About ... (neer 70 yeares since, I suppose,) one Mr. Isham (elder brother to Sir Justinian Isham), a gentleman-commoner of this howse, dyed of the small pox. He was a very fine gentleman, and very well beloved by all the colledge, and severall of the fellowes would have preacht his funerall sermon, but Dr. Kettle would not permitt it, but would doe it himselfe; which the fellowes were sorry for, for they knew he would make a ridiculous piece of worke of it. But preach the Dr. did: takes a text and preaches on it a little while; and then takes another text, for the satisfaction of the young gentleman's mother; and anon he takes another text, for the satisfaction of the young gentleman's grandmother. When he came to the panegyrique, sayd he, 'He was the finest, swet[69] young gentleman; it did doe my heart good to see him walke along the quadrangle. Wee have an old proverbe that Hungry dogges will eate dirty puddings; but I must needes say for this young gentleman, that he always loved[VII.] sweet'—he spake it with a squeaking voice—'things,'—and there was an end.
[VII.] They were wont to mock me with this[70].
He observed that the howses that had the smallest beer had most drunkards, for it forced them to goe into the town to comfort their stomachs; wherfore Dr. Kettle alwayes had in his College excellent beer, not better to be had in Oxon; so that we could not goe to any other place but for the worse, and we had the fewest drunkards of any howse in Oxford.
He was constantly at lectures and exercises in the hall to observe them, and brought along with him his hower-glasse; and one time, being offended at the boyes, he threatned them, that if they would not doe their exercise better he 'would bring an hower-glass two howers long.'
He was irreconcileable to long haire; called them hairy scalpes, and as for periwigges (which were then very rarely worne) he beleeved[71] them to be the scalpes of men cutt off after they were hang'd, and so tanned and dressed for use. When he observed the scolars' haire longer then ordinary (especially if they were scholars of the howse), he would bring a paire of cizers in his muffe (which he commonly wore), and woe be to them that sate on the outside of the table[I]. I remember he cutt Mr. Radford's[72] haire with the knife that chipps the bread on the buttery-hatch, and then he sang (this is in the old play—Henry VIII<'s time>—of Grammar[73] Gurton's needle)
'And was not Grim the collier finely trimm'd?
Tonedi, Tonedi.'
'Mr.[J] Lydall,' sayd he, 'how doe you decline tondeo? Tondeo, tondes, tonedi?'
One time walking by the table where the Logick lecture was read, where the reader was telling the boyes that a syllogisme might be true quoad formam, but not quoad materiam; said the President (who would putt-in sometimes), 'There was a fox had spyed a crowe upon a tree, and he had a great mind to have him[74], and so getts under the tree in a hope, and layes out his tayle crooked like a horne, thinking the crowe might come and peck at it, and then he would seise him. Now come we' (this[75] was his word), 'I say the foxe's tayle is a horne: is this a true proposition or no?' (to one of the boyes). 'Yes,' sayd he (the Dr. expected he should have sayd No; for it putt him out of his designe); 'Why then,' said he, 'take him and toot him'; and away he went.
He dragg'd with one (i.e. right[76]) foot a little, by which he gave warning (like the rattlesnake) of his comeing. Will. Egerton (Major-Generall Egerton's younger brother), a good witt and mimick, would goe so like him, that sometime he would make the whole chapell rise up, imagining he had been entring in.