Before a glowing and brilliant Audience of near Three Hundred Ladies and Gentlemen, who were commanded by Venus, Cupid, and Hymen! to assist, in joyous Assembly, at the Grand Feast of very Fat Things, which was held at their Temple, on Monday Evening, the 25th of November, 1782; but which was interrupted by the rude and unexpected Arrival of his Worship Midas Neutersex, Esqre. ... just as the Dessert was about to be served up.
Published at the earnest Desire of many of the Company, and to gratify the impatient and very intense longings of Thousands of Adepts, Hibernian and British;—of the Cognoscenti;—et de les Amateur ardens des delices exquise de Venus!
To which is subjoined, a description of the Stupendous Nature and Effects of the Celebrated
Celestial Bed!’
The ‘Vestina, or Goddess of Health,’ was no mean person. She began life as a domestic servant, and was named Emma Lyons. She was a good-looking, florid, buxom wench, and, after having played her part as priestess at the ‘Temple of Health and Hymen,’ became the wife of the dilletante Sir William Hamilton, English Minister at Naples, and was afterwards notorious for her connection with Lord Nelson.
Graham wrote in 1790, ‘A short Treatise on the All cleansing—all healing—and all invigorating Qualities of the Simple Earth, when long and repeatedly applied to the naked Human Body and Lungs, for the safe, speedy, and radical Cure of all Diseases, internal as well as external, which are, in their Nature or Stage, susceptible of being cured;—for the preservation of the Health, Vigour, Bloom, and Beauty of Body and of Mind; for rejuvenating the aged and decaying Human Body;—and for prolonging Life to the very longest possible Period, &c.’
For the benefit of those who would try the doctor’s earth-cure, I extract the following: ‘I generally, or always, prefer the sides or tops of hills or mountains, as the air and the earth are the more pure and salubrious; but the air and earth of ordinary pasture or corn-fields, especially those that are called upland, and even good clean garden-ground, or the higher commons, especially fallow corn-fields, are all salutary and good.
‘As to the colour and nature of the earth or soil, I prefer a good brown or reddish blooming mould, and light, sandy, crumbly, mellow and marrowy earth; or that which feels when I am in it, and crumbling with my hands and fingers, like bits of marrow among fine Flour; and that which has a strong, sweet, earthly smell——’
So that my readers now know exactly what to do.
He had a fairly comprehensive idea of modern hygiene, as will be seen from the following extract from ‘General Instructions to the persons who consult Dr. Graham as a Physician’:
‘It will be unreasonable for Dr. Graham’s Patients to expect a complete and a lasting cure, or even great alleviation of their peculiar maladies, unless they keep the body and limbs most perfectly clean with very frequent washings,—breathe fresh, open air day and night,—be simple in the quality and moderate in the quantity of their food and drink,—and totally give up using the deadly poisons and weakeners of both body and soul, and the cankerworm of estates called foreign Tea and Coffee, Red Port Wine, Spirituous Liquors, Tobacco and Snuff, gaming and late hours, and all sinful, unnatural, and excessive indulgence of the animal appetites, and of the diabolical and degrading mental passions. On practising the above rules—on a widely open window day and night—and on washing with cold water, and going to bed every night by eight or nine, and rising by four or five, depends the very perfection of bodily and mental health, strength and happiness.’