A Fable for Critics

by James Russell Lowell

Here a gentleman present, who had in hisattic
More pepper than brains, shrieked,—“The man’s a fanatic,
I’m a capital tailor with warm tar and feathers,
And will make him a suit that’ll serve in all weathers;
But we’ll argue the point first, I’m willing to reason ’t,
Palaver before condemnation’s but decent;
So, through my humble person, Humanity begs
Of the friends of true freedom a loan of bad eggs.”
But Apollo let one such a look of his show forth,
As when ἥϊε νὐκτι ἐ οικώς, and so forth,
And the gentleman somehow slunk out of the way,
But, as he was going, gained courage to say,—
“At slavery in the abstract my whole soul rebels,
I am as strongly opposed to ’t as any one else.”
“Ay, no doubt, but whenever I’ve happened to meet
With a wrong or a crime, it is always concrete,”
Answered Phœbus severely; then turning to us,
“The mistake of such fellows as just made the fuss
Is only in taking a great busy nation
For a part of their pitiful cotton-plantation.—
But there comes Miranda, Zeus! where shall I flee to?
She has such a penchant for bothering me too!
She always keeps asking if I don’t observe a
Particular likeness ’twixt her and Minerva;
She tells me my efforts in verse are quite clever;—
She’s been travelling now, and will be worse than ever;
One would think, though, a sharp-sighted noter she’d be
Of all that’s worth mentioning over the sea,
For a woman must surely see well, if she try,
The whole of whose being’s a capital I:
She will take an old notion, and make it her own,
By saying it o’er in her Sibylline tone,
Or persuade you ’tis something tremendously deep,
By repeating it so as to put you to sleep;
And she well may defy any mortal to see through it,
When once she has mixed up her infinite me through it.
There is one thing she owns in her own single right,
It is native and genuine—namely, her spite;
Though, when acting as censor, she privately blows
A censer of vanity ’neath her own nose.”

Here Miranda came up, and said, “Phœbus!you know
That the Infinite Soul has its infinite woe,
As I ought to know, having lived cheek by jowl,
Since the day I was born, with the Infinite Soul;
I myself introduced, I myself, I alone,
To my Land’s better life authors solely my own,
Who the sad heart of earth on their shoulders have taken,
Whose works sound a depth by Life’s quiet unshaken,
Such as Shakespeare, for instance, the Bible, and Bacon,
Not to mention my own works; Time’s nadir is fleet,
And, as for myself, I’m quite out of conceit”—

“Quite out of conceit! I’m enchanted to hear it,”
Cried Apollo aside. “Who’d have thought she was near it?
To be sure, one is apt to exhaust those commodities
One uses too fast, yet in this case as odd it is
As if Neptune should say to his turbots and whitings,
‘I’m as much out of salt as Miranda’s own writings’
(Which, as she in her own happy manner has said,
Sound a depth, for ’tis one of the functions of lead).
She often has asked me if I could not find
A place somewhere near me that suited her mind;
I know but a single one vacant, which she,
With her rare talent that way, would fit to a T,
And it would not imply any pause or cessation
In the work she esteems her peculiar vocation,—
She may enter on duty to-day, if she chooses,
And remain Tiring-woman for life to the Muses.”

Miranda meanwhile has succeeded in driving
Up into a corner, in spite of their striving,
A small flock of terrified victims, and there,
With an I-turn-the-crank-of-the-Universe air
And a tone which, at least to my fancy, appears
Not so much to be entering as boxing your ears,
Is unfolding a tale (of herself, I surmise,
For ’tis dotted as thick as a peacock’s with I’s).
Apropos of Miranda, I’ll rest on my oars
And drift through a trifling digression on bores,
For, though not wearing ear-rings in more majorum,
Our ears are kept bored just as if we still wore ’em.
There was one feudal custom worth keeping, at least,
Roasted bores made a part of each well-ordered feast,
And of all quiet pleasures the very ne plus
Was in hunting wild bores as the tame ones hunt us.
Archæologians, I know, who have personal fears
Of this wise application of hounds and of spears,
Have tried to make out, with a zeal more than wonted,
’Twas a kind of wild swine that our ancestors hunted;
But I’ll never believe that the age which has strewn
Europe o’er with cathedrals, and otherwise shown
That it knew what was what, could by chance not have known
(Spending, too, its chief time with its buff on, no doubt),
Which beast ’twould improve the world most to thin out.
I divide bores myself, in the manner of rifles,
Into two great divisions, regardless of trifles;—
There’s your smooth-bore and screw-bore, who do not much vary
In the weight of cold lead they respectively carry.
The smooth-bore is one in whose essence the mind
Not a corner nor cranny to cling by can find;
You feel as in nightmares sometimes, when you slip
Down a steep slated roof, where there’s nothing to grip;
You slide and you slide, the blank horror increases,—
You had rather by far be at once smashed to pieces;
You fancy a whirlpool below white and frothing,
And finally drop off and light upon—nothing.
The screw-bore has twists in him, faint predilections
For going just wrong in the tritest directions;
When he’s wrong he is flat, when he’s right he can’t show it,
He’ll tell you what Snooks said about the new poet,[3]
Or how Fogrum was outraged by Tennyson’s Princess;
He has spent all his spare time and intellect since his
Birth in perusing, on each art and science,
Just the books in which no one puts any reliance,
And though nemo we’re told, horis omnibus sapit,
The rule will not fit him, however you shape it,
For he has a perennial foison of sappiness;
He has just enough force to spoil half your day’s happiness,
And to make him a sort of mosquito to be with,
But just not enough to dispute or agree with.

