Chap-books of the Eighteenth Century / With Facsimiles, Notes, and Introduction

by John Ashton

* "The same Irishman being at a tavern, where the Cook was dressing some Carp, he observed some of the fish moved, after they were gutted and put in the pan, which much surprised honest Teague.—Well, now by my faith, said he, of all the Christian creatures that ever I saw, this same carp will live the longest after it is dead.

* "A young fellow riding down a steep hill, doubting if the foot of it was boggish, called out to a clown that was ditching, and asked if it was hard at the bottom? Aye, answered the countryman, it is hard enough at the bottom, I will warrant you. But in half a dozen steps the horse sunk up to the saddle girts, which made the young gallant whip, spur, curse, and swear; Why you whoreson of a rascal, said he to the ditcher, didst thou not tell me that it was hard at the bottom? Aye, said the ditcher, but you are not halfway to the bottom yet.

* "An Englishman and a Welshman disputing in whose Country was the best living; said the Welshman, there is such noble housekeeping in Wales, that I have known above a dozen cooks to be employed at one wedding dinner. Aye, replied the Englishman, that was because every man toasted his own cheese.

* "One losing a bag of money of about Fifty pounds, between the Temple Gate and Temple Bar, fixed up a paper, offering a reward to those who took it and should return it. Upon which, the person that had it came and wrote underneath it to the following effect: Sir, I thank you for the offered reward, but indeed you really bid me to my loss.

* "A very humourous countryman having bought a barn in partnership with a neighbour of his, neglected to make the least use of it, while the other had plentifully stored his part with corn and hay. In a little time the latter came to him, and conscientiously expostulated with him about laying out his money to so little purpose. Why, neighbour, said he, pray never trouble your head, you may do what you will with your part of the barn, but I will set mine on fire.

* "The famous Tom Thynne, who was remarkable for his good housekeeping and hospitality, standing one day at his gate in the Country, a beggar came up to him and craved a mug of his small beer. Why, how now, said he, what times are these, when beggars must be choosers! I say, bring this fellow a mug of strong beer.

* "A profligate young Nobleman being in company with some sober people, desired leave to toast the Devil. The gentleman who sat next to him, said he had no objection to any of his Lordship's particular friends.

* "A certain Lady of quality, sending her Irish footman to fetch home a pair of new stays, strictly charged him to take a coach if it rained, for fear of wetting them. But a great shower falling, the fellow returned with the stays dripping wet; and being severely reprimanded for not doing as he was ordered, he said he had obeyed his orders. How then, answered the lady, could the stays be wet if you took them into the coach with you? No replied honest Teague, I know my place better, I did not get into the Coach, but rode behind, as I always used to do.

"Two honest gentlemen, who dealt in brooms, meeting one day in the street, one asked the other, how the devil he could afford to undersell him as he did, when he stole the stuff, and made the brooms himself? Why, you silly dog, replied the other, I steal them ready made.