If a Child is to be in the Hands of a Nursery-maid, (which is general among People of Condition) great Care should be taken in the Choice of her. I am an Advocate for Knowledge and Good-breeding, but they are not so much wanted here. The Requisites are, Cleanliness, Good-temper, Docility, and Innocence. Every one allows, and is sensible of the Benefit of Cleanliness; and genuine Good-temper is no less advantageous; but if with these Parents find a tractable docile Mind, joined with a native Innocence, they have found a Treasure; and ought to prize it accordingly. The Parents are to be their Children’s Guides, and the sole Judges what ought to be done for them; therefore I cannot but account it a singular Happiness, when they find a Servant who will treat their Children in the Manner they require. But farther; a Servant with this Turn of Temper, will every Day improve in the Knowledge and Behaviour necessary to her Station: and from seeing the Reasonableness of the Parents Injunctions, take pains to enforce them on the Child.
But as a Variety of Circumstances in Life may alter our Views; so we are often obliged to vary our Mode of proceeding, tho’ directed to the same Point. Thus it sometimes happens, that a very young Couple become Parents, who are totally unacquainted with what ought to be done; in that Case, it is undoubtedly necessary that they seek a Person already skilled in this important Business; possessed too of all the Requisites I have just pointed out: and such an one with Care and Pains may be found. As Misfortunes are but too common, so there are Women who are not only well born, but whose Education and Manner of Life is truly virtuous; whose only Fault perhaps is, that they inconsiderately married too young; and whose Misfortune is, that Death by depriving them of their Husbands, has deprived them of Support: whence they are glad to accept of a Service, which unexperienced Parents ought as gladly to engage them in, and reward them for.
It is not enough that Children have wise and discreet Parents, who employ too a faithful Deputy; no, they must also be guarded from the Interposition of Friends and Relations. They are dangerous Sharers in our Government, and dangerous Rivals in our Children’s Affections. No body surely can mistake me so far as to think I would exclude Relations from the Respect and Duty due to them; by no means: they may assist with their Counsel in the Absence of the Children, or they may encourage filial Duty in the Absence of the Parents; but in general they should not be allow’d to interfere in the Management, nor on any Account thwart the Parents Injunctions, or discover opposite Sentiments in the Children’s hearing. What more common than for a Lady to have a Maiden Sister live with her, who is pretty sure to spoil the Children by a mistaken Fondness. A Child grows ungovernable, and the Parents correct it; now as Children are cunning before they are wise, immediately it flies to it’s Aunt; who, with eager Embraces, and pathetic Nonsense, seldom fails to pervert the Parents Correction with ill timed, and worse judg’d Consolations. Is it not easy to see that Children by this Party Management will be misled; and that if it does not misguide their Affection, it will at least weaken their Duty?
That Children have Knowledge very early is plain to us a thousand different Ways, but in none more evidently than their close Attachment, their visible Fondness, for some one Person, whether Father, Mother, Aunt, or Nurse; though commonly it is the Mother or Nurse, or whoever is most with them, or most humours them. This Fondness is perfectly natural, and we are not to be surprised at it; but my Readers must remember it is the Parents Business to regulate their Children’s Desires; and this they cannot do, if they indulge and cherish a blind Fondness in them, though it should be even to themselves. Filial Affection in it’s full Extent is undoubtedly an exalted Virtue; still to be rational, it must be just: and as there are many things which Parents cannot lawfully command their Children to do, so there are many things which Children ought not to comply with, even though commanded by a Parent. For Instance: if a Man dislikes his Wife, or a Woman her Husband (and melancholy Experience shews us these things do happen, and that there is sometimes a fix’d Aversion on one side or both) is it therefore lawful for a Man to teach his Children to hate their Mother; or the reverse? by no means: nor can a Child comply with so impious a Command. People who know but little of Life, may think such an Injunction impossible; but it is far from it. Many Incidents approaching very near to this are too frequently to be met with; and I have myself the Pleasure of being acquainted with a Gentleman, whose whole Deportment is such as renders him amiable in the Eyes of all who know him; yet this Gentleman, when a Student, was almost totally abandon’d by his Father, for no other Reason than that of writing some Letters of Duty and Affection to his Mother. But to return to this first Fondness we discover in Children. The Cause of it is mostly owing to their being too much confined to the Arms of one Person, or too much indulg’d by another: yet whatever it is owing to, the Effects are very disagreeable, very inconvenient, and sometimes very fatal.
