By Manners I do not mean that external Shew of good Breeding, which consists only in a Bow, or Curtsy, or other personal Carriage, tho’ this too is of Importance; but I mean, such a uniform Deportment, such a ready engaging Behaviour, and such a Propensity to do what is right, as testify a happy Disposition of the Mind and Heart; and appear, what they really are, the Fruits of good Habits, either natural, or acquired, or both.
The grand Source of the too general Defect, we cannot but observe and lament in the Manners of Children, is partly in themselves, but chiefly in their Parents. In themselves it arises from a natural Love of Ease and Liberty; in Parents, from a supine Neglect of that necessary Knowledge already hinted at: in short, from want of reflecting why they are Parents, and what is incumbent on them to do, in order to make their Children happy in themselves, and useful to Society. But how shall I be sheltered from the Imputation of Vanity? I am well aware how liable a Man is to be censured, for attempting to point out to others, what every one supposes himself to be already acquainted with: and where are the Parents who once suspect, that they are so little acquainted with the Duties of their State, as to be themselves the Causes of their Children’s Misconduct?
That there are many whose Ability in this important Work is far superior to any thing I can pretend to, I am convinc’d; many who are happily endowed with a competent Penetration and Skill to manage the Temper, Genius, and Passions of Children, and who are equally assiduous in the Exercise of those Gifts for the Benefit of the rising Generation: neither is it for these I write; rather do I wish to receive their Instructions myself. But, that the Bulk of Mankind are wholly thoughtless of, or unacquainted with, the proper Methods of managing Children, is, I think, very evident. In proof of which I appeal to every one’s own Observation. Let the Generality of People look round them, and reflect how they find the Majority of Children of every Rank among their Acquaintance. Are they innocent, tractable, orderly, and courteous? Are they tolerably instructed in the Knowledge necessary for their Age and Station? Or are they not rather corrupt and untoward? Are they not rather unruly to a Degree of Pity? Incorrigibly rude, or tolerably civil only by Starts; grossly ignorant in many Things they ought to have been taught, and but too knowing in others it were perhaps better they never knew at all? If they really find this to be true in the Children of others, let them turn their Eyes homewards, and impartially canvas their own Children’s Deportment; and if upon discovering any of the like Deformities, they can resolve to be just to themselves, I am confident they will to their great Surprize awaken to the Consciousness of one Truth, which perhaps they hitherto never so much as suspected; namely, that what they have the most Reason to be displeased with in the Conduct their Offspring, is chiefly owing to their own want of Skill, or want of Thought, in the Management of those tender Plants.
As Men are sometimes seen to forget the Husband and act the Sovereign only, so are they apt to think themselves supreme and independent in the Power they have over their Children. But can we, upon Reflection, take it to be the Intention of Nature, that Children be govern’d by Fathers alone, while they are in Possession of the Blessing of having Mothers to share a Part in that Government? Or can we consider paternal Sway as an arbitrary Power, absolutely presiding over, and giving Laws to Children without any Controul? No. Lest Fathers thus impower’d should invert the Intention of the Creation by becoming Tyrants, the providential Laws of Nature have wisely assigned a joint Portion of Power to the Mothers; that the Father’s Authority and the Mother’s Sweetness being seasonably and discreetly blended, both might equally contribute to one and the same great End, the future Welfare of their Offspring: where the Roughness of the one serving as a Spur to egg them on to the Pursuit of Happiness from a Principle of Awe, the Smoothness of the other may sooth them forward, from Motives of Affection; or, in a Word, that the Sternness of the Father may serve as a Quickener to maternal Endearments, and the Mildness of the Mother sweeten and render palatable the more bitter Draughts of paternal Harshness.
It is no small Difficulty to fix the Time in which Parents should take the Reins of Government into their Hands; but if it be considered that we are by the Perverseness of our Nature prone to err, I think they cannot begin too soon; in short, they should begin as soon as they become Parents, that is, as soon as their Children have a Being. This will appear to be strange Doctrine to those who have not reflected how very early Children shew themselves. The Source of many of our Errors with Regard to the Government of Children, seems owing to a mistaken Notion of their Incapacity; whereas in Reality they have some Reason much earlier than is commonly imagined; but till that dawns out, the Passions alone are their Guides. Now if the Passions are suffered to gather Strength, by cherishing and indulging them, (which is too commonly the Case) and Reason remains feeble for want of being exercis’d, the natural Consequence must be, that Children will grow obstinate, perverse, and ungovernable in their Passions, before Reason is called forth to their Assistance; and it will often prove a very unsuccessful Talk to hinder them when grown up, from being Slaves to themselves, and Plagues to all about them.
Parents then, to obviate these Evils, have two principal Points to aim at, for their own and Children’s Happiness; and indeed for the Happiness of all Posterity; viz. weakening their Passions, and strengthening their Reason. And that this is greatly in their Power to effect, is an undoubted Truth, tho’ it may often prove an arduous Task to reduce to practice. Still it may, and ought to be aim’d at; and, if I may be allowed to speak my Sentiments, I think I may confidently assert, that all social Virtues, and the genuine Happiness which they are productive of, will insensibly flow from a constant due Exercise of that Dominion over our Children, which all Laws divine and human have entrusted to us.
’Tis wonderful to observe how very early a Wilfulness is discernable in Children; and with what swift Progress it gathers Strength, if not immediately and carefully check’d. I have seen a Child not above six Months old, obstinately contending for a certain Position to be suckled in, and the tender (simply tender) Mother painfully distorting her Limbs, and straining her whole Frame, in Compliance to it, or it would not suck at all: and I have seen too a Child, before one Year of Life was compleated, so fantastically, and yet so obstinately humoursome, that all that could be devis’d to give it, was not sufficient to gratify it: it would roar for the first Thing it saw, then throw it away and fight for another, and so on without Measure; and this at the Expence not merely of Baubles, but of Glasses, China, and other valuable Things; and often at the still greater Expence of the Mother’s Peace and Rest.
The next Advance is to the Use of Speech; and this Faculty is no sooner acquired, but immediately follows the Abuse of it. Many Children, indeed, are slow and backward in the Acquisition of it, but few are those who are not too forward in misapplying this noble Gift. Let a Child of three Years old, who has been much indulged, be bid to do any thing, and how ready is it to answer, I won’t! And if forbid a thing, how pert to say, I will! Yet let the fondling Parent ask it ever so plain and easy a Question, it is a thousand to one, if a Word of Answer be obtained: the cunning, obstinate Urchin is instantly dumb, and nothing shall restore it to the Use of its Tongue, but the Gratification of its Humour with a Cake or a Play-thing.
Thus are they generally suffered to run on to near the Age of Seven, with little or no Variation, except that of their Appetites gaining head of their Reason, and multiplying in proportion to the Objects which excite them. And as during that Term of Life which we distinguish by the Name of Childhood, Parents look upon the infant Reason of their Children, as incapable of producing Fruits, they are but too apt to leave that uncultivated, and to overlook, with an injudicious Contempt, their early Deviations from it. But surely it were injuring human Understanding, to agree with such Parents, in an Opinion which condemns itself; and which they themselves are universally the first to contradict. For let the Topic of Children be but broach’d to any of them, and what Encomiums are we not sure to be tir’d with upon their own! What Enlargements on their Comprehension, their Judgment, their Wit, and the surprizing Products of all these, in the many excellent things they say and do! In the mean time not a single Step is taken to improve all these boasted Talents, nor to check the growing Humours which threaten them with Destruction; and may, if neglected, grow into Habits more difficult to eradicate than an hereditary Disease.