These sketches I made (not to be too explicit)
From two honest fellows who made me a visit,
And broke, like the tale of the Bear and the Fiddle,
My reflections on Halleck short off by the middle;
I sha’n’t now go into the subject more deeply,
For I notice that some of my readers look sleep’ly;
I will barely remark that, ’mongst civilized nations,
There’s none that displays more exemplary patience
Under all sorts of boring, at all sorts of hours,
From all sorts of desperate persons, than ours.
Not to speak of our papers, our State legislatures,
And other such trials for sensitive natures,
Just look for a moment at Congress,—appalled,
My fancy shrinks back from the phantom it called;
Why, there’s scarcely a member unworthy to frown
’Neath what Fourier nicknames the Boreal crown;
Only think what that infinite bore-pow’r could do
If applied with a utilitarian view;
Suppose, for example, we shipped it with care
To Sahara’s great desert and let it bore there;
If they held one short session and did nothing else,
They’d fill the whole waste with Artesian wells.
But ’tis time now with pen phonographic to follow
Through some more of his sketches our laughing Apollo:—

“There comes Harry Franco, and, as he draws near,
You find that’s a smile which you took for a sneer;
One half of him contradicts t’other; his wont
Is to say very sharp things and do very blunt;
His manner’s as hard as his feelings are tender,
And a sortie he’ll make when he means to surrender;
He’s in joke half the time when he seems to be sternest,
When he seems to be joking, be sure he’s in earnest;
He has common sense in a way that’s uncommon,
Hates humbug and cant, loves his friends like a woman,
Builds his dislikes of cards and his friendships of oak,
Loves a prejudice better than aught but a joke,
Is half upright Quaker, half downright Come-outer,
Loves Freedom too well to go stark mad about her,
Quite artless himself, is a lover of Art,
Shuts you out of his secrets and into his heart,
And though not a poet, yet all must admire
In his letters of Pinto his skill on the liar.

“There comes Poe, with his raven, like Barnaby Rudge,
Three fifths of him genius and two fifths sheer fudge;
Who talks like a book of iambs and pentameters,
In a way to make people of common sense damn metres;
Who has written some things quite the best of their kind,
But the heart somehow seems all squeezed out by the mind,
Who—But hey-day! What’s this? Messieurs Mathews and Poe,
You mustn’t fling mud-balls at Longfellow so,
Does it make a man worse that his character’s such
As to make his friends love him (as you think) too much?
Why, there is not a bard at this moment alive
More willing than he that his fellows should thrive;
While you are abusing him thus, even now
He would help either one of you out of a slough;
You may say that he’s smooth and all that till you’re hoarse,
But remember that elegance also is force;
After polishing granite as much as you will,
The heart keeps its tough old persistency still;
Deduct all you can, that still keeps you at bay;
Why, he’ll live till men weary of Collins and Gray.
I’m not over-fond of Greek metres in English,
To me rhyme’s a gain, so it be not too jinglish,
And your modern hexameter verses are no more
Like Greek ones than sleek Mr. Pope is like Homer;
As the roar of the sea to the coo of a pigeon is,
So, compared to your moderns, sounds old
Melesigenes;
I may be too partial, the reason, perhaps, o ’tis
That I’ve heard the old blind man recite his own rhapsodies,
And my ear with that music impregnate may be,
Like the poor exiled shell with the soul of the sea,
Or as one can’t bear Strauss when his nature is cloven
To its deeps within deeps by the stroke of Beethoven;
But, set that aside, and ’tis truth that I speak,
Had Theocritus written in English, not Greek,
I believe that his exquisite sense would scarce change a line
In that rare, tender, virgin-like pastoral, Evangeline.
That’s not ancient nor modern, its place is apart
Where time has no sway, in the realm of pure Art,
’Tis a shrine of retreat from Earth’s hubbub and strife
As quiet and chaste as the author’s own life.