When a Child is in the Arms of those it is fond of, no body must meddle with it under pain of a Slap on the Face; and tho’ this Behaviour is often put up with, and the Parents persuade themselves it is pretty, yet their Friends, when absent, seldom fail to condemn them as the Cause of this Behaviour: but should any one, regardless of the Slaps, take the Child into their Arms, the little Creature is immediately in a Rage, the whole Company is thrown into Disorder, and nothing can quiet it, but returning to the Arms of the mistaken Fondler. Here at one View is Error upon Error, Absurdity upon Absurdity; the Child by this mistaken Fondness is made miserable, and the Mother or Nurse a Slave. Now to obviate this Inconvenience, my Advice is, that every Child, after six Months old, be accustomed to various Faces; be put into the Arms of various People, young or old, fine or ordinary; so as to make every one they see in some Degree familiar: Parents are to make their Children happy; keep them active, lively, and smiling; and this they cannot do, if they cherish or indulge in them a Dislike of going to any other but themselves. I know this Weakness in Mothers and Nurses is attended with many Inconveniencies; it creates in Children an early Fear; often an unconquerable Shyness; it sours their Temper, and strengthens their natural Wilfulness; which last Effect is plain to every Eye; for to make the Child quiet they take it away from the Stranger; by which Treatment it soon sees it can conquer it’s Parents. But Parents encourage this partial Fondness in Children, for fear they should not love them: this is a Mistake; for even Infants soon know their Mother or Nurse; and soon too do they both see and feel a Happiness in them they do not find in others: like People who toil themselves with Sights and Shows, they return to their own Home, and enjoy a Content superior to every thing they felt abroad.
Children, while young, may be compared to Machines; which are, or should be, put in Motion, or stopped, at the Will of others: but here it must be confessed, that ’till they are able to conduct themselves, they stand in need of good Conductors. For Example, Children have the Gift of Speech; but to how perverse a Purpose, unless regulated? Their Wit, their Cunning, or their Knowledge, often serve but to mislead them; serve but to strengthen the natural Corruption of their Will. What is more common than for a Child to make no Answer when ask’d a Question? Or what more common than for another, or perhaps the same in a different Mood, to tire a whole Company with incessant Prating? Now nothing can regulate these but the Judgment of Parents; the whole Machine, that is, the Words and Actions of Children, are to be under their Guidance alone: to this End, they must set out with a Resolution to conquer; and never quit the Field of Argument ’till they have. When a Question is ask’d a Child, no Matter by whom, whether by the Parents, a Visitor, a Servant, or a Beggar, it must never be suffered to go unanswered; all the Rules of Breeding and Civility demand it; and nothing can excuse a Non-compliance: so, on the other hand, when a Child has a fluent, voluble Tongue, and is disposed to talk out of Time and Place, and to say perhaps many improper or unbecoming things, it must certainly be restrained. But tho’ I urge this, it is not merely because Children should speak or be silent; do a thing, or let it alone, when bid; for however right or pleasing all this is, it is far from being the only Motive; no, it is the Influence the opposite Behaviour will have on Children’s future Lives that must be the Point in View. A Child accustomed not to answer when spoke to, will probably contract a morose, dogged, or, at least, an uncivil Habit; another suffered to out-talk every body in the House, will be in Danger of becoming an impertinent, if not an empty Prater; and if a third is never refused the thing it asks for, it will be but ill prepared to bear Disappointments. Parents I know are apt to think nothing of these Irregularities; but it is Inattention to the first Errors, which lays the Foundation of Vices for Life. What is it distinguishes Mankind from all created Nature, but that superior Power, Reason? Yet what is it makes this noble Faculty, this boasted Power, so often useless, nay destructive, but the Corruption of the Will? Will is a distinct Power in the Soul; but as it is naturally corrupt, if Parents neglect an early Restraint of it in their Children, it is great odds that their Reason will never be able to conquer it: nay there are many who never attempt the subjecting it; who banish every thing which does not favour their Inclinations, however irregular; and even among those who struggle for Reason to gain the Ascendant, the Combat is often unequal. Hence appears the Necessity of attending to the earliest Words and Actions of Children; of observing the Biass they take; and of moulding their tender Minds, that the first Dawn of Reason may be cherished and improved in them.
