by this negligence.
Trivial Doubts.—It is not alone with regard to important things, however, that people may doubt and are disturbed by doubts, but with regard to every trivial thing in life, if they permit the habit to grow on them. Doubting is, after all, one of the phobias, that is to say, it is the fear that something may happen if the decision they make is wrong, that causes people to hesitate so much. There is a tendency in all of us which, if undisciplined, may make us put off the doing of things until the last moment. It is easy to resolve the night before that we will do certain things the next day, but when the next day comes we find excuses to put them off. I have already suggested as a symptom that some people put off the opening of letters. There are probably more who do this than anyone has any idea of. Delay in answering letters is probably much more often due to hesitancy of decision than to actual laziness. We doubt as to what we should say about certain things, and we do not care to take the trouble of making up our minds, and we fear if we do make up our minds it may be wrong, so we adjourn the whole matter to another time and keep on adjourning it. Many people are quite ready to confess that they do not do things until they have to, though few are ready to acknowledge that it is due to hesitancy or doubting about themselves and their decisions.
Of course, the man who doubts whether he has locked the door of his house after he gets to bed can only satisfy himself by getting up and actually investigating the state of affairs. Then there is the man who doubts whether he has locked his safe at the office. He may get his doubts just as he reaches the foot of the elevator and then if he is wise he will go back and determine the matter. If he is wise with experience he will also deliberately determine while he is there whether the office window is closed and locked and will make a conscious act when he comes out as to the locking of the office door. If he does not do all this he will have further doubts on the way up town and at his home during the evening which will make the doing of anything else a matter of discomfort and he will spoil the restfulness of his after-dinner hours. Some men conquer their first doubt, make their way home only to be beset by so many doubts that at the end of an hour they go back to their office and determine whether the safe is locked or not. Finding it locked they may forget to notice other things about the office and then they will surely have doubts about these, and they may have to go back again and see about them.
Then there is the man who doubts whether he posted a letter or if he did post it, who doubts whether it found its way down to the bottom of the mail box, or whether it may not have caught on a projecting screw or bolt or some portion of the upper part of the box and so fail of collection; he may go back several times to determine this. Doubts about even more trivial matters than this, however, annoy some people. I have known widows on whom the responsibility of managing the financial affairs of the household had been thrown for the first time after their husbands' death, who constantly doubted whether they could afford to spend this or that, though they were regularly saving money from their income. Over and over again they would have to go over all their recent expenditures to decide whether they could afford certain expenses. Such little things as the sort of paper to use in their correspondence, the wages they paid their servants, the amount of waste in the food in the household, all aroused in them doubts and set them to calculating once more just what was the relation of their income to expenditure, all to no purpose, for they would have the same doubts the next week or month.
Then there are people who doubt whether their friends really think anything of them. They think that though they treat them courteously this may be only common politeness and they may really resent their wasting their time when they call on them. They hesitate to ask these people to do things for them, though over and over again the friends may have shown their willingness and, above all, by asking favors of them in turn, may have shown that they were quite willing to put themselves under obligations. They doubt about their charities. They wonder whether they may really not be doing more harm than good, though they have investigated the cases or have had them investigated and the object of their charity may have been proved to be quite deserving. They hesitate about the acquisition of new friends, and doubt whether they should give them any confidence and whether the confidences that they have received from them are not really baits. This is, of course, a verging on suspicion as well as hesitancy and doubt, but the stories of how these people try to conquer themselves, yet have to make decision after decision, each one requiring time and a certain resolution of mind, are quite [{737}] pitiable. It gets worse rather than better unless a definite discipline of opposition and control is organized.
What ordinary people do habitually and easily and without any effort of mind, these people must waste time and mental energy over so that it is extremely difficult for them to accomplish anything. Training of mind, as of hand, consists in making certain actions so habitual that they are accomplished quite automatically. If we have decided that we are to get up at a certain hour we get up at that hour and do not have to make up our minds about it again, though this is one of the actions in which we all have the most lapses and the most need of renewal of resolution and habit. We make up our mind what we are going to eat and gradually acquire the habit of eating a certain quantity and a certain variety at meals and then we do not have to make up our minds about it every time. We go out, to do whatever must be done in our occupation quite automatically and there is no need of wasting mental energy over decisions about it. It is this that the doubter cannot do. He or she calls every trifling act before the supreme court of last decision, the bar of intellect, to decide whether it is worth while doing, whether it is to be done or not, how it is to be done, and then there is a doubt whether after it is done it may not prove to be quite the wrong thing to have done. This adds so much to the friction of life that all the surplus energy is used up in the settling of trivial matters, and nothing worth while is accomplished.
Sir James Paget once expressed all the realities of the situation of many of these people in a few terse phrases. It is probably the best explanation of its kind that we have and it deserves to be in the notebook and often before the mind of physicians who treat neurotic patients. Sir James said: "The patient says 'She cannot'; her friends say 'She will not'; the truth is she cannot will."
The expression, of course, applies to many other phases of so-called nervous disease besides doubting and especially to the psychasthenias. It represents, indeed, the keynote of many of these puzzling affections. The fact that it was uttered more than half a century ago shows how much better these affections were understood two generations before ours than we are likely to think, and how well physicians then got to the heart of them. From this to the re-education of will, that mental discipline and relearning of self-control which constitutes the essence of the treatment of them, is but a short step.