“There comes Philothea, her face all aglow,
She has just been dividing some poor creature’s woe,
And can’t tell which pleases her most, to relieve
His want, or his story to hear and believe;
No doubt against many deep griefs she prevails,
For her ear is the refuge of destitute tales;
She knows well that silence is sorrow’s best food,
And that talking draws off from the heart its black blood,
So she’ll listen with patience and let you unfold
Your bundle of rags as ’twere pure cloth of gold,
Which, indeed, it all turns to as soon as she’s touched it,
And (to borrow a phrase from the nursery) muched it;
She has such a musical taste, she will go
Any distance to hear one who draws a long bow;
She will swallow a wonder by mere might and main,
And thinks it Geometry’s fault if she’s fain
To consider things flat, inasmuch as they’re plain;
Facts with her are accomplished, as Frenchmen would say,—
They will prove all she wishes them to either way,—
And, as fact lies on this side or that, we must try,
If we’re seeking the truth, to find where it don’t lie;
I was telling her once of a marvellous aloe
That for thousands of years had looked spindling and sallow,
And, though nursed by the fruitfullest powers of mud,
Had never vouchsafed e’en so much as a bud,
Till its owner remarked (as a sailor, you know,
Often will in a calm) that it never would blow,
For he wished to exhibit the plant, and designed
That its blowing should help him in raising the wind;
At last it was told him that if he should water
Its roots with the blood of his unmarried daughter
(Who was born, as her mother, a Calvinist, said,
With William Law’s serious caul on her head),
It would blow as the obstinate breeze did when by a
Like decree of her father died Iphigenia;
At first he declared he himself would be blowed
Ere his conscience with such a foul crime he would load,
But the thought, coming oft, grew less dark than before,
And he mused, as each creditor knocked at his door,
If this were but done they would dun me no more;
I told Philothea his struggles and doubts,
And how he considered the ins and the outs
Of the visions he had, and the dreadful dispepsy,
How he went to the seër that lives at Po’keepsie,
How the seër advised him to sleep on it first,
And to read his big volume in case of the worst,
And further advised he should pay him five dollars
For writing Hum, Hum, on his wristbands and collars;
Three years and ten days these dark words he had studied
When the daughter was missed, and the aloe had budded;
I told how he watched it grow large and more large,
And wondered how much for the show he should charge,—
She had listened with utter indifference to this, till
I told how it bloomed, and, discharging its pistil
With an aim the Eumenides dictated, shot
The botanical filicide dead on the spot;
It had blown, but he reaped not his horrible gains,
For it blew with such force as to blow out his brains,
And the crime was blown also, because on the wad,
Which was paper, was writ ‘Visitation of God,’
As well as a thrilling account of the deed
Which the coroner kindly allowed me toread.

“Well, my friend took this story up just, to be sure,
As one might a poor foundling that’s laid at one’s door;
She combed it and washed it and clothed it and fed it,
And as if ’twere her own child most tenderly bred it,
Laid the scene (of the legend, I mean) far away a-
Mong the green vales underneath Himalaya,
And by artist-like touches, laid on here and there,
Made the whole thing so touching, I frankly declare
I have read it all thrice, and, perhaps I am weak,
But I found every time there were tears on my cheek.

“The pole, science tells us, the magnet controls,
But she is a magnet to emigrant Poles,
And folks with a mission that nobody knows,
Throng thickly about her as bees round a rose;
She can fill up the carets in such, make their scope
Converge to some focus of rational hope,
And, with sympathies fresh as the morning, their gall
Can transmute into honey,—but this is not all;
Not only for those she has solace, O say,
Vice’s desperate nursling adrift in Broadway,
Who clingest, with all that is left of thee human,
To the last slender spar from the wreck of the woman,
Hast thou not found one shore where those tired drooping feet
Can reach firm mother-earth, one full heart on whose beat
The soothed head in silence reposing could hear
The chimes of far childhood throb back on the ear?
Ah, there’s many a beam from the fountain of day
That, to reach us unclouded, must pass, on its way,
Through the soul of a woman, and hers is wide ope
To the influence of Heaven as the blue eyes of Hope;
Yes, a great heart is hers, one that dares to go in
To the prison, the slave-hut, the alleys of sin,
And to bring into each, or to find there, some line
Of the never completely out-trampled divine;
If her heart at high floods swamps her brain now and then,
’Tis but richer for that when the tide ebbs agen,
As, after old Nile has subsided, his plain
Overflows with a second broad deluge of grain;
What a wealth would it bring to the narrow and sour
Could they be as a Child but for one little hour!