There was a man of Gotham who would be married, and when the day of marriage was come, they went to church. The priest said, Do you say after me. The priest said say not after me such words but say what I shall tell you—Thou dost play the fool to mock with the Holy Bible concerning Matrimony. Then the fellow said, Thou dost play the fool to mock with the Holy Bible concerning Matrimony. The priest could not tell what to say, but answered, what shall I do with this fool? And the man said, What shall I do with this fool.—So the priest departed, and would not marry him—But he was instructed by others how to do and was afterwards married—And thus the breed of Gothamites has been perpetuated even unto this day.
Tale 18.
There was a Scotchman who dwelt at Gotham, and he took a house, a little distance from London, and turned it into an inn, and for a sign he would have a Boars head; accordingly he went to a Carver, and said, Make me a Bare heed. Yes, said the Carver. Then says he, Make me a bare heed and thous have twenty pence for thy hire. I will do it, said the Carver.—So on St. Andrew's day, before Christmas the which is called Youl in Scotland, the Scot came to London for his Boar's head to set up at his door. I say, to speak, said the Scotchman, hast thou made me a bare's heed. Yes, said the Carver. Aye then thous a good fellow. He went and brought a man's head that was bare, and said here is your bare head! Aye, said the Scot, the mickle devil! is this a bare heed? Yes, said the carver. I say, said the Scotchman, I will have a bare heed, like a heed that follows the sow that has gryces. Sir, said the Carver, I don't know a sow and gryces. What! whoreson, know you not a sow that will greet and groan, and her gryces will run after and cry Aweek, aweek. O, said the Carver it is a pig—Yes said the Scotchman, let me have her heed made in timber, and set on her scalp, and let her sing, whip, whire. The Carver said he could not.—You whoreson, said he, gang as she'd sing Whip, whire.—This shews that all men delight in their fancy.
Tale 19.
In old times, during these tales, the wives of Gotham got into an alehouse, and said, They were all profitable to their husbands; which way, good gossips? said the alewife.—The first said, I tell you all, good gossips, I can brew or bake, so I am every day alike; and if I go to the alehouse, I pray to God to speed my husband, and I am sure my prayers will do him more good than my labour. Then said the second, I am profitable to my husband in saving candle in the winter; for I cause my husband and all my people to go to bed by daylight, and rise by the same.—The third said, I am profitable in sparing bread, for I drink a gallon of ale, care not how much meat and drink at home, so I go to the tavern at Nottingham and drink wine and such other things, as God sends me.—The fourth said, A man will for ever have more company in another's house than his own, and most commonly in an alehouse. The fifth said, My husband has flax and wool to spare, if I go to other folks houses to do their work.—The sixth said, I spare both my husbands wood and coals, and talk all the day at other folks fire. The seventh said, beef, mutton and pork are dear, wherefore I take pigs, hens, chickens, conies which be of a lower price.—The eighth said I spair my husband's lie and soap, for whereas I should wash once a week, I wash but once a quarter; then said the alewife, and I keep all my husband's ale that I brew from sowering, for, as I used to drink it most up, now I never leave a drop.
Tale 20.
One Ash Wednesday the Minister of Gotham would have a Collection of his parishioners, and said unto them, My friends the time is come that you must use prayer, fasting and alms; but come ye to shrift, I will tell you more of my mind; but as for prayer, I don't think that two men in the parish can say half the Pater Noster. As for fasting, ye fast still, for ye have not a meal's victuals in a year. As for alms deed, what should they do to give that have nothing to take? But as one came to shrift and confessed himself to have been drunk divers times in the year, but especially in Lent: the priest said In Lent you should most refrain from drunkenness and refrain from drink— No, not so, said the fellow, for it is an old proverb that fish would swim. Yes, said the priest—it must swim in the water; I say you mercy, quoth the fellow, I thought it should have swum in fine ale, for I have been so.—Soon after the man of Gotham came to shrift, and even the priest knew not what penance to give; he said, If I enjoin prayer, you cannot say your Pater Noster. And it is but a folly to make you fast, because you never eat a meals meat. Labour hard and get a dinner on Sunday, and I will come and partake of it—Another man he enjoined to fare well on Monday, and another on Tuesday, and one after another, that one or the other would fare well once in a week, that he might have part of their meat. And as for alms deeds the priest said, ye be beggars all except one or two so therefore bestow your alms among yourselves.
FINIS.