[VIII.] <She> lay at Balliol College.
[IX.] She was wont, and my lady Thynne, to come to our Chapell, mornings, halfe dressd, like angells.
Seneca's scholar Nero found fault with his style, saying 'twas arena sine calce: now Dr. Kettle was wont to say that 'Seneca writes, as a boare does pisse,' scilicet, by jirkes.
I cannot forget a story that Robert Skinner, lord bishop of Oxford, haz told us:—one Slymaker[N], a fellow of this College long since, a fellow of great impudence, and little learning—the fashion was in those dayes to goe, every Satterday night (I thinke), to Joseph Barnes' shop, the bookeseller (opposite to the west end of St. Mary's), where the newes was brought from London, etc.—this impudent clowne would alwayes be hearkning to people's whisperings and overlooking their letters, that he was much taken notice of. Sir Isaac Wake, who was a very witty man, was resolved he would putt a trick upon him, and understood that such a Sunday Slymaker was to preach at St. Mary's. So Sir Isaac, the Saterday before, reades a very formall lettre to some person of quality, that cardinal Baronius was turned Protestant, and was marching with an army of 40,000 men against the Pope. Slymaker hearkned with greedy eares, and the next day in his prayer before his sermon[O], beseeched God[87]'of his infinite mercy and goodnesse to give a blessing to the army of cardinall Baronius, who was turnd Protestant, and now marching with an army of forty thousand men,' and so runnes on: he had a Stentorian voice, and thunderd it out. The auditors all stared and were amazed: ... Abbot (afterwards bishop of Sarum[88]) was then Vice-cancellor, and when Slymaker came out of the pulpit, sends for him, and asked his name: 'Slymaker,' sayd he; 'No,' sayd the Vice-canc., ''tis Lyemaker.'
Dr. Kettle, when he scolded at the idle young boies of his colledge, he used these names, viz. Turds, Tarrarags (these were the worst sort, rude rakells), Rascal-Jacks, Blindcinques, Scobberlotchers (these did no hurt, were sober, but went idleing about the grove with their hands in their pocketts, and telling the number of the trees there, or so).
[89]To make you merry I'le tell you a story that Dr. Henry Birket[90] told us tother day at his cosen <Thomas> Mariet's, scilicet that about 1638 or 1640 when he was of Trinity College, Dr. Kettle, preaching as he was wont to doe on Trinity Sunday, told 'em that they should keepe their bodies chast and holy: 'but,' said he, 'you fellows of the College here eate good commons and drinke good double-beer ... and that will gett-out.' How would the good old Dr. have raunted and beat-up his kettle-drum, if he should have seen such luxury in the College as there is now! Tempora mutantur.
Notes.
[G] It is difficult to decide whether these personal traditions are accurate or not. By the College records it appears that 'Ralph Kettell, Hertfordshire, aged sixteen, was elected scholar of Trinity 16 June 1579.' But he may have been in residence earlier. He was elected fellow May 30, 1583; and admitted third president Feb. 12, 1598/9. He died in July, 1643.
[H] Laurence Saintloe was B.A. from Exeter College Nov. 14, 1623: probably of the Saintlowes of Wiltshire.
[I] In College halls, till modern increase of numbers brought in more tables to block the floor, there were only the high table on the daïs, and side-tables along the walls of the body of the hall. The inner seats for these were often part of the wainscotting, and in any case there would be no passage behind them.