Parents should give their Children an early and an ardent Love of Truth; in order to this, it is not sufficient that they give them Precepts, they must add Example too. There is no Vice more dangerous, none more odious, than a Habit of lying; and yet none more common. But what is stranger still, Parents themselves are often the Persons who teach it them. It is very far from being my Design to charge Parents with an Intention of leading Children into this capital Error; but that they do it either thro’ want of Thought, or want of Judgment, is evident. First, they grossly mistake their Children’s Capacity; and from a Notion that they know nothing, say a thousand improper things in their hearing: then, when they find themselves observed, are obliged to use many Shifts and Turns to get rid of their Curiosity and Importunity. The next Cause is, that Parents do not make Duty their Children’s Rule of Conduct. A Child sees something in it’s Father’s Hand, and asks, What is that? The Father answers, Nothing. But why make so absurd a Reply? Will not the Child in Return act the same Part? Jacky, what have you got in your Hand? Nothing. A Child sees it’s Mother put Money, Fruit, or any thing else in her Pocket, and asks for it; immediately she replies she has none: the Child taking the Conviction of it’s Senses, cries for what it has seen; and the Mother, after repeated Denials, has no other Way of pacifying it, than the giving what it cries for; and thus prove she has been maintaining a Falsehood. I was once in Company with a Lady, who with a sort of half Whisper, said her poor little Girl had Worms, and she must give her some Physic; Miss immediately cries out, What, you are talking of me now: No, no, Child, says Mamma: I know you are, replies Miss; I heard you talk of Physic, but I’ll not take any I am resolved: No, my Dear, repeats Mamma, I’m not talking about you; I’m talking of somebody that is in a Consumption. Surely such Behaviour reflects greatly on the Understanding or Conduct of Parents. Children should be told their Duty without Disguise; and it is certain they may often be won to it by soft and gentle Means; but Falsehoods, Prevarications, and puzzling the Truth, can never be the Way to lead them to it. Parents then, besides animating their Children to a Love of Truth by daily Advice, must themselves carefully avoid all obscure ambiguous Language in their hearing; all Signs, Nods, and Winks, which can answer no other End than perplexing their Understandings, or raising in them a restless painful Curiosity. Sir Roger L’Estrange tells a Story that pleases me for it’s thorough Honesty. “A Man met an Acquaintance in the Street: What, my Friend, says he, have you got under your Coat? Why, replies the other, what I have under my Coat, I put there on purpose that you might not know.” Thus Parents without quibbling or evading, without Harshness or Ill-nature, need only convince their Children that all things are not proper for them to have, nor all things fit for them to know.
There is a Propensity in Nature which greatly deserves the Attention of Parents, that is, Curiosity: and this when well regulated, may without Impropriety be called the Gate of Knowledge. How lifeless, spiritless, and insipid, is a Child without it! How pleasing, and how capable of daily Improvement with it! Parents then ought to cherish this Propensity, as it’s Use is boundless. But tho’ Curiosity is in it’s Nature a Means of Improvement, it is extremely apt to degenerate into Impertinence; and herein Parents cannot be too circumspect. For as they are really two opposite Qualities, the one a Virtue, the other a Vice; great Care should be taken to praise and reward the former, and discountenance and punish the latter. Parents, besides the Instructions and Encouragement they give to Children in this Point, should throw them in the way of exercising it, and attend to their Behaviour when unconstrained. For Example; if I never lock up my Books, my Children will learn that they have the Liberty of reading them, unless expressly forbid; so likewise if I leave Letters or other Papers about without reserve, they may with Freedom examine them; and if they did not, I should think them incurious: but if they look over my Shoulder on purpose to see what I am writing, if they break a Seal to read the Contents of a Letter, or pry into my Scrutore because I have accidently left it open; it will be easy for me to determine that they are degenerating into Impertinence.
Useful Curiosity shews itself by innumerable Enquiries into the various Productions of Nature and Art; hence insensibly arises in Children, a Love of Knowledge, and a Love of Labour; hence too they learn to distinguish the Useless from the Useful; what they should pursue from what they should avoid. Impertinence shews itself by prying into the Affairs of others; employing their Thoughts and Time about what does not concern them, to the Detriment of all within their Reach. Hence springs that Neglect of real Knowledge we daily see in many; and that Croud of Trifles which waste their Time, and tend only to hurt others, and do themselves no good. For in proportion to the Time they spend in acting wrong, so much do they lose of the Knowledge how to act right. But besides it’s being so detrimental and destructive to Society, Impertinence has something in it so mean and hateful, that Parents cannot do too much to keep their Children free from it.
Parents should encourage in their Children a lively chearful Disposition; but quite pure, and unmixt with Vice, however distant. In order thereto, they should never suffer them, for any consideration, to utter an indecent Word, or commit any irregular Action which has the least bad Tendency; but above all, Parents must be careful themselves, never to say or do any thing in their Presence that they ought not to hear or see. This Caution may seem unnecessary, since all acknowledge how great the Force of Example is; yet if we view the general Conduct of Fathers particularly, we shall be obliged to own they stand greatly in need of it. For what more common than to hear Men swear and utter many indecent Expressions before their Children? And what more natural than their Imitation of them? which Poison, when once imbibed, cannot easily be expelled. As my Aim in writing is purely the Hopes of conveying Instruction, so I speak my Thoughts with Freedom; and every one is at liberty to take or leave what they like, or what they find most necessary and applicable to themselves: still I cannot help urging in the strongest Terms, a strict Regard to Decency as an universal and indispensable Obligation. For whoever considers how naturally propense we are to catch the Taint, and how very hard it is to wipe it off, will surely agree with me, that those are much the happiest who escape the Infection the longest.